Wrapping up

I hope this little mini-series on love has been practical and inspiring.  Scott and I are moving on to another series in which we do some point/counterpoint conversations that we invite you to join us in!

But for today, I pray that we continue to remember how much freedom and responsibility each of us have in choosing our own adventures.  Many of the “limitations” we place on ourselves are imagined. Some of our legitimate “limitations” are gifts that are waiting to teach us new ways of being.

This is your one wild and precious life - go for it!!

It's simpler than you thought

Yesterday we talked about how a previously happy couple began to question whether or not they wanted to stay married to each other.  Instead of doubling down on discontent and blaming, these two chose curiosity and humility. They heard about a workshop that sounded like it might be helpful and they took it.  They followed up with a support group - one for him, another for her. They worked hard to apply what they were learning and when they felt stuck, they asked for support from a person they trusted.

Eventually, they made a few changes and found immediate relief and reconnection.

1. The wife decided that it was not her husband’s job to provide her with a sense of community.  She realized, accurately, that her community connections of the past had never involved him. She engaged her “ME” work, and began contemplating what she loved - as opposed to what her children needed.  Upon reflection (in the “ME” arena), she realized that she loved gardening (as did her husband fyi) but had neglected that personal interest in lieu of parenting responsibilities. She signed up for a master gardening course and made new friends while learning a ton.  Together, she and her husband (who had no interest in classes) began to garden together - a job previously left solely to Mr. Solitary. See what happened there? She used all three relationship areas - her “ME”, her “YOU and ME” (making hubby quite happy), and “WE”. Before she knew it, she was volunteering at local gardening events.  Eventually she ended up getting a part time job at a local nursery.

2. The husband in this story engaged his “ME” to discover why he was so upset when his wife complained about his solitary ways.  He was aghast when he realized that his previous passion - his work - had become more taxing and less inspiring. No one was as surprised as he was to discover that he was ready to retire.  Once retired, his willingness to socialize a bit more became not only doable but a welcome part of their calendar. (His “ME” allowed him to reduce his “WE” which was no longer serving him well and that allowed the “YOU and ME” to find new “WE” expressions together.)

Finally, notice how as each of them took responsibility for themselves, he positively impacted their intimacy and sociability!  Can you imagine if the husband had retired and his wife did not have outside interests? She may have used her gardening skills to fertilize the back yard with body parts!  

We can all do this.  We must continue to assess and reassess our lives.  Notice how important it is to own our “ME”; rejoice in the reality that as we own our “ME” it often benefits our intimate and social connections.  This is such good stuff! How are you doing in these arenas? Anything that needs shifting?

Marital Mayhem

In a previous blog entry, I concluded it with the following statement:  When we do not appropriately match up our needs and wants within the appropriate context for addressing them, we have issues.

I provided a couple of examples to illustrate my point: we need to become more self-aware and attentive to the love arena we are in at any moment AND manage our expectations accordingly.  One example was of a woman who acted as if a social relationship was the place to meet her needs for intimacy; a second was of a widower whose loss of a key intimate relationship cost him vital feedback that his spouse once provided.  In both examples, these folks suffered in all their relationships because of an imbalance in the area of intimacy.

Another example that might help us understand the need for balance involves a gentleman with the opposite problem from those two folks.  He is a quiet introverted sort married to a sociable wife. Their imbalance was not obvious while the children were at home. His wife was busy with the commitments involving her children - she was active in the PTA, they had sporting events to attend, one of their children was active in a local theatre group.  But once those kids flew the nest and before grandchildren arrived on the scene, a previously contented marriage began to fall apart at the seams.

What went wrong?  Can this marriage be saved?

The wife grew increasingly restless and discontent in the marriage.  The more she complained about her situation, the more withdrawn her husband became - exacerbating the problem.  How did they move through this rough patch?

They figured out that they were out of kilter in a rather simple and fixable arena of love.  They had TOO MUCH intimacy and NOT ENOUGH tribe. This required the contented husband - who was living his dream of a quiet and peaceful home with his beloved - to acknowledge that too much of a good thing was too much.  And his irritable wife had to come to grips with her changed circumstances (reduced social interaction) and take responsibility for herself. She needed to figure out how to re-introduce more tribe back into her weekly schedule.  

Kind of neat, right?  Both had some responsibility in the situation.  All of this came about because each accepted the premise that every human needs three love arenas:  ME, YOU and ME, and WE. He preferred the “you and me” place; she really loved the “we”. Both were a bit off kilter.  

Tomorrow, we will explore a couple of very practical ways these two got back on track. For today, notice these things:  1. They were looking for answers not just blaming their life stage OR each other for their marital woes and 2. Both were willing to take responsibility for their part (they both were fairly health in the “ME” arena).

A Prayer for Friday

Father, you have given us a big vision for a job that so often seems so easy, natural and small as to feel as if we couldn’t possibly be getting it right.  When our love flows naturally from you to others, we hardly notice it happening. For those times when we love one another well in a way that includes both give and take - we give thanks.

For those times when either we perceive or come to know that we have experienced a love fail - we ask for mercy.  Forgive us our clumsy love-less ways!

Thank you for your guidance in these matters.  For today, we lay our weapons of defensiveness down and ask for your continued patience as we practice loving respect for  you, ourselves and others.

Amen

Need for Candor

We have a widower friend, a great big gregarious guy who has always loved people and parties.  Charming and curious, he has been an asset to any community he joined - and he joined A LOT of communities.  When his wife died, it soon became apparent that he had lost a profound intimate connection that soon began to diminish his sociability.  Always the diplomat, he soon became rather dogmatic. A guy known for bringing people together during disagreement stopped picking up on the cues that there was disagreement among the group members.  It appeared as if his listening skills were slipping; I even wondered if his hearing was impaired.

One evening after a particularly awkward meeting, his daughter approached me and shared her concerns.  Her read on the situation is that for decades the ride HOME from an event was more often than not a debrief.  Her mother would ask questions, point out interactions, clarify others’ positions. Before meetings, my friend said her mom would often “coach” her dad.  She would provide valuable reviews of previous meetings, point out potential people problems and often “cast a vision” for what might be accomplished if “someone” were to take a gentle lead on an issue.  In other words, this effective leader was in part effective because he had a wise, attuned, introverted wife who helped him maximize his social consciousness and leadership skills, straighten his tie and make sure his fly was zipped.  This is the work of intimacy.

Her theory made perfect sense.  This is an example of a guy who had a good sense of “self”, paired with a highly effective intimate relationship, and a broad commitment to serving his community.  When he lost the ability to have that one-on-one connection for deepening his own understanding of issues, his social interaction was suffering. Ultimately his daughter found some practical ways to step in and help with the one-on-one time; soon he was better able to function as a community leader.  This is a real life example of how ALL of us need all three venues of love in order to be balanced AND for our communities to remain vibrant.