Yesterday I mentioned a friend who has married abusive husbands two times. She thinks she is unlucky at love. I think more is going on. Here is what I think is happening: she is believing that her problems lie outside herself (and she is right). But that is not the ONLY problem.
I wonder if she notices the connection between her patterns (repetitive, habitual, compulsive patterns that she uses to soothe her anxieties and frustrations) and the effect of these patterns on her outcomes (hooking up with and marrying abusive men). My girlfriend, like the young man who hit our car, thinks she is unlucky at love. This is not a case of bad luck.
When tornadoes struck our community this fall one man died when his building was crushed by the tornado. That was extremely bad luck for him. The rest of his team made it out alive. God was not smiting him, he didn’t deserve to lose his life in a freak accident. A weather event led to his untimely and very sad demise.
The young man who caused our accident when he crossed into our lane was an objectively poor driver. His driving record proved it. In fact, it was completely predictable that this young man would continue to have accidents unless he changed his driving habits.
My friend has some beliefs (a man completes her), fears (she cannot take care of herself), and frustrations (does not like living in a modest home without a pool and a platinum American Express). You see where this leads?
These are examples of denial. We do not see ourselves and our choices clearly. These are examples of resistance. We resist change, especially when change is hard. The changes we need to make are very very hard ones. They will require intentionality and a conscious attempt to resist our own resistance!
I wonder what patterns we are each missing? And what it is costing us.
We don’t yet see things clearly: We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
1 Corinthians 13:12 MSG