More on creating opportunities for joy

What else creates opportunities for joy?

Be in the habit of knowing what you need in life, and voicing that when necessary.

I’m not talking about want’s here. I’m talking about true needs.

In my case, there can be a blurry line between “want” and “need” and the only way for me to discern it is to be, well, discerning. In order to avoid going off the absolute deep end, I need time alone. I need to be quiet. I need silence. I need time to gather myself, time to evaluate my life. This is a legitimate need and so, when it’s not happening, I have conversations with Brittany about how we can create space for that.

However, I also very much enjoy being alone. Sometimes I like it so much that I’ll ask for more of that time than I really need. This is when a need becomes a want and evolves into something selfish and potentially destructive.

Spend time identifying needs. Also spend time identifying what it looks like for that need to be met, so that you know when you’re crossing over the threshold into risky territory. This will not only create opportunities for joy, it maintains balance and relational harmony with those you love.

What else creates opportunities for joy? Let us know in the comments.

Are you willing to pursue what is good no matter the outcome?

Yesterday we asked the question, can we pursue what we know is good for us even if it isn’t a magical cure for all of our pain?

So, we know the importance of taking care of our bodies physically and practicing gratitude. What else do we need to pursue?

Depth of relationship. I have a hard time believing that anything is more important than this. You need relationships where you can expose the totality of who you are as a person, and what you do as a person, and open yourself to feedback and wisdom.

How do you create this?

Sometimes it can happen on accident, simply by spending time together. In order to create opportunities for that, make sure you spend regular time around the same people. Sometimes, though, it requires intentionality. You may have to plan what you are going to tell a person in advance. Sometimes, before I meet with someone who I have this kind of relationship with, I literally plan out what stories I’m going to tell about who I’ve been and what I’ve done. If I don’t plan it, it’s just as easy to allow the opportunity to slip by.

Don’t allow yourself to be in the habit of letting opportunities slip by.

Do you believe you deserve joy?

If you aren’t willing to make changes, do you really want to flourish? Do you expect to? Do you think you don’t deserve to? Are you afraid changes will have no impact, therefore you’d rather do nothing so as to avoid disappointment?

So often we do not take care of ourselves because don’t view ourselves as people who are worthy of being care for. Perhaps this is a message that has been sent to us time and again in relationships. Perhaps it’s merely a perception. Either way, why continue to perpetuate the myth? If there are things that you can do to improve your chances at joy and flourishing, then give them a try.

But what if they don’t work?

What does it mean for a thing like this (the pursuit of joy) to work? That’s an important question. What are our expectations? What outcomes do we anticipate?

Again, I can’t promise you any particular outcomes, necessarily. I can’t give you the easy path towards joy and flourishing. There isn’t one. The real question is, can we pursue what we know is good for us even if it isn’t a magical cure for all of our pain?

What makes joy possible?

What makes joy possible?

Let me be clear that I’m not totally sure, but I am spending a few days pointing out the practical things that we know help.

We’ve talked about gratitude a lot over the years at NSC, and in particular each time we meet for our weekend services. Certain studies suggest that gratitude habits can have a greater impact on a person than an anti-depressant (if you want to know more about that then send me an email).

We like to take medication, as a culture. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. Sometimes we can’t return to our body’s baseline without it. Sometimes, though, we want to take medication because we hope it’ll create change without demanding that we make any changes to how we’re living.

It’s worth considering in this conversation, then, what are you willing to do differently? If you’re struggling and can’t see a way out, are you willing to make any changes? If not, why not?

Give yourself a chance at joy

What are the kinds of things we need to be doing in life in order to give us the best possible chance at joy?

This is an important question. There are certain forms of living that take joy off the table. There are certain forms of living that create the possibility for joy and flourishing. Now, this doesn’t mean there is a guarantee. I can’t promise that if you do three easy steps that you’ll be filled with joy and meaning and purpose. I think, though, that there are certain things we can do to open the door and create opportunities.

