The Truth about Ourselves

But God’s angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth.  But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being.

~ Romans 1, The Message

In the recovery world we have this marvelous process summed up best in the fourth and fifth steps:

4.  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  AND

5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

These two steps help us deal with the most valuable truth of all - the truth about ourselves.  Yesterday I proffered an example of confused truth - using God’s word as a weapon to get what we want (no divorce) rather than as a surgeon’s scalpel in the hands of the Holy Spirit to perform heart surgery (on us not another).  I love how specific the steps are and I have born witness to the healing power of telling the whole unvarnished truth about ourselves to God, self and another trusted listener. Sometimes we get wrapped around the axle of what we want versus what we know.  The steps and God’s word help us refocus but neither can make us care enough to actually change our behavior. Nevertheless, there’s more:  

What happened was this:  People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn’t treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives.  They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

~ Romans 1 The Message

Let’s get real.  Are there any cheap figurines you have clutched in your hands for dear life?  They are not life.

Lipstick on a Pig

When things don’t make sense to us, most times we should assume that we are not stupid.  (There are exceptions; but let’s start with this thought - when you think something is “off”, pay attention.)  A common example of putting lipstick on a pig for me is when a couple in the middle of working through infidelity come to talk to me about God’s view on divorce.  We know a couple things about divorce from the scriptures: (1.) God isn’t a fan and (2.) God made provision for it in the Law.

It doesn’t sound like a problem for a pastor, right?  One spouse and usually both, are deeply worried about violating the covenant they made before God when they wed.  We can check off option 1 above - God isn’t a fan of divorce. Inspired by God’s way of seeing, I try to live in agreement with God.  I grieve over divorce too. I empathize with their grief.

But I’ve learned to ask follow up questions. Without fail the person most vehemently championing for the “God hates divorce” position breaks eye contact and all of a sudden finds my office-grade, coffee stained carpet fascinating when I ask him/her to rate their passion level for God’s command that reads:  Do not commit adultery.

See my point?  Something is off in this discussion; someone is not ready to talk truth.

A cynical person might suggest that the adulterer in this situation might be using the scriptures as a way to manipulate his/her spouse to stay in the marriage.  At a minimum, surely the adultery is worthy of discussion if we are concerned about God’s way of seeing.

Instead of using scripture as a supporting document for our own preferences, I would suggest that we realize that even on thorny issues like divorce - where we know God loves us so much he hopes we never have to go through that suffering AND he made legal provision for it - we keep our eyes on the bigger picture.

Don’t put lipstick on a pig.  

How might you be putting lipstick on a pig?  Any incongruencies in what you believe versus how you are living?  Anything that you are trying NOT to notice?

But God’s angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth.  But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being.

~ Romans 1, The Message

A Prayer For Monday

Today, I pray for you and yours…

Lord, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Who do we deceive?

Ourselves, Lord.

We deceive ourselves when…

We believe we are too far gone for you to reach down and scoop us up in your arms

We judge ourselves and find our own lacking reason from condemnation

We manage our own anxiety with veiled attempts to push it onto some other poor schmuck

We use our anger to fuel our action

We believe our emotions on face value and run headlong into reaction without pause

We distrust our feelings without thanking them for getting our attention

Woe are we in our confusion and chaos!

Bring us home Lord, home to you.

Grant us rest, as you promised.

Wisdom as you intended.

Save us and ours!

Amen

Chaos to Clarity

Continued from previous days…

Once I focused on my pastor friend’s concerns (and not my own), I inquired about his insights into 1 Timothy (the passage that had him all hot and bothered in previous conversations).  He had none. This is understandable. During times of severe duress we shouldn’t expect insights. When we are stressed out, our body is preparing to fight, flee or freeze. It’s not usually our best time for theological discussions.  

“Do you remember the verse you quoted me the other day?  The one from 1 Timothy?” I asked.

“Yeah, of course, me and my shame.  I used to love those verses to guide me as a leader in good standing when faced with a problem with one of the other leaders in my congregation.  Now that I fear I am THAT GUY who cannot manage his family, these verses no longer feel so cut and dried. Standing on the other side of these words, I’m angry.  I feel judged. And that makes me feel guilty for the way I judged others. But mostly, I just feel like a failure who has disappointed God. Now I have to decide what to do about it.  Quit my job? Come clean with my daughter’s situation? She doesn’t want anyone knowing her business. But I’ve used other situations just like this one to force a deacon to resign his position.  What a mess!”

