Weekly Blog

Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom

Teresa McBean 2/8/18 Teresa McBean 2/8/18

Shame and Spiritual Abuse

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Last week I had a consulting gig at a church that had a recovery ministry blow up in grand fashion. Lack of leadership accountability, no small doses of codependency and maybe, perhaps, possibly a tiny bit of grandiose thinking and arrogance on the part of the church team that swooped in to clean up the debacle was stymying the work of restoration. And I haven’t even gotten to the part of what actually went down within the recovery ministry that caused the crash and burn!

As I sat around the table listening to the various perspectives represented - the church staff, the recovery ministry team, the church’s human resources department and its legal team, man, I just wanted a good cup of coffee and some headphones. It was brutal. Mostly the conversation focused on the religious beliefs of the congregation that they felt the recovery ministry leadership had disrespected. They were mad. While all this conversation swirled, the lead pastor, sitting on my left played on his ipad. I was a bit envious and wished I too could pull up my solitaire game. Sometimes it is hard to stay present for suffering.

As the contention gathered steam I felt like I had acquired an invisibility cloak and was stuck in the middle of a family drama. Folks forgot that they were their to share their story with my team; they were too busy picking each other off with their verbal long rifles. I opened up my bible and reminded myself of another time when a church had to deal with sexual immorality…

Everyone has heard that there is sexual immorality among you. This is a type of immorality that isn’t even heard of among the Gentiles - a man is having sex with his father’s wife! And you’re proud of yourselves instead of being so upset that the one who did this thing is expelled from your community. 1 Corinthians 5:1-2

Let’s talk banishment. To be continued….

Teresa McBean 2/7/18 Teresa McBean 2/7/18

Spiritual Food (A Prayer)

Early in my own recovery efforts I found a book that helped me pray when I had no breath for it. Root In God’s Love - Meditations on Biblical Texts for People in Recovery, by Dale and Juanita Ryan.

One of my favorite prayers is found on page 19, I share it with you with prayers that your journey provides you with nourishment and healing…

Nourish me, Lord.

Mourish me with your love.

Calm the frantic feelings within me.

Grow a sense of security within me.

I want to be able to sit quietly.

Like a weaned child.

Nourished.

Secure in your love.

Amen

And the passage of scripture associated with this inspired prayer?

I have stilled and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child with its mother,

Like a weaned child is

My soul within me.

Psalm 131:1-2

Go to www.nacr.org bookstore if you want to read more, which trust me, you do.

Teresa McBean 2/6/18 Teresa McBean 2/6/18

Sore (but still moving)

The next stage of change is action. It’s the step we are tempted to jump to when we are feeling all inspired and sincere. However, our adrenalin for change has a short attention span! Pre-contemplation, contemplation, and determination are necessary intermediary steps.

It’s in those steps where we can settle down and figure out what action best fits our desire for change. I did not start going to fit camp in order to improve my swimming skills. We don’t swim in fit camp. I don’t go to fit camp to become more zen-like, whatever that means. I go to fit camp to gain strength, stamina and flexibility. I chose fit camp after six months of illness left me weak and stiff. I contemplated, researched, and determined before I showed up that first Wednesday morning to get whipped into shape.

Action is often the stage that we get most excited about until we actually have to practice it. Frankly, I like the idea of being strong more than I like practicing my sumo deadlifts. But this is what change involves - doing things that don’t come natural. If they did, they probably wouldn’t be something we need to practice or gather a support system to encourage us.

I’ve learned from my instructor that meaningful change is more marathon than sprint. She isn’t happy if I come in complaining of being so sore I can hardly move. She prefers that we progress incrementally so that we don’t get sidetracked by injury or disheartened by discomfort. I appreciate the way she thinks.

I’ve noticed that people who have managed to make long term meaningful changes in their lives often practice slow, steady, consistent steps toward their goal. The folks that burst onto the scene like shining stars promising the moon to others often fail to launch. Today, what is one small sustainable change step you can take?

