On The Verge…

The last couple of weeks have been short takes on how we influence one another - for good or...not. I am a lucky duck in that I am surrounded by influencers who are lovely supporters. But sometimes - even with the best support in the world - we find ourselves emotionally exhausted, depleted of our capacity to show compassion and with a relentless, nagging feeling that nothing we do will ever make any difference.

This happened to me. In hindsight, it all makes perfect sense. First, my mother died. That would be difficult enough but the circumstances surrounding her death knocked me flat. I responded as I do; I came home from the funeral and tried harder. But, what I could not ignore was that everything I had done to keep our family together as a unit and to avoid the possibility of our dysfunction splitting us apart was futile. As a young girl I made two vows:

1. I would never want my family of origin to be broken apart by dissension and jealousy (as I had seen played out in previous generations.)

2. I wanted to create a family when I grew up that was a few steps removed from pathological.

Is this too much to ask? It turns out, it was. Of course you, dear reader, see the problem. I am but one human in a family system comprised of many humans. I was doomed to fail. To be clear, I think I managed to not birth any serial killers - my kids are awesome! But families are all complicated in their own way.

The second thing that occurred, was this blasted pandemic, right smack in the middle of a cultural revolution. If you don't know this, maybe I could give you some context. It has been extremely difficult to be a pastor during a pandemic and political upheaval. If you are not a pastor, I suspect this won't mean much and I will not bore you with the heart wrenching angst of it all. But it was - and is - pretty unbearable in some ways.

Maybe I could have kept paddling my boat if I faced either one of these events, but two of them? I did not have a chance. Self-care, therapy, super influencers, a family this is loving and not pathological? These things probably kept me out of in-patient treatment, but just barely.

But I learned a ton along the way, and I want to explore that for awhile with you. Stay tuned.

No One is Asking You to be Right

I am my biggest limitation. It's true. I make up stories in my head about what I SHOULD do, or the kind of person I COULD be, or the life I MIGHT HAVE HAD IF ONLY.... most of it is just baloney. It turns out that everyone has limitations. Even I, with all mine, has not been powerful enough to ruin my children.

Last week we had our annual Memorial Day family gathering. The grandkids are at the stage where you can take your eyes off them for 3 seconds without them choking on a screw or choking each other. I built them a fort in the back yard made of sheets and towels thrown over a dome-like jungle gym structure that they climb on and fall off of on a regular basis. They loved their little cozy fort.

The big kids - all the rest of us, played pickle ball on a court drawn quite precisely by the resident engineer in the family. Scott and I acted as his assistants and we really did try to keep our mocking to a minimum over his precision and laser focus on getting it perfect. We ate a simple meal that included a new recipe from my sister-in-law, who we affectionately call Chef ShooFly because she is an excellent cook and one of the littles called her that years ago and it stuck. We had a discussion on labor unions (with many different perspectives at the table) and I can only speak for myself - I learned a ton.

My joy is complete - to see the way my family respected each other even with the diversity that has bloomed as the years have started to pile up and kids have turned into adults. It occurs to me that with all the things I regret about the way I parented, the thing I love about being a parent is that somewhere along the line someone managed to convey to my children that no one is asking any of us to be right or deny their limitations. No one has to be certain that their opinion should and must prevail.

I don't know who taught them these things, but I am so grateful to learn by watching them live a life of unconditional positive regard for one another. My optimism for future generations grows as I see how this next generation is modeling these truths for their children. So just in case no one has told you recently - your limitations are not a problem. Everyone has them. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to manage them.

Mostly True

As a general rule, I'm not all that fond of the book of Proverbs. Each verse needs to be broken out and commentated on for it to make sense. For example, consider Proverbs 17:17:

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

I give this one a true-ish score. Families, ideally, stick together in all kinds of trouble. But I've seen up close and personal how a parent can teach that to a child but not be able to keep that kind of commitment themselves.

