Forgiveness: Insiders and Outsiders

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17, NRSV

Is removing yourself from a relationship the same thing as demanding repayment?

In short, no, but it depends on the circumstances. The conversation about demanding repayment was all about what we do in relationships where we desire to maintain (or restore) some level of intimacy. These are "in community" relationships where both parties are trying to remain in community with each other. If, for instance, you're trying to remain in a marriage where a great harm has taken place, and you're trying to forgive, then it's important to pay attention to the ways in which you're emotionally withholding (or emotionally aggressive).

Now, let's say we're trying to stay in community, we do everything we can to avoid demanding repayment, and we see no remorse or change of behavior from the other person. I'm talking true remorse here- not lip service. Then, even though we're dealing with what once was an in-community relationship, it becomes an outside the community relationship because the terms of intimacy are damaged (not because we have been bad at forgiving!). Not only are the terms of intimacy damaged, but they're left to rot. No repair has taken place. This person becomes like a Gentile (see verse 17 above)- relationship is severed. You haven't chosen to make this person an outsider, they have chosen to live as an outsider. It is the voice of shame that makes us feel responsible for this. Resist it.

More tomorrow.

Forgiveness with people outside of the "hut"

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17, NRSV

I would suggest that, when dealing with forgiveness outside of community, our ideal is practice the same principles as within the community. That is the ideal. We strive to be willing to forgive and to offer forgiveness as much as we can and as often as we can. However, there are times where we are pushed beyond what is reasonable.

In the verses above, Jesus himself recognizes these limits even in community. If a community member is completely non-repentant and non-communicative then he acknowledges that this person becomes like a Gentile or a tax collector. In other words, this person becomes an outsider to you. This is a way of saying the relationship is severed.

When it comes forgiveness with people who are not part of our community, then this conversation about Gentiles and tax collectors is essentially our starting point. Now, to be clear, our desire is to be as gracious, forgiving, and merciful to outsiders as we would be to anyone else. But, we're not talking about everyday life here. We're talking about how to process extreme harm.

In short, here's what I'm saying: When someone who is not part of our "hut" causes us great harm, there is nothing wrong with removing yourself from that relationship. I know this is a little confusing based on our conversation about demanding repayment for the debt, so stay tuned.

More on this tomorrow.

Learning from your confrontations

Confrontation teaches us what we need to know

If you do have a conversation with the wrongdoer, it may help you figure out what forgiveness looks like. Remember, we're (roughly) deciding between two options: action (treating the wrongdoer as if no wrong has occurred) and inaction (refusing to retaliate).

We must ask ourselves, “What does forgiveness look like?" both before and after our confrontation. The conversation may go well or it may go poorly. Either way, it will give us "data" on the wrongdoer. Are they repentant? Are they willing to own the problem? Where are they? This will inform our response moving forward. Do we create distance and refuse retaliation? Do we engage and treat them as if no wrong as occurred (this is, essentially, giving the offender a gift)?

Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing process, it does not have a definitive end. These conversations where we address the problem may be the very thing that tell us what forgiveness looks like in these specific circumstances.

Discernment will be key.

Confronting Wrongdoers

When do we address harm head-on?

When do we confront "wrongdoers"?  

Based on our conversation about the limits of forgiveness, addressing the harm with the wrongdoer is something that happens in an “in community” kind of relationship.  Or, I suppose, a relationship that generally has proven itself safe to do so.  There are harms that may be addressed with people who aren’t part of our “hut” but who are mature, confident, reasonable, rational adults capable of sitting through a difficult conversation without creating any additional harm.  These are the types of situations where it is appropriate to address the harm head-on.  

Outside of these, use your best discernment and rely on your closest confidants for wisdom.  

Further limitations on Forgiveness

3 Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. 4 And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive.”

Luke 17:3-4, NRSV

I think that Jesus’ point, from the verses used in the past two days, is to live as a person ready and willing to forgive. Does that (or can that) happen under any and all circumstances? Of course not. But it is my opinion that we’re being pointed towards a disposition (readiness to forgive) rather than a strict formula (rebuke -> repentance -> forgiveness). We would be missing the point to treat this as a formula or to analyze the exact number of times we are obligated to offer forgiveness. Jesus’ goal is for his disciples to become forgiving types of people. It is assumed that forgiveness is the regular, daily fare of God’s followers and it is that mentality we chase.

Keep in mind, though, that we’ve been given at least two potential boundaries here: 1. community and 2. repentance. And, to be even more limiting, the repentance, in this context, refers to an “in community” person being the one doing the repenting. It does not say you’re obligated to forgive any repenter whatsoever. We are trying to become forgiving types of people, of course, and I believe the willingness to forgive can potentially apply to anyone. But, when it comes to life’s biggest hurts, we tend to be dealing with “outsiders” who are unrepentant. This can stretch us beyond what we can bear and, in so doing, may make forgiveness extremely difficult, if not impossible. There is no need to shame ourselves for that as those situations are simply not being covered by Jesus’ instruction here.

What do we do with those scenarios? Stay tuned- we'll address that in a future day.