I’m going to sound like a broken record on this first one, but we need to take care of our bodies physically. I struggle with this. I’m a horribly unhealthy eater (though I’m making changes). I don’t get enough sleep. I don’t eat breakfast. I don’t drink enough water. I break a lot of rules- don’t follow my example. But, regardless of my flaws, we know that each of these things goes a long way in establishing a mental health baseline. What does that mean? It means that we can’t see what level of thriving our body is capable of until we care for it properly through food, sleep, and physical activity. It’s important to know how our body adjusts to being properly cared for so that we know what additional measures are necessary to pursue wellness of whatever kind. For instance, if you haven’t established your baseline, then you don’t really know whether you need an anti-depressant. There are still plenty of doctors who will put you on one, though.

If you’ve never taken this part of life seriously, and you’re struggling, consider it. At the very least, you’ll learn what your baseline is and that will help guide your path forward.

Learn to enjoy a process

It takes bravery and self-discipline to practice living out of your certain way of seeing under difficult circumstances, but there’s a certain joy that comes from bravery and discipline.

Last year I started a new workout plan. I see a trainer 3 or 4 times per year and he gives me a regimen that it takes me 10 to 15 weeks to complete. At first, I hated it. I had a gym routine that I liked- even though it wasn’t particularly giving me any benefits anymore. The new routine means I have to workout in areas in the gym that I hate. I had to learn to lift weights- which meant lifting very lightly- much lighter than some of the middle and high schoolers in the gym. Embarrassing stuff.

Over time, I began to enjoy the process. Is it because I became so strong and buff that I liked how I looked? Nope. That hasn’t happened. It’s because I was exercising discipline in doing something that I knew was good for me, even if the activities themselves were difficult to get through. Some days I finish a routine and sit down on the floor in a puddle of sweat and try not to pass out. That isn’t particularly pleasant, but I know it’s going to give me the opportunity to be a husband and father who is around for the long haul.

I want to take care of myself for the sake of my family and community. I do not enjoy the act of deadlifting, but I have learned to appreciate what the act does for me such that I can do it without being irritated. I have learned to enjoy the process of taking care of myself because I can see how the process contributes to what I want for my life: to be a person who is healthy and available for family and community.

There is a certain joy that comes from exercising a little discipline, even if it isn’t that much, and even if the outcomes of the discipline aren’t that large. Sometimes you just have to trust the process and hope that joy will arrive on its own time.

So, what is the process?

Flourishing is not about having a "better" life

Flourishing isn’t just about finding more satisfactory life circumstances or outcomes. It’s about radical interconnectedness with God, self, and others, and everything that comes with it.

So often we associate joy and flourishing with success. How often, for instance, do we associate joy and flourishing with a restful family day? I would guess not much. Joy and flourishing can be the product of giving or receiving love, of being merciful to a friend who has hurt you, of forgiving someone who humbly asks for it.

It can take a great deal out of us, of course, to practice any one of these actions when things are not going well. If you’re out of work, if you’re over-worked, if you have an abusive co-worker, or if a family member is nearing the end of life, then you may struggle to give or receive love, to show mercy, to extend forgiveness (there are many other stressors that make life hard beyond these examples).

It takes bravery and self-discipline to practice such things under such circumstances, but there’s a certain joy that comes from bravery and discipline.

More on this tomorrow.

Flourishing is never completely out of reach

Let’s take a step back for a second. We’ve been talking about the fact that positive experiences in life are not completely shut off from those who are struggling. Flourishing is never completely out of reach, though of course it will feel that way at times.

What if things are going well in life?

What a curse it can be for things to go well. Of course that sounds horribly offensive to the hurting. However, I can’t get even remotely close to being able to count the number of times I’ve seen people utterly and completely crash and burn because they replaced their disciplines for more fun stuff because things started to go well. When things go well, we stop going to meetings, we stop integrating with community, we lose touch, and we disengage. This is a dangerous place to be.

If things are going well for you, don’t assume you are flourishing simply because you are happier than usual or because your soul feels lighter than it used to. You may just be distracted. Flourishing isn’t just about finding more satisfactory life circumstances or outcomes. It’s about radical interconnectedness with God, self, and others, and everything that comes with it.

