Criticism Precedes Crisis

Another predictor of marital mayhem is criticism.  This is different than a good old fashioned lament or complaint.  A criticism is when we take a complaint and turn it into an indictment of another’s personality.  Maybe you are upset that your spouse drinks sodas and lines the cans up on the counter (as opposed to throwing them in the recycling bin).  Suppose I am irritated with my husband about this habit (which is totally bogus because he doesn’t drink soda in a can but work with me).

A criticism might sound like this:  “What is wrong with YOU? Why do you line up these empty soda cans like tin soldiers on my brand new quartz countertop?  Why are you so inconsiderate?”

A complaint on the other hand might go like this:  “I hate the irritated way I react when I come into the kitchen and we have an army of soda cans lined up on the countertop. I need us to find a better way to honor our desire to recycle without leaving the cans on the counter for days.”

See the difference?  Option one accuses, option two admits stuff (true stuff) about myself and expresses what I need.

In healthy marriages there is plenty to complain about but spouses are careful to not criticize.  This is a skill set we can learn and practice.

When I spoke to a couple recently and suggested this principle the wife rolled her eyes and said something like this.  “For God’s sake, don’t be such a pansy. There is nothing wrong with telling someone who is a dumba** that they are one.”  All I can say is this response is indicative of a future marital parting of the ways.

There is a healthy way to complain about something without criticizing.  What would work in your situation?

Focus on what you CAN control

I am not a fan of living in a world of contempt.  How can I make a difference without falling into my own trap of contempt toward others?  What is the opposite of contempt?

Appreciation. Sounds simple, right?  Say some nice stuff to others; maybe bring them a cookie once in awhile?  Good start, but let’s delve deeper.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a researcher who has dedicated himself to studying the institution of marriage, the #1 predictor of failure is when couples treat each other with disrespect and contempt.  

Research indicates that decent marriages and disastrous ones have about the same amount of conflict, which surprised the heck out of me.  I figured that marriages with lots of conflict broke up and the lucky ones with less conflict remained intact. Not true according to Gottman’s research.

It turns out that marriages that create a culture of appreciation for small things makes for a firm foundation and guards against toxic contempt. He calls it a habit of the mind - developing the practice of scanning the environment for ways we can express praise and appreciation.  Gottman suggests we should work hard to catch folks doing right and call attention to it through affirmation. Constantly.

I would add a caveat.  Beware of manipulative praise.  When my grandson went through a brief phase of temper tantrums and the excessive use of the word “NO!”, our family chose a strategy of response.  As a team we chose to not respond or give any attention to foot stomping and loud profanity-sound-a-like shouts of “NO!” We would avert our gaze, go still and wait.  He caught on pretty quickly that all the drama didn’t serve him well. But it took a LOT of practice to rid himself of the impulse to respond so robustly to his passions.

When he remembered that his hissy fit was not serving him well, he would turn on the charm.  I particularly loved how it worked with me. He would bat his long eyelashes and stare lovingly into my eyes, raise his pudgy little arms for an embrace and with the sweetest sing songy voice EVER say, “MEEEEEEEEEEEM (translation for those who don’t speak 18 month language, he is saying Meme).”  Oh my gosh. So cute.

But I would not give into my inclination to gush over his charming entreaty because the little dude was working me.  I don’t think this is what Gottman has in mind. He is not saying that we flatter and cajole and charm anytime we find ourselves in conflict.  What he is suggesting is that we develop the habit of sincere affirming and praising and appreciating whenever possible, even over the smallest matters, as a way of life.

I may not be able to stop every impulse I have to think contemptuously (progress not perfection) but I CAN become a person who becomes more alert and responsive to appreciating those around me.

Permission...not granted.

When I think about my defects of character that seem resistant to removal, it seems to me that it begins with PERMISSION.  I give myself permission to forget about my own core values in favor of obsessing over someone else’s. Here is a saying worth tattooing somewhere:  people teach us stuff every day about themselves that is none of our business.  Are our conclusions and assumptions true?  Maybe. Maybe not.

I am not suggesting that we ignore our hunches and intuitions about people when they throw up red flags of concern - that’s just silly.  But what I am suggesting is that we spend as much time thinking about what our own thoughts, words and deeds are teaching ourselves and others as we do observing what we THINK others are teaching us.

Business partners, spouses, team mates, etc. are relationships that are going to require intimacy, trust, and lots of hours working together.  We do need to pay close attention to what these individuals are teaching us. But let’s be honest - we often spend way too much time speculating about people we have no business fretting over.

In a very practical application of this thought - perhaps we could figure out a way to consciously reduce the times we give ourselves permission to assess others.  What can we do to increase our awareness of the ways we judge and critique others?

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.  Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?  Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?  

Romans 2:1-4 NIV

A Prayer for Wednesday

Lord, Your people asked you how they had behaved contemptuously toward you and you told them!  With fear and trembling, we ask you to show us our own stubborn resistance to living life as you would have us.  But God, please be gentle with us for we are fragile at times. Thank you for your patience with us.

Amen

Crucial Conversations Can Inspire Change

After our initial conversation (see yesterday’s blog post), this mom decided she needed more time to process.  We met two other times to talk. More time allowed her to share with me why she was more ok with her multiple-times-a-day pot smoking than she was with her son’s similar pattern of use.  

Since she wasn’t asking for my opinion, I did a totally weird thing and didn’t give it.  Later she told me that just listening to herself talk actually helped her change her own opinion on the subject.

By the end of our meetings she had a plan.  I suppose there were many ways all of this could have gone down, but here is what happened:

1. She decided she had a problem herself.

2. She didn’t feel equipped to talk to her son with integrity until she got some help for herself.

3. She got help and began tapering down.  Her current goal is to be clean in 90 days.

4. She came clean with her son about her situation and acknowledged that she was initially only focused on “his” issue.  

5. He is currently unwilling to change his dosing.

6. She is ok with having her own experience and believes that she will be able to circle back around and have further conversations in the days ahead.

I love this so very much.  It isn’t a neat and tidy story with an ideal ending.  But it is a story of mutual respect, no condemnation, and full of possibility of change.  These are not the kinds of conversations any of us can have if we are unconsciously contemptuous.  

Can you consider how you might have two “projects” going simultaneously?  One project is the continued work of self-examination; the second is the wisdom work of speaking up when it is ours to do and there is a problem at hand.