NorthStar Community - Celebrating Recovery, Relationships and Renewal

At NorthStar Community we discuss aspects of addictive thinking, the common lies propagated in unhealthy family systems, false beliefs, and the rules and roles rigidly adhered to in addictive families. These are generalities that often strike us as profound truths when we hear them for the first time.

But how does this information help us change? Perhaps the most important role new information can play in the transformation process is the potential to break down the wall of denial that hinders us from looking for new solutions to old problems.

Given what we have learned, what must change in order for us to find solutions and live out our true, God-given indentity? Let's look at some of the "missing links" that we will need to acquire in order to grow into the promises God has for us.

Feelings: uncover them, name them, experience them, learn how to let go of those feelings associated with past hurs, and move forward with new skills for dealing with a wide range of feelings on a daily basis in a healthy way.
Life skills: acknowledge that we may not have them! Then become a student of learning how to handle conflict, negotiate with others, and develop healthy, productive interpersonal-relationship skills. This is a process that involves not only learning about ourselves (how we feel, what we believe, why we act in certain ways), but also others (how we are perceived by others, what they are feeling, believing, etc.). It takes a long time, but it is a very rewarding process. Many people report a feeling of freedom, lightness, energizing productivity and other wonderful side effects from this growth experience.
Thinking: we have distorted thinking processes and we must start by coming clean about that truth. That said, we must study our belief system (we always act in complete congruence with what we truly believe - not necessarily what we profess to believe - but always what we really believe) and be willing to discard false beliefs and practive believing in accordance to what is truth. We need help with this because deception is profoundly clever.
Living well: our behavior must be re-evaluated and adjusted to fit our renewed thinking. It isn't enough to just read the books and agree, "That's me!" It isn't enough to come to CR on Sunday morning and say (hopefully), "She's right!" (My all time favorite comment, by the way.) If the books do describe us, if the messages of hope do speak of God's truths for daily living (may it be so), THEN WE MUST CHANGE WHAT WE ARE DOING, HOW WE ARE LIVING AND LOVING, WE MUST!! It is either change or stay the same. If we relate to all the rigid, joyless, anxious living described in our self-help books, why wouldn't we be willing to change? Change involves the discipline of taking truths we know and applying them to our daily living. If we believe that we are God's children, then we believe that we also have bodies that are temples that house the Holy Spirit. It follows then that we take care of the temple. Not so that we look yummy on the outside, but to keep the vessel in tip top shape so that it can work on a moment's notice. How do we do that? We eat right, workout, quit smoking, sleep enough, stimulate the mind with the kind of stimuli that is in keeping with a temple, laugh a lot, play regularly, don't isolate - develop stunningly helpful and healthy relationships, maintain regular contact with God, etc. Doing these things means that there is a lot we won't have time for. We won't have time for people who don't help us be the very people God created us to be; we won't have time to eat poorly and get sick, sluggish or sullen; we won't have time to be couch potates; we won't have time to zone out mindlessly for hours in front of a tv, video game, or computer; we won't have time for unhealthy relationship connections because God will be using us to serve others in a way that grows us all.

My goodness! I read the list and think my disciplined, hard working grandmother would be so proud! My grandparents' generation was such a stoic lot. They worried about what the neighbors thought - and the preacher too! In those days a lot was acceptable behind closed doors that was unacceptable in public. Our ancestors were driven by a deep desire to not lose one's good reputation. (It wouldn't hurt us a bit to at least think about our reputation once in a while, but that's just my opinion.) I'm not suggesting we go back to keeping up appearances. I am suggesting we move toward true life altering transformation - from the inside out. Consider these four areas of change, not so that we'll win approval or avoid punishment - what change would that require? Hasn't that been our way for years? Prayerfully investigate these areas and consider change so that we can make a difference in the world for eternity.

Over Christmas our adorable, five year old nephew told his Uncle Pete, "Tell it to the hand. The face isn't listening!" It was a very funny moment. But it isn't so funny to realize that when we liven un-transformed lives (that are more reflective of our unhealthy earthly family system than our heavenly family) those around us scoff at our God-words and recovery lingo. They may listen politely, but like young Robbie, they are thinking, "Tell it to the hand. The face is not listening!"

Many of us have incredible storeis that reveal God's mercy, grace and healing power. Living well will give us the best chance to tell them. Wouldn't it be a shame to miss the opportunity to encourage others with the same encouragement we received from God?