The Character Assassination Station

What determines a person’s character? Have you ever thought about that?

It’s not uncommon for people to use the word “always” in the midst of conflict. You always do ___. Or, let’s say a person is caught in a lie, we may call that person a liar. These are judgments about character. So, what determine’s a person’s character?

To be clear, I’m not talking about your character, I’m talking about our perception of someone else’s character. How do we determine the nature of another person’s character? And, once we’ve done that, are we able to treat them as if that is their character?

This is what we’re going to be talking about over the next few days. So often, when we’re in conflict, we resort to character judgments that may not necessarily reflect the character a person has proven to have over the history of a given relationship. When someone does something we don’t like, it’s easiest, and most temporarily satisfying, to character assassinate. What might it look like to rise above that?

Joy and Belonging

The last thing I’ll say on joy is this: you’ll find it where you find acceptance and total belonging. You’ll find it where you find grace, mercy, forgiveness, and peace.

In the Western world, we live an increasingly isolated existence where our primary sources of connection are digital (social media) and we think of television personalities as the mouthpieces for our views- for the real “truth.” We don’t find belonging on Reddit, or in the comments sections of Facebook posts or news outlets. These things do not connect us- they isolate us. We will find no joy without belonging.

So, find a place to belong. Truly belong. Find a place where the people, when you expose a dark piece of yourself, do not react. A place where people do not tear you down but build you up. A place where you are not rejected because you haven’t grown fast enough or, even better, where you are not rejected because you’ve gotten worse! Sometimes we will get worse- and we need a place that allows us to belong even then.

There is no joy where there is no belonging. All of the rest of the posts this month are moot if you do not belong.

Find a place to belong and you will discover joy.

Faithfulness and Joy

Practicing the act of living out of our certain way of seeing creates joy. There is a certain indescribable, but good, sensation that results from staying dedicated to our core values, particularly when it would have been easy enough to do the opposite.

I went to Target one night about a year ago to purchase some supplies for our new baby and to buy a blu-ray copy of Phantom Thread. Brittany and I were in the middle of seeing Phantom Thread in the theatre when we got the call about Norah’s arrival into the world and our viewing experience got cut short. In my sleep deprived state, I thought it was a Tuesday night (it was a Monday). This is significant because movies are released on Tuesdays so, technically, it should not have been available until the next day. Anyway, I went to movie section and found a single copy of Phantom Thread- it did not strike me as odd. I took it up to the register and scanned everything in and noticed that the total was a bit less than I was expecting. I paid, got my receipt, and walked out. When I sat down in my car, I noticed that I had not been charged for the movie. Here’s what happened. That copy was put on the shelves by mistake and the store’s database was not setup to sell that item until the next day, so when I scanned it in at the register it simply did not recognize it. You could look at this one of two ways. One: the store made a mistake and I benefitted with a “free” movie. Two, I unintentionally stole something.

I thought about this while driving home. Target is a large company. Mistakes like this happen all the time. They’ll never “feel” the consequences of this error, they’ll never notice it, and they probably won’t even care if I try to rectify it. It’s okay, view it was a gift.

But I couldn’t view it as a gift, primarily because it wasn’t a gift. Nobody intended for me to have it. And, as a person of faith, I’m called to model God’s love in all I do. Part of love is fairness, living up to one’s word and agreements.

Now, it felt really good not to have to spend $30 I was expecting to spend. We need that $30 whether it’s for food or for supplies for our little girl. That isn’t a throwaway amount of money for us. All the more reason to take the gift, right?

Again, no. If we can’t afford to spend $30 on a movie then we shouldn’t buy the movie. It is not an excuse to steal (whether intentional or otherwise, whether it’s a victimless crime or not). So, I went back the next day, carried the movie in with me, explained the situation to customer service, and paid for the movie. They treated me like I was insane.

I walked out happy. Why? Because for once in my life, damn it, I knew I acted as the person I’m called to be.

That’s joy.

Impractical suggestions for joy

The past few days I’ve given you the most obvious, yet most practical, lifestyle changes that create possibilities for joy and flourishing in our lives. Does this mean I’ve earned a few days where I can talk about impractical matters? I hope so!

In addition to caring for ourselves physically, we need some kind of spiritual exercise in our lives to ground us in our way of seeing and we need concrete ways to display our spirituality in the real world. These, too, open the door for joy.

Now, perhaps the terms “spiritual exercise” or “spiritual discipline” seem a bit too formal, maybe even unhelpful. Here’s what I mean by that: We need to find practices that excite us about the possibility of maintaining conscious contact with God and encourage us to practice these principles in all of our affairs. Find something you actually want to do! Of course, all practices turn into disciplines and they will not always excite us, or enliven us, or awaken us. There will be days where it will feel like work. The point is, you don’t have to start off with an exercise you dislike.

Some of the things I like that fill this hole in my life are: silence, playing music, spiritual reading (something that stimulates my mind a bit), and time in nature.

What are your favorites?

Where are you willing to start?

Let’s return to this question: Are you willing to make changes in order to create opportunities for joy?

It’s my opinion that we should start making changes where we’re willing to make changes. Sometimes we try to make changes that are so large that they aren’t sustainable simply because it’s too much change at once. Figure out where you’re willing to make some adjustments and start there.

Are you willing to make a gratitude journal? Start there. Are you willing to make the journal and meditate over your gratitude? Great. Do that. Are you willing to sleep more? Start there. Are you willing to change eating habits? Do it. Are you willing to change both sleeping and eating habits at the same time? That’s great but, if not, start where you can.

Be realistic about what you’re willing to do. That’s the bottom line. In the long run, that honesty will pay off.