There’s always more to come.

God gives wisdom so you may find joy

2 My brothers and sisters, think of the various tests you encounter as occasions for joy. 3 After all, you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 Let this endurance complete its work so that you may be fully mature, complete, and lacking in nothing. 5 But anyone who needs wisdom should ask God, whose very nature is to give to everyone without a second thought, without keeping score. Wisdom will certainly be given to those who ask.

~ James 1:2-5

Alright, let’s get technical for a second day. I know, you didn’t agree to this.

The passage seems kind of random. It talks about tests, joy, maturity, and endurance, and then shifts to talking about wisdom. Why so random? Well, it’s not really quite so random. Basically, endurance and maturity create wisdom. And, when we know that endurance and maturity are on the horizon then we can experience joy. So we know that joy and wisdom are closely related. And, better yet, God will freely give wisdom to those who ask. And, if wisdom and joy are related, this means God will freely give joy (the hope that there is more to come) to those who ask.

So often the message that is sent when talking about resiliency, or flourishing, or joy, or gratitude, or whatever, is that this thing must simply be done. Just do it. Be resilient, people!

I always think, “Oh, yes, I wish I had thought of that.” I wish I had just thought to be resilient when my wife was in physical agony during her third miscarriage in an 8 month period. If I had thought it, surely I would have felt better?

That isn’t what is happening here. What is happening here is that God freely gives to those in need. I am imaging that verse 5 is addressed to those who do not have wisdom, who have lost hope that there is more still to come. The word “but” implies a contrast. It would be great if tests led to joy, but, if they don’t, then ask God for wisdom. He will give it, and with it you may find joy.

There’s always more to come.

Suffering and Joy

2 My brothers and sisters, think of the various tests you encounter as occasions for joy. 3 After all, you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 Let this endurance complete its work so that you may be fully mature, complete, and lacking in nothing. 5 But anyone who needs wisdom should ask God, whose very nature is to give to everyone without a second thought, without keeping score. Wisdom will certainly be given to those who ask.

~ James 1:2-5

Let’s get technical for just one day, deal?

The logic of the passage goes like this: joy is a product of maturity which is a product of endurance which is a product of suffering. It’s important to take a step back and actually consider the logic because a too-quick reading suggests that suffering itself creates joy. Joy is the byproduct of hindsight, after many years of pursuing a certain way of seeing and, at last, gaining perspective. In other words, tests are occasions for joy in the sense that we know tests will lead to some kind of perspective, to wisdom. This is not the same thing as saying you’re happy about tests or suffering, it’s more like saying you hope and trust that there is more to come. Joy, then, is trusting that there is more to come.

The ability to flourish is intertwined with our ability to hope and trust that there is always more to come. God is not yet done.

Joy and Pain

2 My brothers and sisters, think of the various tests you encounter as occasions for joy. 3 After all, you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 Let this endurance complete its work so that you may be fully mature, complete, and lacking in nothing. 5 But anyone who needs wisdom should ask God, whose very nature is to give to everyone without a second thought, without keeping score. Wisdom will certainly be given to those who ask.

Yesterday we talked about perspective as a component of a flourishing life. Perspective is about recognizing that we have multiple types of experiences available to us at all times, even if one type (i.e., suffering) dominates at a given moment. The passage above talks about joy and suffering simultaneously. That requires perspective.

It’s not easy to talk about joy in a world where there is so much obvious pain. To even voice the word “joy” can seem pollyanna-ish, like an attempt to bury your head in the sand and pretend that heartache is not real. And yet, according to this passage in James anyway, joy can be found amidst suffering. Joy and suffering are not mutually exclusive. There can be overlap. The ability to recognize that is in itself a sign of flourishing. It is perspective.

Perspective is the ability to see that life offers us a myriad of experiences at the same time. When one experience is dominating, it can be easy to block out or ignore other important experiences, and we may miss what’s there. This is part of why it’s important to keep a gratitude journal when we’re struggling.

If you have questions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. More on this tomorrow.

