Adjust Your Nice-O-Meter

"I cannot give you a formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody."

Herbert Bayard Swope

In a recent Sunday message, Scott differentiated between "nice" and "loving" - I thought it was a great distinction. For influencers who are tempted to always be "nice", who are especially gifted at creating rapport between people and focus almost exclusively on relationships - there is a downside. These folks often shy away from addressing problems, handling conflict and making tough calls because others will express displeasure. I suppose it is good to be nice to a point, but there are limitations that often lead us to actually fail to love other well when we care more about what they think of us than doing the right and good and true thing.

Could this be you? Are you a people pleasure? How could you adjust your nice-o-meter?

Big T, Little t

We regularly talk about trauma in our community. We define it as either Big T trauma (a one-time cataclysmic event) or Little T trauma (think of it as the steady drip drip drip of being in a non-nurturing environment). These two kinds of trauma make it hard for some of us to recognize that we are experiencing the consequences of living with untreated trauma.

Do you wonder if you might be feeling the effects of trauma? One symptom is feeling different from others. Traumatic experiences (big or little) typically feel surreal. We are likely to minimize or excuse them - especially the Little T traumas. The type of trauma can dictate how an individual feels different or believes that they are different from others. Traumas that generate shame will often leave survivors feeling alienated from others. Feeling bad or fearing that they might behave badly, trauma survivors makes it even more unlikely that they will seek support and healing.

This sneaky trauma response might leave us more brittle and judgmental, or too pliable and people pleasing. Here's my point: it's not enough to just try to behave perfectly or believe flawlessly or better ourselves. We need to give ourselves permission to open up our lens of compassionate self-awareness. Get more curious! Explore the ways our behavior might be more about symptoms than character or competence.

This exploration has been tremendously healing for me; I hope you will consider the possibility that life could get better but the return to joy may require taking the road less traveled.

People pleasing

Our family embraces anxiety as a lifestyle.  It’s a gift, really, because it is such an uncomfortable way to live that it continually invites us to learn new ways of being in the world.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.  

In yesterday’s example of unsolicited feedback that surely triggered insecurity and anxiety in my adult child, this kid chose to practice some of what anxiety has taught us.

First off - it is a constant challenge to give up on this notion of being liked and the constant fear of disappointing people.  That is really the most important thing we as anxious people must try to practice to mitigate the devastating effects of approval anxiety.

Just because we are not liked does not mean we are unlikeable.  We all have preferences when it comes to interacting with various personalities, we are not going to be universally beloved!!  Constantly seeking approval from others is unrealistic and requires a massive and aggressive campaign to hide huge parts of who we are from others.  Exhausting!

We disappoint others ALL THE TIME.  This is also reality.  Heck, I disappoint MYSELF - why shouldn’t I expect to disappoint you too?  Again, it is exhausting to the point of pathological tiredness to try to avoid disappointing others.  Think about all the different competing expectations we have.  Who are we going to decide to not disappoint?  

When my mother was dying, my daughter was giving birth to her first child and our first grandchild.  My mother was dying in Atlanta and my daughter was bringing new life into the world four states away.  Joy and anguish both filled my heart.  I had to make a decision that no daughter or mom should have to make - stay in Atlanta, where I had driven at breakneck speed upon hearing of my mom’s collapse?  Or drive back home to be present when my grandson made his arrival?  I chose to go where my presence legitimately mattered - to my daughter’s side, where she needed me.  I was a HUGE disappointment to some in my family; I was a blessing to others.  Who dares to decide the rightness of my choice?  I cannot judge it and do not try.  I did what I thought my mother would have wanted and what I absolutely knew my daughter needed.  I suspect that if I had remained in the crowded house with plenty of others on hand to serve her last needs, mom might still be fussing at me from the other side of eternity for failing my daughter in her hour of need.

I am at peace with my choices BUT it requires me to discipline myself to do what my kid is practicing - give up on being liked and stop chasing after the approval of others.  How about you?  Are you ready to lay down the heavy and loathsome burden of people pleasing?  Are you ready to take responsibility for doing what your core values indicate is pleasing, regardless of the response of others?