For Those Who Want to Become “More Than Fine”
Pia Mellody says that those of us who live and love poorly do so because we don’t know how to love ourselves. Frankly, I used to think this was hog wash. I believed that the root of people’s problem was their own selfish, self-centered living. I thought the reason people weren’t getting along is because we had entered the age of “all about me” – and our individualism was killing us.
I was one of those people who thought you dropped everything for another in need. I loved without limits. I loved without pausing to prepare. I thought it was selfish to say “no” without a pretty extensive list of reasons why “no” was the only option. I thought when Jesus said “greater love hath no man than this – that he lay down his life for a friend” – I thought Jesus wasn’t going far enough! I thought you laid down your life all the time for everyone. I believed if there was only one piece of apple pie left after the Thanksgiving feast – you gave it away. Living like this left me tired, grumpy, disconnected – and in need of rescue.
I came to this realization on a flight to Chicago. I was in a “state” as we boarded that day. Limit-less loving often leaves us too wiped out to enjoy the gifts God provides for us in our daily lives. My family was excited about getting away, seeing family, and enjoying the delights of Chicago. Not me. I was exhausted. It was hard work leaving behind all my committees, commitments, and concerted efforts to meet the needs of others. The stewardess began talking about emergency situations and instructed parents with small children to first place the dropped down oxygen masks on themselves, and then help place the other masks on their children. I was horrified! Certainly a good mother would first meet the needs of her babies! I spent the rest of the flight pondering those simple instructions; then I went home and asked God to change my life – one step at a time.
This journey is not an easy one. Sometimes I retreat to my “old ways.” Some days it feels like I’ve spent years and years and years asking God to have His way with me – only to ignore His overtures. Some days it feels like I’m on day three of a major renovation project. Other days I’m excited about the progress made. For sure, I now know that transformation isn’t for sissies!
It’s a work in progress. That stewardess never knew that God used her to speak to me. After my initial resistance to the truth (denial), God provided a moment of clarity. The truth is, apart of Christ, none of us can do anything.
“I [Jesus] am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
John 15:5 NIV
We can’t rescue, heal, exhort, teach, instruct or comfort anyone unless God does it through us. We can’t give away what we don’t possess. Jesus gave an analogy of a vine and branches, but for me, the dangling oxygen mask told the same story. If God is the source of all that is good, then we can’t “do good” unless we’re simply passing it along. God is giving us a limit. Running around playing the role of a “Rescue Ranger” is not conducive to a life lived in intimate, daily, conscious contact with God. It’s pretty hard to hear our marching orders on how we’re to love if we’ve run off to battle without the game plan from the Commander in Chief!
Before my moment of clarity I thought scripture taught us to be self-sacrificing, self-less, need-less, and want-less. I believed that was the way Christians were supposed to live. I had some scriptural support to back up my lousy loving.
“My [Jesus] command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
John 15:12-13 NIV
This is hard to admit, and harder to explain – but I was wrong. Certainly scripture does say those things – it is a righteous thing to lay down our life for our friends – but that is not the same thing as living codependently by loving lousily. Scripture says some other important (and I think clarifying) truths. Jesus gives us limits to help us effectively dispense His unconditional love.
If all we do is give ourselves away – we probably are people who don’t understand healthy boundaries. If we spend ALL our time attending to the needs of others, we are lousy lovers. If we think spending time wisely means all work and no play, we’re out of balance. And if we always give away the last serving of dessert – I can assure you, we are angry!
No one can deny that Jesus is the ultimate example of laying down one’s life for a friend. But He also: ignored his parents’ desire for him to stay close to them when he was 12 – instead choosing to hang out in the Temple; got aggravated when his mother demanded that he turn water into wine at a wedding feast – when he was trying to maintain a low profile; often departed by himself to solitary places to pray – even when the crowds demanded his attention; instructed his disciples to “move on” when a community didn’t welcome them and their message of hope; ignored his mother and brothers when they wanted to chat with him about his ministry decisions; refused to perform miracles on demand; and, amazingly enough, remained silent when questioned by religious and political leaders at his trial (a perfect forum if He had wanted to have a codependent moment and blast them for their evil ways).
So let’s think about this. Jesus himself – our best example ever of a perfect lover of mankind - did not always respond to the perceived needs of others without pausing to prepare. And sometimes – HE SAID NO!