Perspective and Experience

Yesterday I wrote that one aspect of flourishing is the ability to maintain perspective. This means, essentially, that though one type of experience may dominate our lives at a given moment, we acknowledge that it is not the only type of experience that exists or that is available to us. That sounds vague, I know, so let’s deal with an example. Families in recovery often have very tense interactions when they gather together. We see many families in fact who share a house with someone who is in active substance use disorder, and the house is not a pleasant place to be. The fear, the anxiety, the frustration, the anger, the resentment, and the tension can dominate the experience, but they are not the only experiences available to us.

There are ways to find moments of happiness and moments of joy, even if they seem fleeting by comparison at that moment. We can both actively struggle and find breaks from that struggle if we can be disciplined in setting aside the dominate feeling for a moment. One way we recommend doing this is to go to a movie, or go bowling, or go out to eat, without talking about anything serious.

How do you find breaks from your struggles while in the midst of the struggle?

What helps you flourish?

We’re going to be talking about flourishing for a few days. What do I mean by flourishing? I don’t have a good definition, so let me instead point to a few types of things that define flourishing. Flourishing is about acknowledging and accepting our life circumstances. It is the willingness to do difficult things in order to stay faithful to our certain way of seeing (we might call this courage). It is about finding perspective, even when our circumstances are so oppressive that it is difficult to see beyond the darkness of the present moment. It is about pursuing hope, which is the art of living as if God is not yet done transforming his creation.

What would you add to the list?

2019: A Year for Flourishing?

So often in a recovery community we end up talking about suffering. In many ways our sufferings are what drew us towards this community, or what drew us into recovery. It’s important to talk about our suffering because our culture’s superficiality often forces us into silence over our suffering, which leaves us isolated.

And yet…too much focus on suffering leads to unproductive rumination. This is true of us as individuals and true of us as a community. In 2018, we tried to shift away from community rumination. We talked about responsibility, we talked about ways to find hope, we talked about covering each other’s weaknesses, and more.

We’re now in the second month of 2019, and resolutions are, perhaps, beginning to fall by the wayside. I am resolving, though, to try to push our community conversation towards flourishing. What does it mean to flourish? How do we pursue it? I’m going to spend at least a few days of devotionals exploring these things.

If you’re struggling, this does not mean I’m going to leave you behind. It is possible to “flourish” while struggling, though it is a great challenge. I will try to keep the conversation grounded in reality.

Tomorrow will be different

In Richmond, we say if you do not like the weather, wait a day because it will surely change. This is good soul care advice too. I suspect we all find greater equanimity and peace when we realize that our highs and lows and in-betweens shift and morph and change. The mountain top experiences are lovely but temporary; as are the deep valleys of despair.

Whether I find myself up high or way down low, I remember this:

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

Psalm 30:11, 12 NIV

My own view of life is shifting. It helps me, and I hope it is helpful for you too, to know that there is ALWAYS the possibility that God will gift us with singing hearts and joy. When I ran away from home that Spring Break oh so many years ago, I finished my quiet time and strapped on my boots. I went for a long hike. I RESOLVED to choose to believe that my wailing was valid but not permanent. I went looking for joy; I’ve practiced the discipline of joy for so long now that most days I find her.

As I write this, I am at NSC and we are readying ourselves for our Saturday night service. I’m a voyeur as the band practices their set list. I listen as they discuss and choose and wrangle over chord progressions. I am reminded how hard they work to sing and play for us and in this I recognize the joy. They practice; they prepare. Tonight, the music will pour out. It will be a sacrificial offering. And I am lucky enough to know what that costs them and the joy they receive from the offering. Joy is a beautiful contagious lover of God and his people.

One final thought on joy; I cannot find her in isolation. All my joy stories revolve around others. I do not know what this means, only that it is true for me. Where do you find joy? Are you looking for her like a jealous lover?

Hope and despair

Once, many years ago, I was in a despair the likes of which I could not shake. Scott was at Va. Tech in school; Meredith was far away working; Pete was out of town. Michael was in high school and on Spring Break. I needed hope so desperately and my skin, my being, could not stay at home and go to work one more day in such a state of hopelessness.