It is lovely to think that people can handle the ups and downs of life, and a few can. But many cannot. We need to tell ourselves the truth about this - especially as it applies to our own boundaries. There are things that I have decided I am not willing to stick around for anymore. Am I selfish? Am I a bad person? Maybe. But it is also possible that I am learning more about what it means to take responsibility for my own choices and decide for myself that some things are just too much for me to handle.

Maybe you can handle more. Awesome! Maybe you can handle less. Nothing wrong with that! But in all these things, it is important to tell ourselves the truth about what's going on with us and own our choices. I find it so interesting that people often place expectations on others that they would never require themselves to live up to - pay attention to this! This will help you sort through your options.

Family and Faith

In a very public Father's Day letter published in the New York Times Anna Quindlen once wrote, "We might as well have a universal support group: Adult Children of Parents." The gist of the letter was a bit of a commentary on the challenge every child faces: to wake up to the reality that they are individuals, not extensions of their parental units. Most of us do not have to hate our family to differentiate ourselves from them. But sometimes our families do hate us when we try.

Jesus knew this. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus speaks of the gut-wrenching work of choosing for ourselves who we want to become. He compares and contrasts those who follow Jesus and those who don't - including a controversial passage that says that if we love our families more than Jesus we are unworthy. I suspect that Jesus and Anna Quindlen were making similar points. All families are complex webs of interconnection. From the smallest details (Duke's or Hellmann's?) to larger issues like politics, our family beliefs, customs and idiosyncratic ways are engrained in us. This is not a good versus bad thing; it is a complicated dance toward maturity and choosing for ourselves how we want to create the next generation of 'family.'

Following Jesus was a sure fire way to get you scratched from the holiday party back in the day. This idea of 'hating' your mother and father was not Jesus' idea; it was the reality for anyone who chose to follow Jesus at that time. Today, we understand this, right? How many families do you know that have survived unscathed their voting records in 2016 or their various positions on the Black Lives Matter movement?

Jesus is not trying to break people up. What he is saying is this: love me best. And, if that is true, then he promises us this: no matter the ups and downs of our relationships and life as a result of choosing him - whatever we lose for his sake, God will breathe new life into. We will lose if we love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength because it will require us to jettison old habitual ways of believing, thinking and being. People won't like that. But God will love us and continue to breathe on our dry, dead bones.

Sinking Into the Moments…

I don’t believe we’re meant to ‘get through’ our lives. It might take a lifetime of practice, but I think we’re meant to sink into the moments and really LIVE the days we’ve been given.

Erica Layne

Our family seriously quarantined this past summer, which left two preschoolers with no preschool or other activities. All four parents and two available grandparents have full time jobs. We were busy being available and flexible as a team. Mornings during the week were spent at Meme’s summer camp; it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

By summer’s end, it was golden. They had learned to cooperate more and compete less. I saw more tenderness and less territorial bickering over who would get to use which swing, squirt the hose, sit in Pop’s lap, blow bubbles with the blue wand, eat their protein bars with or without a wrapper.

Our schedule is more manageable now but I miss sinking into the moment and really LIVING the day I was given with those two characters. Whether I thought I could afford it or not, my mornings were spent in the sun, playing. I played with chalk, sat in the kiddie pool, pushed the swing, caught a giggling girl as she charged down the slide. I also administered first aid and handed out consequences. I sweated bullets. Some days I needed a nap in the afternoon, further cutting into my productive work time. I would not change a thing.

Norah talks so well now that she can tell me she needs her privacy; Christian is starting to look like a boy who will soon head off to kindergarten. My babies are growing up. If there is gratitude I can find in the pandemic - and there is much to be grateful for - tops on my list is the uninterrupted time I had with these two little humans.

If you’re “getting through” the pandemic and that is absolutely your best case scenario, awesome. But...if you could find a way to seek out gratitude and resilience, it is possible to find moments to sink into! I hope you find a few!!