Resiliency is not a universally helpful concept. Perseverance is not always our best move. Some objectives are not realistic and should be ditched as goals. Sometimes resiliency means being realistic and giving up. I do not like saying this, but it is true.
In my lifetime I have had a couple of humongous disappointments. Both of which are totally predictable based on how I see the world. I love collaboration and community building in a world that often prefers to compare and compete. I idealize the notion that if we all work together our outcomes will immediately improve because a bunch of heads thinking, feeling and doing together is better than a solo operator any day of the week.
However. This has blinded me to the fact that this is not everyone’s reality. In both of my most life-altering disappointments I can see how my eagerness to collaborate over-rode my instincts about my collaborators. I hung in too long in the relationships when I should have acknowledged that my goals were completely NOT the goals of others. This does not make others bad and me good or vice versa; it means we are different. It is only a problem when one or the other of us (me in this case) expects someone to be someone they are not.
I was wrong. I unconsciously asked others to play by my rules. I pushed. I pulled. I moved away from my own core value of collaboration and tried to control the situation. This is all on me. It cost me and others who love me a lot of time, energy, and angst.
Today, I am more cautious about this collaboration mindset. I do not just assume that if you say you want to play nice in the sandbox that I need to go out and get us a bigger box and more sand. I am learning that resiliency has limits. These limits are naturally occurring if we pay attention to all 11 skill sets associated with resiliency. If I had paid more attention to self-care, and less attention to this inclination to build a bigger sandbox, then I would not have experienced the heartbreak I did. BUT I also would not have learned what I learned either - so you see?
We end up back at resilience - with limits. Because learning from our mistakes is what? Resilient behavior!!