The Hypocrisy of Hypocrisy

Honestly, I think sometimes I make excuses to not deal with pressing issues at hand for fear that  someone will remind me of our own defects of character OR I am obsessing over them and unable to stay in the present. This is worth noting for two reasons:  1. It probably means we are not using our tools to actually make peace with our defects of character and deal with them appropriately AND 2. We are missing out on some very valuable crucial conversations.

Recently a mom came in to talk to me about her son’s pot usage.  She wanted him to slow his roll and cut back.

I asked a simple follow up question:  “What was his response to your request?”

“I haven’t said a word!” She responds with vehemence.  “I cannot actually talk to him!!”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Weeelllllll, he knows I smoke too.  I would feel like a hypocrite.”

“Do you smoke as often per day as he does?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t know that!!”  She answers. (Hmmmm…Interesting…..)

The OBVIOUS issue here if we are going to get all judgy is that she is actually being a hypocrite.  But I think that misses the point. My work isn’t to point out the obvious but to instead support whatever work this mom is willing to do to work towards becoming a more healthy family.

If I can pause in my own tendency to judge, I can better see her problem from her perspective.  Actually, I see her problems.  But I also see a way through the weeds (pun intended).  She thinks he is using too much and she wants to address that issue.  She is stymied in taking action for obvious reasons. We kept talking about why asking him to moderate his use seems crucial to her and she remained convinced that this was important.  From that perspective I was able to offer some suggestions:

She could level with her son and see how he responds.  She could express her concern about his dosage and present her perspective without demanding he change.  She could even be vulnerable enough to be honest about her own usage and talk about her ambivalence about changing her own dosage.  Maybe she decides to first slow her own roll and see what she learns. Maybe invite him to join her in changing.

There are many options here to support this one principle:  if it is the right thing to do and you believe it is yours to do, do it even if  you do not have your own act together.  To be effective, we may have to also address our own issues.  But the point for today is this: do not let fear of being confronted with your own issues keep you from doing a right thing.  Humility is a beautiful thing. Want to hear what came of this family?

To be continued...

Cautious Courage

I previously called out my own contemptuous behavior (judging someone’s drink order) as is only fair.  But that was not the only concern of the day. Another core value I have relates to verbal abuse toward other more vulnerable individuals.  If someone who cannot speak up for themselves is being harangued, I believe this: when you see it, say something. This young barista was not in a position to call out the customer.  She has no doubt been trained to remain calm and polite. But I am not the barista. I can remain calm and speak up. Politely. I do not make apology for my attempt to interrupt his treatment of a young woman working hard to make my morning caffeinated.

We humans are complicated and our scattered internal processing often competes for our attention. I was initially distracted by my own inventory taking (necessary and good work to do).  I am keenly aware that I am not able to perfectly execute my own principles in thought, feelings and action. But we can all have this going for us: we can notice when we are thinking thoughts, having feelings, taking actions that are incongruent with our core values, and acknowledge the problem.  Consider this a given.

But I have a second point:  Our problem in one area does not excuse us from acting courageously in another area. Those are two separate issues.  In other words, I can never be so afraid of my own imperfections as to use them as an excuse to collapse in upon myself and give up.  

I can notice my judgy attitude about the guy with the complicated drink order and know that I have a process for dealing with that in the future AND actually do so.  I can also stay present in the moment and not get so caught up in the concept of contempt that I fail to notice that this dude is actually behaving abusively toward a young, vulnerable, female.  

Do you ever get so distracted by your thoughts and ruminations that you are unable to appropriately attend to the present moment?  If so, it really helps to have a process (like the 12-steps) and a tribe to report back to that you have confidence in. That way, when we see something we want to work through personally, we can take note of it and address it later.  

