A Husband…

"Success at the highest level comes down to one question: Can you decide that your happiness can come from someone else's success?"

Bill Walton

My greatest influencer has been my husband. He has seen me at my worst and stayed. He has enormous amounts of patience and the capacity to play with our children and grandchildren for endless hours no matter what else is vying for his attention. He's the kind of guy that includes people and collaborates. He's the one to call when our health insurance company accidentally canceled all our various family member's insurance policies. He's patient and has a natural ability to listen to customer service representatives as they explain to him why they cannot help him and yet, eventually do.

He has a natural capacity to really listen to people and help solve problems so that organizations and teams he supports have a better chance of achieving their goals. I have other influencers in my life with this uncanny ability to support the dreams of others - they are pretty magical people. I have a dear friend and daughter who also exude this willingness to sacrifice over and over for those they love. Truly, these folks are willing to go to great lengths without receiving credit for their efforts so long as their efforts improve the condition of those they serve.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Not So Fast!

Technically we are still in the season of Easter and I continue to be obsessed with thoughts about both Christ's crucifixion and his resurrection. What does it all me for us, today? I know what I have heard; I continue to read and reread the scriptures....but what does it mean right now for me as an individual and our community? What difference does it make, what beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions does it change for us today in real time?

As far as I can tell, John 12 is the most thorough recounting of what Jesus had to say about his own death. It also gives us a glimpse into the thought life of Judas - which has resulted in endless speculation over the years since. You'll remember that in the beginning of the chapter Lazarus (recently raised from the dead) and his sisters had Jesus over for dinner in their home. Martha served. Mary came in and anointed and massaged Jesus' feet with a pricey jar of aromatic oils - and Judas complained about the expenditure, suggesting that this money would have been better spent on the poor.

John does not leave us to wonder about the motivations of Judas because he adds, "He (meaning Judas) said this not because he cared two cents about the poor but because he was a thief. He was in charge of their common funds, but also embezzled them." (John 12:6, The Message). This clears up any confusion we might have about the motivations of Judas!

Jesus rebukes Judas and explains Mary's actions like this: "Let her alone. She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial. You will always have the poor with you. You don't always have me." Ouch. Again, John 12:7-8, The Message

Here is what we know: Jesus is not clueless. He understands what is about to go down. "She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial." He is also capable of prioritizing values within the framework of context. Jesus time and again teaches us to care for the marginalized, the neglected, the downtrodden, the imprisoned. And. He continues to need to guide his disciples and those who love him into the light. Jesus is not 'cause' driven so much as he is committed to his relationship with God, his father. And. He has choices.

He could choose to consider his own impact so vital that he does what it takes to hold onto his life and public ministry OR he could continue to remain faithful to the message his father asked him to deliver. We know what he chose.

I personally love that God breathes life into dry, dead bones. But this harder truth is still true - God also asks us to sacrifice, lay down our life for a friend, take the road less traveled. In a world that increasingly values individualism and loving those who agree with us, how can we ignore the road Jesus chose? He suffered. He suffered for people who were not willing to join him in suffering. Lazarus, who kept dipping his fingers into the offering plate. The crowd who chose to crucify Christ over the thief; his followers who shrunk back in fear once Jesus' fate became apparent. Peter, who for all his bravado ultimately denied Jesus three times. This is not who "they" are, this is who "we" are.

What's our next move?

Disillusioned

Anyone who knows me understands that as of late, I have questioned my purpose for living. I have asked my husband and children, "Did I ruin our lives when I agreed to leave our cozy nest at 'big church' and strike out on this pilot project in 1999 that is still chugging along in 2021?" No one has exactly given me a ringing endorsement that no, indeed not, I did not ruin our lives. Instead, they have hugged me and allowed me to process my own grief and suffering with a lot of support. And peanut butter.

As usual, the scriptures find a way to sit with me.

When John heard in prison what the Messiah was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Matthew 11:2 NIV

John the Baptist, the guy who foretold the coming of Christ and preached repentance with vim and vigor, wants to know what the heck is going on here. He's in prison NOT for following his call to declare the coming of the Lord. He's locked up because he condemned Herod for marrying his brother's wife. Soon John's head will roll, quite literally, because a wicked mother encouraged her daughter to ask for his head on a platter FOR HER BIRTHDAY! Sheesh. Jesus is NOT doing what John expected the Messiah to accomplish.

Jesus was SUPPOSED to end political oppression. Jesus was SUPPOSED to bring in a new ruler and a new authority. Jesus was SUPPOSED to clean up the corruption and get rid of the bad guys.

Last night Pete and I were out walking and I was reviewing my expectations for the last 22 years of my life. Early on, I would end most messages with a rousing, "We can do this!" Until I learned we could not. It seemed so...simple and clear to me back then and in some ways I see it the same today. IF we could pull together and commit to sacrificing for the greater good, we COULD make a difference. We COULD provide resources for suffering families. And - we can and we do. But it is not at all like I expected.

I want treatment to work and I want people to want to work at getting healed. I do. And treatment does work - sometimes. And people are able to manage their use disorders - more often than we hear about on social media. But I want it all NOW. No more deaths by suicide; no more overdoses; no more families ripped apart. Surely Jesus, who talks more about love than sin, who hangs out with my kind of people, who performs miracles and just all around GETS IT - wants the same thing?