Teresa McBean 2/5/18 Teresa McBean 2/5/18

Eventually we have to DO something!

Over lunch during the holidays my adult children were discussing a philosopher’s perspective on options. I was too busy chasing around a 15 month old to hear all the details but evidently there is a philosopher who has posited that limited choices are better for us than feeling like we can do anything we want just because we want it. It seems too many options freeze us from actually acting on them AND they increase anxiety (Note from the editor: We were discussing Jean-Paul Sartre- here's a fun Youtube video that talks about what we were talking about: Click here to view).

Pro's and con's were bantered about but I think the philosopher was onto something. At the pre-contemplation and contemplation stages of change the sky is kind of the limit. Daydreaming is encouraged. Pursue all options! But once we move into the stage of determination, choices must be made in order to move forward into the action stage of change.

A couple times a week I attend an hour long killer fit camp where my favorite instructor in all the world demands in a nice tone that I do things that I am pretty sure will kill me. It turns out she is better at assessing my abilities than I am. I’ve worked hard to be consistent in attendance, but I also have a life and that means I am not there 100% of the time.

But if I am going to survive, even thrive, in my training - I have to *&%(^%$ show up! My trainer, my training team...no one can do the one thing that I must do: show up. I do not have to show up with enthusiasm or happy thoughts. I can show up sore and tired and cranky but show up I must. I am blessed with an instructor who does not shame us when we show up 80% of the time because she understands how change works and shame is NEVER part of good change theory.

However, she has taught us that showing up consistently is kind of a requirement if we want the best of her. In other words, as good as she is, she cannot give us her best if we are not showing up to receive what she has to offer.

Here’s what I’ve learned from watching people and listening to mentors:

Show up. When we work on a team our presence counts not only for ourselves but others. Some things are ours to do, when we don’t do what is ours to do it might mean that someone else doesn’t get to do their thing.

For today - show up. Practicing showing up. See what happens.

Teresa McBean 2/4/18 Teresa McBean 2/4/18

Disappointing Sincerity

I have studied people all my life, not in a creepy way, but with a lot of curiosity and interest. As a result of wasting so much time people gazing, I have accrued a cache of information about people and myself. One thing I’ve learned about myself is how little I understand people!

When I was young, I used to think that sincerity was the key to an abundant life. It’s not. Sincerity has very little correlation with mastering change or receiving the gift of transformation. I learned this from working with guys from a treatment facility in our community. The newbies that come through the program show up after detox with the same wild variations in disposition and personality that the rest of the human population possesses. Some are sincere about getting sober, others are surly and resent the program. It is completely impossible to pick out which guys will run the distance and which ones will relapse.

Sincerity disappoints me more often than not.

But what has worked for people is this more elusive component of change called determination. Determination is a nice, sturdy word, but don’t let that fool you. A person can practice determination with as much creative expression as an artist.

There was this guy who started attending our church while in treatment. He was not peppy. He was pitiful. At 65 years of age he had not been sober in a sustained way since he was 10 years old. He had no expectations that the program would work, but it was winter and we were in the middle of a particularly cold spell and he was court ordered to attend a program and this was the only one he could afford (free). He didn’t like the 12-steps or the program director. He didn’t make friends easily and he was kind of a whiner. He was constantly living with consequences for misconduct. But he kept at it. Today he works a full-time job, owns a home, returns to the treatment facility to volunteer multiple times a week and has acquired a small but faithful bunch of buddies who encourage and support one another in sobriety. At a public speaking engagement recently he said, “I never even considered that I could one day not live under a bridge.” He was NOT determined to live a big dream or dare to be great - the world knocked all that out of him at an early age. But in desperation he followed instructions one day and then two and three until he had amassed a boat load of days - he determined to simply do what it took to stay in a building that also happened to have a recovery program experience. Determination. One step at a time. What do you need to determine to do?