What to do with Contempt: Part I

From yesterday:  So, we must ask, does our contempt serve us well moving forward?  Will it allow us any kind of quality of life?

I humbly suggest it does not and will not serve us well.

What do we do with our contempt, then?  What is the alternative and how do we find it?  

As I said, we must start with processing and learning to cope with the various causes of our contempt.  I’d suggest we spend time with a skilled therapist and, perhaps, a trusted spiritual advisor. Other options would include finding an issue-specific support group.  This recommendation sounds simple and obvious, but becoming willing to do this, and then follow through, is something few people do. Making a conscious choice to confront our wounds proves a major hurdle and most people are unwilling to do it.  

Confronting the wound is our way of fighting back.  It’s our attempt not to be defined by the worst things that have happened to us.  It’s an effort to trust that life can have meaning in the midst of a darkness that feels so profoundly meaningless.  

Of course, we’re trusting God to guide us in this process.

Life isn't fair, but knowing that doesn't help

From yesterday:  When we become bogged down or defined by our contempt we’re suggesting that we believe fairness was, at some point, a possibility.  We’re believing a very tempting lie. When we become defined by our contempt (that life has not been fair) then we’re not living in reality.

The solution is not so simple as just becoming mentally stronger or more stoic or through having more self-will or some such thing as this.  And, I’m not suggesting that it is easy to cope with the curve balls life has thrown. It can be, and often is, truly devastating. We need to sit with that disappointment, it does us no good to say, “We should have known better.”  

Understanding life’s unfairness is not the same thing as suggesting it does not matter or that we should suck it up.  It must be dealt with. That can take a long time. Hell, it can take a lifetime.

I do not know if there is such a thing as a “solution”- but I do have a thought.  We need to consider the fact that we still have a life ahead of us- even if we feel horribly broken and ill-equipped to face it.  

Because we have a life ahead of us, we should consider whether or not we have any influence over what it looks like.  Granted, there are always things we can control and things we can’t control. Life sometimes continues to throw curve balls while we desperately hope for a change-up to give us a bit of a break.  

So, we must ask, does our contempt serve us well moving forward?  Will it allow us any kind of quality of life?

I humbly suggest it does not and will not serve us well.  The question is, what do we do about it?

More tomorrow.

Contempt and Acceptance

Contempt is closely related to our inability to accept life as it is.  We become contemptuous when we believe someone should not have harmed us in the way that they did (or perhaps not harmed us at all).  It’s the product of believing life has somehow screwed us, or handed us a raw deal.

To be clear- life does sometimes screw us, and I know plenty of people who have gotten a raw deal.  The problem is, we know life is not fair. I can’t think of a single person I know who would disagree.  If life is not fair, then we should not expect life to treat us fairly. When we become bogged down or defined by our contempt we’re suggesting that we believe fairness was, at some point, a possibility.  We’re believing a very tempting lie. When we become defined by our contempt (that life has not been fair) then we’re not living in reality.

More on this tomorrow.

Failure can be a success

It's important to not always be "successful" in life, at least in the traditional sense.  Failure to be traditionally successful can, in fact, foster the kind of growth that allows us to be softer, gentler, kinder, more empathetic and well-rounded people.  It can be the spark that allows us to pursue a life of greater meaning, one defined by our call to point towards God's gifts of mercy, grace, forgiveness, love, etc.

These failures may not help our ego.  They may not help our status, our prestige, or our wealth.  They may not give us stories to tell at parties. But they may help us become people.  What greater calling can we have than to become a person?  Specifically, a person whose life somehow, in some small ways, demonstrates God's values or character?

I may die with all the prestige in the world, but if my loved ones gather before the funeral and talk about what an asshole I was...what good was my broader reputation?

Success as Mercy

I don't think we spend enough time asking ourselves questions.  So often we're out of balance simply because we haven't taken the time to deeply reflect.  Use these questions today as a guide in re-thinking success and the role it has played in your life.

Do you live as if you value what you say you value?  Do you prioritize it?

Consider "the kingdom."  The kingdom of God is the new reality God is bringing to earth, a reality that perfectly represents God's will for creation.  It is defined by mercy, grace, forgiveness, and self-sacrificial love. It is a place where all are valued and have status. It is our call to point to this reality.

Do you consider whether or not you demonstrate mercy, or grace, or forgiveness, or self-sacrifice love?  Do you consider whether or not these are defining traits in your life, and in your community's life? Are you attempting to move in this direction, however imperfectly we may do so?

Do you consider whether or not you display these attitudes at work?  At home? With friends? With family? When you fall short, do you strive to right that wrong?

If so, you are successful.