Here's what we end up with. We end up with a God who supports us while we find our own answers. We get a God who allows us the privilege of living with the consequences of our actions. We end up with a God who holds us in his big hand when we wonder if we have ruined our life without feeling the need to offer false comfort.

Man, this faith stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was when I used to sing, totally off-key, "Trust and obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey." Tomorrow, we'll consider why this is not bad news. Stay tuned.

The Blessings of Obedience

I want to say a dirty word…ready? Obedience.

Who likes to hear that? I hang out with people predisposed to saying “No!” when a “Yes” would have served them better. For some reason, I’m attracted to people who like to color outside the lines, break rules, and generally mess with authority figures. I’m not saying this is good or godly, but it is what it is.

Most folks who know my husband today like him better than they like me. It’s true. He’s quiet and kind and funny - and that ability to be quiet in sticky situations makes him seem smart. (OK, he is legit smart.) But I have to confess, I fell in love with him because, having known him for 50 years (gasp), I know he likes to color outside the lines, break rules and generally mess with authority figures that he feels are knuckleheads. For an introvert, the guy certainly could distract a teacher with his antics in our youth. One of our favorite stories about Pete happened soon after he arrived at our school as a transfer from Maine. We had a cool math teacher that we loved and Pete was in a small computer class taught by this same guy. Filled with guys, this small group was known to push the envelope and enjoyed bantering with their teacher. One day Mr. Crane had enough. “The next person that curses in this room gets a demerit!”

“Why the h-e-double hockey sticks do you want to do that?” answered my future husband. Pete had some explaining to do when that demerit notice showed up in the mail. (To fully appreciate this story, you have to know that this man never ever curses, and often chides the rest of us for what he perceives to be “loose lips.”) I suppose that’s why, years later, Pete couldn’t say but so much when our son brought home a note on his report card that said, “Could you please talk to Michael about not distracting me in class? He gets me laughing and this gets the entire class off track!” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! Pete and I put on our serious parental unit faces and spoke to Michael about the need to behave in class. It was hard, but we did it. Afterwards, I realized that it shouldn’t have been hard to tell our son this important truth.

Obedience may sound like a dirty word to those predisposed to wanting our own way, but it isn’t. It’s a beautiful word. The discipline of obedience brings with it all sorts of blessings. Disobedience may get us a few chuckles, but it probably won’t build character. Obedience isn’t something we do to avoid punishment; it’s a skill set we develop so that we might become people of character. There are limits to obedience, however. When we are asked to obey someone or something that stands in opposition to the God of our understanding, we do not obey. We resist. But cussing in class does not count as civil disobedience in deference to a higher call.

To obey is better than sacrifice…The holidays are wrapping up, and a new year filled with potential beckons. Is there anything related to “obedience” that you’ve been resisting? Is it holding you back from bigger and better things?

Successful Sacrifice

Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.  

Braving The Wilderness, p. 45

Yesterday I talked about ‘recognizing” as a spiritual practice and used the example of my marriage.  This has not been easy. Reciprocity is a ton harder than contracts and negotiated settlements. It requires conflict and candor and sacrifice.  But it is a function of success on a spiritual scale. And it can result in a ton of #2. CELEBRATING. Over time we improved our communication, conflict resolution, and perspective on “winning as one.”  Mostly competition has slipped away - except when we play board games. This is requiring continued deep spiritual practice and we are not there yet!!

But not a day goes by that we do not  find opportunity to celebrate our connection - with each other, with our children, our grandchildren, our extended family and our community.  I think our marriage helped us learn how to apply these principles in other relationships (some are much harder to figure out than others).

A few years ago I began to notice how one of my parents began to praise unceasingly one of my brothers and either implicitly or explicitly compare with a critical eye the rest of us to him.  This was not new behavior, but it was a shift in the “who” and it came at a time when we were under duress dealing with my mom’s dementia. Living with the “when you win I win” philosophy, I was able to “see” this situation with a bit more clarity than if I had been still in that old mode of competing for love and attention.

It was still annoying.  For most of my life I called my mom multiple times a day.  Every time I got in the car I would call and chat with her.  I know - excessive. Back in the day when we paid for long distance service Pete used to beg me to “cut back” - I never did.  I wanted to talk to my mom and she never lived nearby. Can I tell you how annoying it was when the story in the family became the glowing reports that my brother called every day on his way home from work and the rest of us damn kids never bothered to call or visit?  It was aggravating on the surface of things. But underneath and around and above the chitter chatter and clamor was this one true thing - we were all winning. My mom was getting human contact. We didn’t need to compete for credit. And what a valuable truth that was because I was not going to get an ounce of credit.  Since credit didn’t matter, it did not impact my behavior. I still called; I still visited; I was free to think and plan and do what I believed was the most loving way for me to act on my love for my mom. My marriage taught me this. Brene is explaining why it works. Even though it comes with petty annoyances at times.  How can you find big wins in your sometimes challenging relationships? Where can you celebrate?