I asked Michael if he would agree to a road trip, and he was kind enough to oblige. We threw some stuff in a bag and headed west. I dropped Michael off at Scott’s apartment in Blacksburg for a guys’ night, and I went to a local hotel. It was nothing special but this is what you get in Blacksburg with no notice.

That night I was in bed as soon as I got to the room; I woke early the next morning, went out to get coffee and a breakfast sandwich and returned to the solitude of the rented room. I transferred the steaming coffee into my favorite mug and retrieved my quiet time materials. Then I sat. I just sat. I reminded myself that I sit because there is a God and I am not him. I sit to honor his presence, without expecting to hear his voice. It is enough to sit. I sat until I could bear to listen. Then I opened my tattered copy of “Rooted In God’s Love” and turned to the next entry, finding this prayer from Dale and Juanita Ryan:

Lord of joy,

Lord of celebration,

open my heart to the possibility of joy today.

Help me to tolerate the confusion

that comes when sorrow and joy live side by side in my heart.

Give me the courage to

joyfully celebrate life.

Amen

Without a lot of fanfare, my mind opened to a new way of seeing - unbidden and undeserved - hope showed up in the nick of time. I saw how my day-to-day activities often created the illusion that life was more sorrow than joy. As my vision “corrected,” I grabbed my journal and out flowed the joy. The moment I turned and looked at my boys the previous evening, so glad to be together with game controllers in hand. The beauty of the coming Spring evident in the Virginia mountains that I so deeply love. On and on my joy poured out on the pages of my notebook. None of this was news to me, but it had ALL been forgotten. I was bogged down in confusion and sorrow, missing the joy that lived side by side in my heart.

So my friend, as we work to “get it right” - which is a good thing, we must find time to connect to our joy. We sit and wait on the Lord to give us the gift of hope - a gift that comes with no strings. But we also “get it right” as we take time to rightly remember. Look for the joy. Sorrow is a needy beast always yapping at our heels for our attention. Joy is far kinder and more polite. She waits for us to notice her, sitting patiently, eager to connect with us. Friends - find the joy! Then spread it around all willy nilly!

Hope and the future

Yesterday I mentioned a friend who is extremely resilient and provided an example of how is resilience shows up for him and the rest of us. He is, I suspect, temperamentally well-suited for resilience. This is not to discredit his resiliency in any way, because resiliency isn’t a temperament trait, it is a skill set. But knowing this man, I think it is a skill set he took to like a duck to water.

However, I am NOT temperamentally suited for resilience. But by dingy I practice it. It is not natural, nor am I as skilled as my friend, but I personally believe that as faithful people, we are called to resilience.

Whether or not we are working on new resolutions in this fresh, new year, resilience is a crucial life skill. It is the difference between thriving and wasting away. Too often we believe our circumstances drive our thriving - that’s not true. It is resilience.

Notice that I particularly called on faithful people to practice resilience. I’m not talking pie-in-the-sky, God blesses me because he loves me, and every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before thinking. That is not resilience. It’s a kind of spiritual languaging that some find comforting, and if you do - awesome. But I do not. It doesn’t fit the facts of my life. I believe that the facts and our faith align.

Does God bless his people? Yes. Do God’s people suffer? Yes. Resilient people can believe both those things at the same time without poking their eye out with a pencil, because resilient people do not NEED everything to go well for them in order to feel loved by God.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV

Hope is a gift not a guarantee. Whether or not we fulfill our resolutions in 2019, our hope does not rest in getting what we want. My friends the Ryans wrote this on page 242 of “Rooted In God’s Love” - “We need to remind ourselves daily that we do not serve the god-of-relentless-cheerfulness, or the god-of-naivete, or the god-of-blind-optimism. We serve the God of Hope. God is hope-full and loves to share hope-full-ness with us. We can come to God with our fear, doubt and despair and God will give good gifts to us. When all other reasons for hope fail us, we can return to the God for Hope because God is greater than our disappointment, greater than our failure, greater than the problems and conflicts in our hearts and our homes and our communities and our world.”