“Ok, well, before we get to that, can we go back to 1 Timothy?”  I asked. He agreed. Instead of turning to the “instruction manual for leadership” (his words not mine), I went back to the verses I quoted earlier this week:  This saying is reliable and deserves full acceptance: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners’ - and I’m the biggest sinner of all.  But this is why I was shown mercy, so that Christ Jesus could show his endless patience to me first of all. So I’m an example for those who are going to believe in him for eternal life.”  1 Timothy 1:15-16 CEB

We read it and he fell silent.  

“Look, I do not know what to tell you about how you manage your church.  I do have some thoughts about your daughter, if you ever want to hear about that.  But what I do know is this - Paul probably had a particular context for writing what he said in reference to leaders.  This was a letter to a particular person. And, it’s not the only thing Paul said. Just look at the verses we’re reading!  Jesus shows endless patience. He took the biggest sinner of all (according to Paul), Paul, and taught him that Jesus came to save sinners and show mercy.  I do not know what to make of your church policies, who am I to say? But I believe that if your policies do not align with endless patience and mercy, well, you might want to re-evaluate.”

He replied, “You think this would make a good sermon?”

“For me or you?  For me, yes. For you, heck no.  These are my thoughts, not yours.  You were perfectly ok with removing people from positions in the church if their kid got busted.  You cannot go preaching a sermon until you wrestle with what you really believe and why you believe it.  You cannot all of a sudden change the policy of your church just because it no longer suits you. What about this?  What if you just decide for now that it’s time to rethink the way you folks are handling families that hurt in your church?  Right after I get you the resources to get your kid into treatment! OK? Let’s do the critical things first!”

“Ok, what should I do for her?”  

Tomorrow, we pray.  Because we all have family situations that are painful.  And we often fail to make choices that account for patience, mercy, and right action when said action is inconvenient.

Better than Jesus?

I set up a time to chat with my pastor friend and quickly learned the following:  his daughter was not in treatment, he had sent her out of state to “visit” her grandparents and she was terrorizing them with her out-of-control behavior.  He was still deeply concerned about losing his job.

“So what part of this do you want feedback on?”  I asked.

“What should I do about my job?”  he countered.

“You know, I have more resources that might be helpful to your daughter than I have experience about your job security,” I replied.

“I cannot think about that until I stop obsessing about this job thing,” he confessed.

“Ok,” I said.  I decided to start where he was, not where I wished him to be.

And this is a principle that my family crackup is teaching me.  We have to be realistic about where each of us is in life; it is a waste of time to think otherwise.  I wanted this dad to be strong and brave and loving and willing to go to any lengths to help his kid. He wanted that as well, but in the moment, he was distracted with his crisis of conscious about how he had handled previous situations as a leader and the implications of applying those same principles to himself.  I can judge him for this (my perceived lack of proper priorities) or I can try to be helpful. Helpful is in my core value wheelhouse; judging is not.

My teammate and son, Scott, has a philosophy of ministry he refers to as “assessing tolerance.”  What Scott means, I think, is that Scott wants us to consciously exercise both discernment and wisdom when listening to grieving, traumatized people who need to make hard calls.  Before a meeting with a suffering family, he often reminds me that part of our work is to assess how much “truth” a family can tolerate before we bring out the howitzer of information we have acquired and shoot them with it.  I wish I understood this perspective decades ago. I wish I had paid more attention when people I love taught me that we were on vastly different pages as it related to our core values. I wish I had acquired more acceptance AND more detachment - it would have saved us all a lot of trauma.  I have a principle for days when I wish I had known stuff that I did not - I remind myself: when we know better, we do better. Look, here is the skinny on this: I really did want to judge this dad for his priorities. I thought he should get his kid to rehab first and manage the fallout second.  But if I push my agenda, then I won’t be available to maybe have a chance with helping with rehab. Instead, I took a deep cleansing breath and tried to help him with the issue that holds his attention. This is what it looks like to assess tolerance, put your big girl pants on, lay down your weapons and try to serve.