Weekly Blog

Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom

Teresa McBean 3/6/18 Teresa McBean 3/6/18

Believing and Belonging

From an early age, I have been confused about the criteria for believing in order to belong to a faith community. My early exposure to faith was a mixed bag. My parents did not attend church or ever speak of spiritual matters. (Other than when my dad was cursing.) My maternal grandparents were Baptist through and through so I went to church with them during my summer visits. It was in their church that I learned what white grape juice and stale crackers tasted like, Jesus was a white man with a long light brown beard, heathens were not to be trusted but if you got baptized all was forgiven and you could belong (My grandfather was deathly afraid of water so he was an outsider for 30 years before he screwed up his courage after a heart attack and took the plunge. However, he panicked and flailed around which resulted in the pastor taking a plunge and the two men splashing around in that baptismal pool for quite awhile before choir members rushed to their rescue.), all other denominations were heathens especially the Catholics, you don’t go to church unless you are dressed to kill (that was confusing), baptists drink (often excessively) but not together, and... baptist pastors have this habit of running away with either the choir director, pianist or church secretary (there was a stretch when they were three for three in that department). I learned a lot of other lessons too, but who has the time to read all that?!? Anyway, all of this was going on with the backdrop of sermons that preached: behave. Behave. Behave. Like I said, it was confusing.

When my husband and I were newlyweds we joined a beautiful Southern Baptist church in our community and loved it. Our Sunday School teachers became spiritual parental units for us - loving and encouraging us and seeing potential in us that we didn’t even dare to dream might be true. They challenged us too. They taught us the scriptures and cast a vision for what it might mean to bear the image of God and take it with us in our daily lives. They sacrificed for us, serving our entire class Sunday lunches around their large farmhouse table made of pine and waxed until you could see your reflection in its surface so long as you moved aside the steaming plates of food and the baskets of Mama John’s yummy yeast rolls. We met on Thursday nights as families for bible study (with the babies) and the women returned on Friday morning for a women’s study. These folks were NOT confusing. They were clear, consistent and oh so very kind. In their presence, everyone felt like a favorite child who belonged. If I have any instincts about what it means to love Jesus and follow him, it is because they planted them.

So what made one experience so confusing and the other so clarifying? To be continued….

Teresa McBean 2/21/18 Teresa McBean 2/21/18

A Prayer for Wednesday

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Last week we talked about change, bravery, trust, receiving feedback and the skill set of relational reciprocity. Can we pause to admit that change is not easy? Can we agree with Brene’ that it often requires us to challenge long held perspectives and rules which our family system has propagated for generations?

In their book Rooted In God’s Love, Dale and Juanita Ryan speak to this very topic (pp.134-135) and offer a prayer, here it is:

Lord, it isn’t just me

that I am trying to change.

I am up against

generations of dysfunction.

An empty way of life

has dominated my family for a long time.

It has been passed down to me.

No wonder it seems so hard to change.

I need your help, Lord.

Help me to find hope

in your understanding of my struggle.

Help me to find hope in your gift of redemption.

AMEN

I pray this for you; I ask you to pray this for me. Together, we carry on.

Teresa McBean 2/20/18 Teresa McBean 2/20/18

Learning to be Reciprocal

Here are some things I have learned about reciprocity. As a review, reciprocity can happen when folks are in relationship with one another AND they have worked out respectful, reasonably safe, and helpful ways of giving one another feedback. This feedback, in theory, can help all parties learn and grow. In reciprocal relationships either party is in a position to learn at all times.

To return to an earlier example. Perhaps I write something on our blog and someone I have a reciprocal relationship with reads it and says, “Wow, I don’t think Teresa loves Jesus.” In reciprocity, they come over to my house or office with a latte and say, “When I read your blog post, I thought to myself - I don’t think Teresa loves Jesus.”

This gives me the PRIVILEGE of saying, “Well, this is so great to hear. What did I say that gave you that impression?” And they tell me. And then they get the privilege of hearing my reasoning behind what I said and my thoughts on my love for Jesus. It’s a big win win. The air is cleared. We move forward.