Resilient people can teach us

Resilient people have shared characteristics - so say the experts in these matters. One of those shared capacities is confidence that no matter what is happening in the present, tomorrow will be different.

This morning I had an early meeting with a group of folks, one of whom had just received terrible news about his business. It COULD be potentially very bad for his bottom line. Here is what he did about it:

1. He showed up for his obligation even though we all would have understood if he bailed. But he didn’t bail. He showed up because this is what resilient people do. They show up.

2. He named the problem. He analyzed it. He questioned the issues and was curious about the findings. It was clear that he would look into this issue further. He will not just assume that the bad news is the truth.

3. He ended his conversation by saying, “Either way, we will figure it out.”

Resilient people have an innate sense that things will work out. They understand that bad news isn’t the only news, and that a bad day is one day. It doesn’t translate into a bad life or even a bad week.

Can you find that capacity in yourself? If not, how could you acquire that skill?

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31 NIV

Remembering

My friend Linda and I have been talking about Christmas memories today. She’s in a funk and so we were talking about some memories and how she feels about them. I gave her some different ways of thinking about the same events, and she is such a good sport that she readily agreed that there were several legitimate interpretations to some of her Christmas memories.

Remembering.

This is a wonderful skill set for all occasions, especially during the holidays.

I consider it a spiritual discipline.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Psalm 77:11-12 NIV

IF we are going to make changes, it will be helpful to remember. I have found more compassion and empathy for past resentments and griefs once I was able to remember.

What is remembering? It is the capacity, like Linda, to consider that the stories we tell ourselves may have different interpretations.

Have you noticed that when we tell a story from the past, particularly an emotional one, that over time our recitations of the story become rote? It’s like someone pushes our play button and we retell the story with the exact same words we have always used?

What stories do you need to remember? Who could you talk to and perhaps get a fresh interpretation of the same old story?

Growing up

The traits that we associate with success may not be helpful in achieving our New Year’s resolutions. In a world where we believe that resources are scarce, we compete to win the prize. Like food. Or firewood. Or a promotion. Evidently we live in a world that believes that resources are scarce. How else can we explain the rush of December 2018 when the Cheesecake Factory gave away a free piece of cheesecake to customers as a way of celebrating their anniversary? There were traffic jams and fights and even arrests for disorderly conduct. For cheesecake. I’m obsessed with this story. I’m confused by it and disappointed that this is what we are willing to go to any lengths to acquire - a free piece of cheesecake.

There is another way of living. We choose to stop looking for the world to reward us. Instead, we turn around and notice those around us who need a reward and we give them one. This requires attentiveness and a commitment to believe that the world is an abundant place, with plenty to go around if we all share. No matter our status or job title, we can be people who offer rewards. Today I was grabbing a coffee and the baker slipped me a tiny piece of her peppermint bar dessert to taste. No charge. Delicious. She was rewarding me. I paid it forward. When I ordered my coffee, I also paid for the person behind me. I rewarded him.

After grabbing my coffee, eating that yummy treat and paying it forward, I hopped in my car and drove off. Because I was so filled with the joy of giving and receiving, I stopped to let a guy walking his two dogs cross the street. I could have just blown by. I had to wait for him to arrive at the crosswalk, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted him to know that I saw him and that he mattered and I would wait for him on this bitterly cold day so that he did not need to slow his pace for me to drive by. One kind pepperminty act inspired more acts of kindness.

My son just graduated college. We rewarded him. He tells us that our generosity and support during his college adventure is reward enough and not to get him a gift. He is rewarding us with such kind words. We will reward him even if he tells us not to because his accomplishment is worth rewarding. I imagine he will pay that forward.

What if we all believed that there was enough, and that we have more than enough to share? Maybe we cannot always share in a way that is monetary, but kindness is priceless and noticing someone’s presence is like winning the lottery. We all have the capacity to reward.

Having the attentiveness to notice and the willingness to reward others on a regular basis is an indicator that whatever our resolutions are, we are more likely to achieve them. This is an essential way of living life satisfied and joy-filled.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Isaiah 30:15 NIV