Change and More Change

For decades I refused to weigh myself. I reasoned that weighing myself multiple times a day was a symptom of my eating disorder and concluded that continuing the practice was not good for my health. There are some haunts, humans and habits that need to be eliminated in early recovery; weighing myself was one of mine. It was a good decision in the early years of my journey. In early recovery weighing myself would have been a triggering behavior. My brain was so re-wired for disordered eating that any actions associated with the disease had to go.

A few years ago my trainer, also in recovery from an eating disorder, challenged me about this avoidance technique. She asked, “Do you think your recovery is not robust enough to handle an honest measuring every now and then?” She clarified her comment by assuring me that she was not encouraging me to step on a scale. What she was asking me was if stepping on a scale was still a trigger.

Step Ten requires great moral courage. We have to examine our actions in the moment. We ask ourselves if our behavior and feelings and thoughts are congruent with the intentions we have set for ourselves. When they do not, we admit and correct as needed.

My trainer was asking me to be a person of courage and reconsider my actions. Ultimately, I chose to re-introduce the scale on a limited basis. Later she admitted to me that she wanted me to know that I was objectively healthy. I was “normal” by all health standards.

She had this sneaky suspicion that my avoidance was less about healthy recovery and more about fearing that I was abnormal, not well, disordered. Of course, this required me to humbly accept her words of encouragement as truth. Again, not easy but necessary.

A tenth step is as vital for identifying change and progress and results from our efforts as it is about catching problems early before they get out of hand.