Safety From Stressors

Stressors, whether external or internal, are the things in our life that activate a stress response in our body because our body interprets them as threats. After two hurricanes collectively wiped out over 30 trees in our yard, causing a lot of expensive damage both times, Pete and I view trees as stressors when the wind blows or storms arise. We don't choose this. We read The Giving Tree to our children! We understand that trees are lovely things that provide shade, love one another, and help oxygenate our environment. We KNOW this but our bodies KNOW other things - like how scary it is to hear them crashing around us in the middle of a dark night with no light source to help us see what's happening.

Stress is what happens in our bodies when we encounter one of these threats. It's part of our survival system. Epinephrine takes charge and sends blood rushing to our muscles in case we have to fight or flee. Glucocorticoids provide us energy to persevere. Our muscles tense, our sensitivity to pain diminishes, our body becomes fully alert; we focus on the threat and forego all distractions. We forget that we are mammals but fortunately our body remembers. We have a body that helps us fight for survival.

The only way to complete this stress cycle is to fall victim to the stressor or survive. But this cycle is only completed if the conclusion makes sense. Here is an important key piece of information: we must do something that informs our body that the threat has been removed. We need a signal that indicates we are safe.

Do you have any chronic stressors that you cope with but have not found a way to find safety from?

A Problem Solver…

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."

Mark Twain

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Shari R. Barr

I don't think I'm much of an influencer, but, if being practical and solving problems is helpful - I'm your girl. I can find a problem when no one else is even looking - which can be anxiety producing. Others might not understand how I work, it might be hard to notice that my fear does not arise from the problem but more often from the belief that others are not paying attention to the problems that will arise as a result of ignoring important realities. I am also decent at problem solving, keeping the people I love safe and being predictable. Need action and adventure? Keep looking. But if you appreciate loyalty and steady commitment from a person, I'm you gal.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Observe Yourself…

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."

Zora Neal Hurston

Lately there has been a lot of discussion about the current state of Christianity in our country. Christianity Today is doing a series of podcasts on the debacle of Mark Driscoll and his leadership style as a pastor. It's called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill." Don't know him? Here's another example we are all familiar with: the politicizing of evangelical America. Whether or not you are on board with it, many people have many opinions. And then there is that time Jerry Falwell Jr. encouraged students to arm themselves on the campus of a Christian college and quoted scripture (out of complete context) to support his position (which is the mildest example I could think of with him).

These are all very upsetting examples - either because we think they are examples of holiness and the way Christians are getting a bad rap, or because these examples do not sit well with our own perspective on spirituality.

Here is something I think we can agree on: because we bear the image of God (the Bible says so), people ought to be able, at least in theory, to see a bit of the character of God when they experience us. And for sure, love is such a defining characteristic of God, it only makes sense that we would be loving humans.

So try this: Observe yourself. Are you the kind of person that loves so well that people feel safe with you? Do they crawl out from behind their defenses and shields and armor of protection and share their authentic, vulnerable selves with you? I am not talking about being NICE. I'm talking about bearing the image of God! I am thinking about the capacity for treating everyone with respect and positive regard. There is room within this way of seeing for loving confrontation and accountability. There is room for wisdom and discernment.

This is worth thinking about and is far more useful than bantering about our opinions on the Mark Driscolls of the world.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.

May, the Month I Mourn

Soon my body will begin to grieve. We are about to enter into the season of Grayson Owen's (a beloved family friend) birthday and soon after, his untimely death. My body always remembers this no matter how many decades pass. In many ways, Grayson's accidental death was the death of my own spiritual illusions.

Growing up in a family that flaunted rules, I took a different path - the one less traveled. I thought if you followed the rules, played it safe, loved Jesus, and returned your cart to the appropriately designated area when leaving stories, nothing too terrible would happen.

I was wrong.

After the loss of Grayson I was busy feeling helpless. Have you ever noticed how many people tell you the wrong ways to support grieving people? But NO ONE tells you how to do it "right". Of course, I'm old and now I know better: there is no right way to support people in grief. No matter what you do, it is not enough nor should it be. Because there is nothing this side of heaven that fully comforts a family and community who have lost one so dear, one so precious as a son, a friend, a beloved mischievous boy with beautiful brown eyes and gorgeous shiny hair.

But life continued. My kids still required food on the table. So off to Sam's Club I go. It's warm out, early July is my best guess. And it hits me as a trudge to the car with my cart full of food and several useless items that were too good a deal to pass up. Not the grief of his parents, or his brothers, or my daughter. Not the grief of his grandparents or friends. My grief.

So I unload those groceries and trinkets into the back of my mini-van, a vehicle that was accustomed to toting this young man to and fro on adventures with the surviving musketeers, and I DO NOT RETURN THE DAMN CART. I just leave it sitting in the middle of the parking lot.

Because I learned my lesson. Parents can do the best they can and still lose their kids. People can be and do good and none of it is protection from pain.

It is a great con, an attractive one, but a con nonetheless to teach people that if we are very, very good God will protect us from suffering. The worst rebuke Jesus ever offers is when the disciple Peter dares to object to the predicted suffering and death of Christ. Preach him crucified.

We have an opportunity, this Easter season, if we sit with the crucifixion long enough, to realize that what scares us the most is not cured by magical thinking. But if we let it, the resurrection can bring us hope. Not a hokey hope, not wishful thinking, something different.

What do you fear so much that you are willing to buy snake oil to cure it?