Now, there are some important principles to consider:

It is not ok to tell someone else what they feel or think or believe. This is huge. So if my friend asks me if I love Jesus, and I say yes, my friend is free to tell me why I confused her with my blog post on that point, but she is NOT free to tell me I do not love Jesus. See the difference?
This works best if there is trust and respect in a relationship. Honestly, I will have a different response depending on who brings the feedback. If my son tells me I do not love Jesus, seeing as how we work together and live as a close knit family - Geez, I am going to be inclined to believe him! And then I, being a person who wants to love Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul and strength, will ask for help in learning how to love Jesus more. See how that works? He has CREDIBILITY.
Even if someone does not have a large repository of trust in my relationship bank gives me unsolicited feedback (because I won’t go asking for feedback from someone I fundamentally do not trust, because that would just be silly), I can still treat them with respect. I will probably respond quite differently to the feedback, but my core values invite me to treat everyone respectfully. Make sense?

How do these ideas impact the way you relate to others? Any insights?

Teresa McBean 2/19/18 Teresa McBean 2/19/18

Pointing out other people's problems can be costly

In our community we work hard to be students in the field of addiction and recovery. Our community was founded on the big dream that families suffering from addiction, abuse, trauma and mental health issues needed a safe place to explore spirituality that suits their unique needs. We felt there were many wonderful worshiping communities that supported the perspective that “Every day with Jesus is better than the day before.” We wanted to be a place where it would be ok to say, “My life sucks; I want to know what God has to say about that.” Recently we were presented with the idea that calling another person an “addict” or “alcoholic” is shaming. We offered families new language and suggested they try on this phrase, “My loved one suffers from a substance use disorder.” My Lord, you would have thought we had suggested that the Pope wasn’t Catholic. Change is hard. People pushed back. Folks in recovery said, “Hey, I’m not ashamed; I identify with the label addict/alcoholic, whatever my ism is. Why pretty it up?” Family members said, “Hey, it took me ten years to acknowledge his/her addiction, are you suggesting that I pretend they AREN’T ADDICTED?” Plenty of frustration and attitude came with the feedback - until I offered further explanation. So the next time I pitched this idea, I said all the usual blah blah blah of new language and shame reduction, and then I said this: “Hey, it’s like this. If I ask my husband: do I look fat in this outfit? And he responds yes - that’s on me. I own the fact that he responded to my feedback request. BUT IF HE SAYS WITHOUT MY SOLICITING INPUT, ‘Babe, your backside is the size of Texas.’ Life at the McBean house is going to get very chilly.”

Everyone went, “Oh.” And from that day forward, there was no pushback.

Here’s the principle: we are a community that practices reciprocity. We are usually a fairly safe place to tell the truth. I introduced a new concept but didn’t explain it clearly. They taught me that I needed to improve my communication. We kept working together and ultimately they showed me how I could illustrate a pretty big recovery point: There are things we can (and arguably should) say about ourselves but are not as ok with having said about us.

Reciprocity is a way to learn how to help us all grow up without a side order of growing resentful. Do you have skills that make reciprocity possible? What skills might those be?

Stay tuned...

Teresa McBean 2/18/18 Teresa McBean 2/18/18

Reciprocity

Humility and the willingness to change our minds is a gift. I want to be the person who can listen to feedback and learn from it. But there is a distinction between receiving feedback and paying attention to harsh criticism from strangers (or people who you know do not know you even if they have met you). It’s like that old quote about porn, I may not be able to define it but I recognize it when I see it. And in this way, there is a sometimes intangible but distinct difference between feedback and judgmental criticism.

Example. When criticism from strangers is in play, because of what I have learned from Brown’s work, I have a note I refer to that says, “Teresa, if the criticism doesn’t come with a reciprocity agreement, return to sender.” Shortcut phrase that sometimes works to remind me of my core values: reciprocity.

Translation: In my community we operate as equals. No one is an expert. We are all Bozos on the bus and we love Bozos. We try not to crosstalk or tell each other what to do (although we slip often and forgive regularly our slips). We try to stay in the #metoo space of relationship. We are all equals, we all have something to contribute, we don’t boss each other around, we do practice giving and receiving feedback in safety. Reciprocity goes like this: “Hey, I read that you said this ______ and I am wondering if it might mean that you hate Jesus. Do you?” That statement invites reciprocity - a conversation. Or, “Hey, from what I experienced of you when you did _____, I doubt whether or not you know anything about spiritual transformation. Do you?” Again, a bit critical for a sensitive soul, but still, it invites reciprocity. It invites a conversation, not condemnation. If someone I do not even know tries to tell me who I am then it is okay to return that comment to the sender without spending valuable energy on it. However, if my husband or my kids or my best friend tells me I do not love Jesus and I know absolutely nothing about spiritual transformation I better sit down, pour the coffee and ask hard questions about myself. How do you process criticism and feedback? Do you make distinctions re: source?

Tomorrow, more on the nature of reciprocity...