Weekly Blog
Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom
God is (slowly) making things "right"
Acceptance element #4: The willingness to trust that, on the aggregate, God steers creation in a hopeful direction
We know that God works all things together for good for the ones who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose.
~Romans 8:28, CEB
People often point to this verse as a way of saying that things that are bad only seem bad and that, one day, we'll understand better because all things are actually good once you have time, distance, and perspective.
That isn’t actually what’s being said, if we pay attention to context. As short as I can be, Paul is telling his readers that, though their current circumstances have caused them to despair, their ultimate hope is in a God who, through his spirit, works through creation to bring about his good purposes. He is speaking on a very wide scale here. God’s plan, what he intends to accomplish in his creation, is ultimately for the good and will be of most benefit to his followers. Paul is not talking here about lost pregnancies or children with substance use disorder, or any specific tragedy that a person may undergo. He is simply highlighting the fact, once again, that God is in the process of transforming creation and this will be undoubtedly good news for people like those in the Roman church who are suffering on account of their faith.
More on this tomorrow.
Resist the Alternate Universe
Acceptance Element #3: The willingness to resist idealizing alternative ways in which life “might” have gone
If I could give the parents I talk to on behalf of my work a gift, I would give them the gift of being unable to fantasize about their child’s future. I know, I know parents can’t help it. I’ll learn this very soon myself. But parents so often talk to Teresa/mom and myself about how their child’s substance use disorder is such a shame and how they just know their child would be a doctor, lawyer, programmer, or whatever if they had just not gone down that particular path.
There is so much grief over what might have been. Believe me, I know it is not easy to see your child struggle and to wish things had gone differently. That is natural, normal, and probably healthy to an extent. But, it can also become an unhealthy obsession that prevents a parent from seeing and interacting with their child as that person really is.
I think that considering negative realistic alternatives for our lives can be incredibly useful. Considering the ways in which things could have been worse has the potential to push us ever so slightly in the direction of gratitude in the midst of turmoil. Considering the ways in which things “should” be better, as we often do, does not serve us particularly well. It opens us up to additional resentment and contempt and distracts us from whatever work is actually in front of us, today, in real time, in our real lives.
There is no alternative universe where things went perfectly well. There is only the life we have. Let’s focus our attention on what is lest we miss opportunities to love and care for the people and world around us. In so doing, we find a piece of acceptance.
Tolerating Tragedy: Part II
Element of acceptance #2: The willingness to tolerate tragedy (in both a global and personal sense) without trying to pinpoint its source
Can I believe that God loves me even when it seems that we’re not going to get something that we desperately want (and something that is legitimately good, at that!)? That is the challenge. Brittany and I have had to wrestle deeply with this question over the past few years.
So often people try to take this a few steps further, saying things like: God has something better in mind. God isn’t giving you things because of your sin. God has his own timing and he’s teaching you patience. God’s withholding something from you so that your testimony will be better later.
I don’t particularly care for any of those explanations because they’re all suggesting the same thing: Things happen because God is either 1. Rewarding us 2. Punishing us or 3. Teaching us (and the “teaching” in this case usually involves some kind of withholding that feels an awful lot like punishment). The book of Job strikes down all three of these possibilities, but they still circulate widely because us humans are silly dumb-dumb’s who take a while to learn difficult things.
Faith, we falsely believe, should give us a framework for understanding. It simply does not and cannot do that because faith is not primarily about us. Faith is about God. Explanations are about our anxiety, not about God’s activity. Acceptance demands that we go beyond pat answers. It asks us to consider that tragedy happens in the world, and it happens often, and it may have nothing to do with our sin and it may have nothing to do with God’s desire to punish, reward, or teach. Sometimes it just happens because the world is a chaotic kind of place to live.
We do not know the source of tragedy. We can tolerate the fact that tragedy happens without trying to pretend that tragedy is already redeemed. There’s plenty of redemption ahead. Not all of it is here just yet. Tolerating tragedy means living in tension. Sometimes, that’s just what we’re called to do.
Tolerating Tragedy
Element of acceptance #2: The willingness to tolerate tragedy (in both a global and personal sense) without trying to pinpoint its source
Once we got the news about Brittany’s health, we had basically two options: try to adopt, or accept life as non-parents. We knew there was a good chance we would not be able to fundraise the money for adoption and, if that happened, we would have to orient ourselves to a completely different vision of our future together. We did not want to live as a childless couple. But, we understood, life does not often give you what you want.
As people of faith, there are complicated questions that arise as a result of being confronted with that painful reality: Does God love me? Does God care how I experience my own life? Does God truly provide for his people? Why is this happening?
Now, the temptation in hindsight is to say, “Of course he does! Look how he provided for you and made you parents!” Yes, he did, that is true. However, it is also true that there are plenty of people in this world who love God, and want to become parents, who do not become parents. Do we think God does not love them and did not provide for them?
I personally do not believe that. I believe God’s love for us is steadfast and present regardless of whether or not Brittany and I became parents. It is not easy for me to believe that. It is not some kind of unwavering confidence. It is shaky and filled with doubt. Yet, this is my attempt to tolerate tragedy without pinpointing its source. What I mean is, I’m intentionally trying not to try to figure out why this happened.
More on this tomorrow.
Living within the constraints: Part II
Element of acceptance #1: The willingness to live within the boundaries of life’s natural constraints
Get caught up by clicking here
Brittany’s body has constraints that suggested to us adoption was the path towards parenthood. However, we have, as everyone does, financial constraints. Should those constraints prove too large, our new constraint would be life without children.
We weren’t happy about these constraints. We’re still not, in fact. We’re taking advantage of the resources we have available to us to process our various losses, including the loss of the way in which we thought life would go. Yet, when the going got tough we were lucky enough to have people around us who were able to guide us into making decisions based on the constraints we have. They did not encourage us to make decisions based on a denial of the constraints.
This was the first step in our journey towards acceptance, and I believe the first step in the journey for everyone struggling with new constraints. We see the constraints and we respond accordingly. We don’t pretend they aren’t there by continuing to sacrifice Brittany’s present and future physical well-being. We try to find a strategy that worked within the options available to us.
Sometimes, that is the best we can do in life. We recognize that we have limited options available and we choose from within those options. If we don’t do that, we’re either living in fantasy or setting ourselves up for even more disappointment.
And, sometimes, having constraints pushes us towards creative and satisfying solutions we would not have otherwise considered. I had not previously considered adoption and, as much as our losses hurt, I couldn’t be happier to be Norah’s dad.