Forgiveness: Insiders and Outsiders Part IV

Is it demanding repayment to remove myself from relationship with someone?

If the relationship was an outside the community relationship, then things get a little complicated. Are we talking about a complete stranger? Are we talking about someone with whom you have negative history and baggage? Are we talking about an acquaintance with whom there is no particular baggage or trauma?

I'll go in reverse order. If there is no baggage or trauma, then we have an opportunity to model God's love through addressing the issue with love and compassion and seeing how the other person responds. They may very well become an "insider" if they respond well.

If it's an outsider with whom you have enough history to know that conversation about harm caused will only lead to more harm, then it is best to do nothing. It is in these situations where we are not obligated to explore forgiveness (because we've followed Jesus' recommended order of events and the person has become an outsider through being obstinate). Withdrawing from relationship may even be best for all parties, particularly if we're tempted to get revenge.

You see, what concerns me most with outsider relationships is not so much being emotionally withholding or withdrawing but the act of seeking revenge. Maybe most of you would say that you've never really tried to get revenge. If so, good for you. That is a legitimately good thing. If you have traumatic forgiveness situations with outsiders, and you have not sought revenge, then you have not demanded repayment. As far as this theory of forgiveness is concerned, you have forgiven. Even if you have no relationship.

That seems so counter-intuitive when we've spent so much time thinking that forgiveness is all rainbows and butterflies and happiness and joy. The reality is, forgiveness is far messier than that, particularly when we're talking about life's deepest traumas and tragedies.

Forgiveness: Insiders and Outsiders Part III

Is it demanding repayment to remove myself from relationship with someone?

Yesterday we talked about the challenge that some in our community have had processing the way this theory of forgiveness applies to their relationship with their abusive fathers. We said this: it is not demanding repayment to remove yourself from relationship if you are doing so because you've been injured, attempted forgiveness, and have repeatedly met strong resistance. That was the case for each of those people I had spoken to about their fathers.

Moving beyond that particular example, we may ask, when would it be demanding repayment to remove myself from a relationship? When would that be evidence of a lack of forgiveness?

It is, in part, a question of motivation.

Are you removing yourself from relationship in order to punish someone (not because the harm caused is too great to remain relationally close)? Are you removing yourself from relationship in order to inspire a change of behavior in the other person (and, again, not because the forgiveness process itself has broken down)?

It also depends, again, on the type of relationship. The limits Jesus puts on forgiveness (in community relationships) assumes we have tried to come to some understanding about the harm that was caused. If we haven't attempted to come to some kind of understanding then perhaps we're being hasty to withdraw.

If the relationship was an outside the community relationship, then things get a little complicated. Are we talking about a complete stranger? Are we talking about someone with whom you have negative history and baggage? Are we talking about an acquaintance with whom there is no particular baggage or trauma?

I'll unpack these questions tomorrow.

Forgiveness: Insiders and Outsiders Part II

Let's break down this insider and outsider talk a little further.

There are different kinds of outsiders. There are: a. people who once were part of our community who are now on the outside and b. people who simply have never entered into an "in community" type of relationship with us (for whatever reason). In the case of a., there is relational baggage. There is history. In the case of b., there is no moral reason why we're not in community, we're just not, and there could be a number of reasons for this. It may be because of different faith beliefs, or a lack of time spent together, or because you don't "click," or just because you've never tried even though the relationship has great potential. There may be relational history, but it isn't negative or traumatic. There are many reasons for outsiders falling into the "b." category.

So far, I've gotten the most questions about the "a." category. In fact, multiple people have asked me specifically about relationships with abusive fathers. Family relationships begin as in-community relationships by default, it's only over time that we gain the ability to "choose," as it were. Multiple people have asked me, "Because I have no longer have relationship with my father, does that mean I'm demanding repayment?"

My response is this: What is the reason you have no relationship? What efforts at forgiveness have been tried? What has the response been? Is the reason you have no relationship because you've struggled to forgive or because your father has struggled to repent?

In the conversations I've had so far, it has always been the case that the person I was talking to had some kind of narcissistic abusive father who persisted in causing harm without ever making an amends, or even attempting an amends. Given that, Matthew 18:17 suggests Jesus himself would be comfortable treating that person as an outsider, severing relational ties.

In situations such as this, it is not demanding repayment to remove yourself from relationship if you are doing so because you've been injured, attempted forgiveness, and have repeatedly met strong resistance.

More on this tomorrow.

Forgiveness: Insiders and Outsiders

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17, NRSV

Is removing yourself from a relationship the same thing as demanding repayment?

In short, no, but it depends on the circumstances. The conversation about demanding repayment was all about what we do in relationships where we desire to maintain (or restore) some level of intimacy. These are "in community" relationships where both parties are trying to remain in community with each other. If, for instance, you're trying to remain in a marriage where a great harm has taken place, and you're trying to forgive, then it's important to pay attention to the ways in which you're emotionally withholding (or emotionally aggressive).

Now, let's say we're trying to stay in community, we do everything we can to avoid demanding repayment, and we see no remorse or change of behavior from the other person. I'm talking true remorse here- not lip service. Then, even though we're dealing with what once was an in-community relationship, it becomes an outside the community relationship because the terms of intimacy are damaged (not because we have been bad at forgiving!). Not only are the terms of intimacy damaged, but they're left to rot. No repair has taken place. This person becomes like a Gentile (see verse 17 above)- relationship is severed. You haven't chosen to make this person an outsider, they have chosen to live as an outsider. It is the voice of shame that makes us feel responsible for this. Resist it.

More tomorrow.

Forgiveness with people outside of the "hut"

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17, NRSV

I would suggest that, when dealing with forgiveness outside of community, our ideal is practice the same principles as within the community. That is the ideal. We strive to be willing to forgive and to offer forgiveness as much as we can and as often as we can. However, there are times where we are pushed beyond what is reasonable.

In the verses above, Jesus himself recognizes these limits even in community. If a community member is completely non-repentant and non-communicative then he acknowledges that this person becomes like a Gentile or a tax collector. In other words, this person becomes an outsider to you. This is a way of saying the relationship is severed.

When it comes forgiveness with people who are not part of our community, then this conversation about Gentiles and tax collectors is essentially our starting point. Now, to be clear, our desire is to be as gracious, forgiving, and merciful to outsiders as we would be to anyone else. But, we're not talking about everyday life here. We're talking about how to process extreme harm.

In short, here's what I'm saying: When someone who is not part of our "hut" causes us great harm, there is nothing wrong with removing yourself from that relationship. I know this is a little confusing based on our conversation about demanding repayment for the debt, so stay tuned.

More on this tomorrow.