Contempt for God

“A son honors his father, and a slave his master. If I am a father, where is the honor due me? If I am a master, where is the respect due me?” says the Lord Almighty.  “It is you priests who show contempt for my name. But you ask, ‘How have we shown contempt for your name?’ “

Malachi 1:6 NIV

Read the book of Malachi and it will soon become apparent that God answers the above question for his people.  He gives example upon example of the contemptuous way they have behaved. Attacking others with the intention of insulting or abusing them was one of those issues and God says it has tremendous spiritual implications.  I suppose that is why it is important when we notice that we are doing so - whether in thought, word, or deed, we need to pay attention and take it seriously if this is our faith perspective. That dude is right, even though I hate to admit it, contemptuous behavior is common today.  It would be easy for us to minimize our own as we find someone else who has done something much worse in comparison. But this is not our model for comparison, is it? Today, notice if you are contemptuous of anyone. Unless, of course, you do not believe that this is a necessary core value.  If that’s the case - carry on.

Tomorrow, we will start a discussion on why this matters and what we do differently.

Contempt does not fit our "way of seeing"

In yesterday’s devotional I pointed out a disconnect between the principle that I believe in (don’t treat others contemptuously) and my practice (contemptuous thoughts about the guy yelling at the clerk).  

There’s not much in that story that comforts me. That being said, I think there a couple of things worth mentioning as possible takeaways…

I believe in a principle that no one should be treated with contempt.  Here’s the deal - it matters, according to my faith, how we treat others.  If your faith experience does not have that requirement, ok, cool. But mine does say that and I am grateful to both have the scriptures to guide me in a reality check and the capacity (at least this one time) to notice when I am not practicing what I believe.  My internal response was not ideal.

Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

~ Proverbs 14:31  NIV

What core values do you have, where did you get them, how are you living them?

We have an old saying in our community that I am sure we stole from someone - when we know better, we do better.  This is one of the absolute greatest benefits of having a Higher Power, maintaining conscious contact with Him, and living in a way that we are surrounded by people struggling to “know better.”  Some days we need to celebrate the possibility that we can learn and change ESPECIALLY when our outcomes are disappointing.

What do you know that you want to do better?  How can you celebrate your effort today?

Contempt

This morning I stood in line behind a guy in a coffee shop who was super rude to a barista.  This is NOT how I wanted to start my day off. He was insufferable. Maybe it was because it was early and I hadn’t actually experienced my day off; maybe it was the cowering look and flushed cheeks of the sweet clerk on the receiving end of his abuse; maybe I was just in a feisty mood - I don’t know.  But I could NOT stop myself.

“Sir, I gotta tell you, if I were being talked to like that, it would really be upsetting.  This woman is trying to do her job. It seems like you are causing her distress. With all due respect, please stop raising your voice at her.”  

“Well, lady, we live in a contemptuous world.  Get used to it.” Interesting. I didn’t suggest that he was being contemptuous - though I think he was - he came up with that on his own.  He handed over his five bucks for his specialty coffee drink that I thought only teenage girls ordered and stomped off to wait for it to be prepared.  (I am being catty. Contemptuous even.)

My computer dictionary says this about contempt:

1. the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

2. disregard for something that should be taken into account.

According to this guy, this is the world we live in.  It is a world where we can act on a feeling that springs up in our teeny tiny hard hearts that convinces us that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.  It is that capacity to disregard another - and even the dictionary agrees that “something that should be taken into account” should not be held in contempt.

The guy never said another word as he grabbed his girly drink (oops there I go again) and slammed his way out the door.  My Lord, I prayed, if this is the world we live in - we are in big trouble. I paid it backward and gave that teary eyed teen a 100% tip and knew that I could have given her a puppy and it would have done little to ease the pain associated with being treated with contempt.  As if she were beneath consideration. Worthless. Deserving scorn. Disregarded even though she was created to be taken into account.

The guy is right.  We do live in a world where contempt is normative.  But does that mean we have to buy into it as a lifestyle?  I, who have spent a good bit of time writing about the concept at various points in my life, find myself holding the guy in this story...in contempt.  How in the world are we going to change this contemptuous dynamic - a dynamic I hate AND practice?