A way to practice new kinds of conversations

We have “couple” friends who have a common marital set up. One is an extrovert, the other an introvert. The introvert loves long silences and takes it as an indicator that she has married the perfect mate; the extrovert sees any silence as a sign his spouse is secretly preparing divorce papers.

Making sure that both parties get a chance to be heard is important to maintain the integrity of the relationship. Because my friends kept getting into fights about confusing silence as either an intimacy turn on or a bid for disaster, they came up with a plan to take turns talking.

One person talks at a time, and the length of time is pre-arranged. Then they switch roles. During these daily check-ins, they have chosen to practice their listening skills. They try using open-ended questions, expressing attentiveness through eye contact, and NOT doing all those naughty things that cause road blocks.

Both feel affirmed and loved and their confusions about marital happiness appear to be in the past. At first their friends thought they were acting weird and too artificial with their scheduling. But secretly, each spouse reports that as artificial as this system feels, it is both a blessing and a challenge.

The introvert reports that she has had to up her attentiveness and conversational game; the extrovert reports a surprising discovery - he has not been very curious about his wife’s inner life. Both muse: “We wonder if we really would have been happily married if we had not addressed our I/E differences.”

CHALLENGE: Do you talk too much or too little? Do you make space for your loved ones to talk? If so, are you listening attentively? If not, how do you keep current with what their life is like?