The Good Ole Days

Getting old has its advantages if you look hard enough. One of those advantages is the beautiful gift of experience.  Back in the old days when dinosaurs roamed the earth – you know, the 90’s….our local community had only a few options for treating substance use disorder.  

We suggested that everyone access and use the appropriate mutual aid society like AA, NA, etc. as their recovery resource.  As in all things there were exceptions. Some people were able to afford to kick start their recovery by going into an in-house treatment program.  There were outpatient programs as well. Whatever route a person chose, it ALWAYS led to AA or NA or the like. (Hence the oft heard phrase for folks coming out of treatment, “90 in 90”.)

Today we recognize that there are many pathways to recovery and I am all for this approach!  We are not making the progress we need in the area of treatment for substance use disorder - of course we need to keep trying new things!

But I have a deep and abiding respect for the 12 steps and those who work them. I have a hunch that, as time passes, research in the field of addiction and recovery will find ways to articulate why mutual aid societies have worked for many people trying to get sober and recover their lives.

For the next few days I’m going to talk about my opinions on the subject.  But first, I have to issue a strong warning and a few advisories!

Stay tuned!

A Prayer for Wednesday

Father, Give us a heart for earnest seeking.  Help us appreciate the value of unconditional love and the real risk associated with knowing that all our relationships are appropriately conditional.  Grant us the discernment to wisely understand that we can ruin relationships if we stubbornly resist change. Guide us as we navigate our own struggles with people who have betrayed us and for whom we have lost trust.  And in all these things pour your grace and mercy upon us for we are weak and without you we are hopeless.

Amen

Fear of Conflict

I hate conflict.  I don’t mind standing up against injustice on behalf of someone else but I hate hate hate conflict in my relationships.  One way I used to try to avoid conflict without actually resolving anything was to practice stonewalling. Stonewalling is when we avoid conflict while communicating disapproval, distance and separation by withdrawing from a relationship.  Some call it giving someone the “cold shoulder”. It’s fighting dirty because you do not give resolution a chance.

It’s also a bit cowardly.  If called out on it, we can always tell the person that they are crazy (which is called gaslighting by the way) and that we are not withdrawn, just tired or stressed out.  If we really work at this we can blame a whole bunch of people with an elaborate story that hides the truth of our own culpability - we are scared of conflict but we still want our pound of flesh.

Surprisingly, I did not learn how to reduce my stonewalling ways by learning how to fight more efficiently.  Instead, I’ve learned how to practice what Dr. John Gottman calls “physiological self-soothing.”

Here’s how it works.  When Pete brings up a touchy subject that we are having conflict over I immediately experience a visceral desire to run away and pout.  Instead of doing so, I try to tell the truth to myself. Ugh oh, Teresa, here you go again - you are considering stonewalling. If I can remember this and not react by doing this thing I instinctively want to do I can choose to do something different.  It looks like this:

“Hey, I hate this about me (acknowledge my feelings) but I really want to withdraw from you and this discussion (tell the truth).  I need your help (express my need rather than blame him in some way). I need to take a break from this discussion and do something that will help me calm down.  I am going to go distract myself with a nice, long walk. Can we reconvene this conversation in a couple hours?” This is an example of physiological self-soothing.  Walks work for me.

I cannot count the number of times I have left the house to walk and think about how my husband is a silly goose only to return with gratitude and appreciation for his perspective.  Stonewalling is not helpful but it is indicative that we are freaking out and under stress. Our work, our responsibility, our skill set to develop in situations like this? Physiological self-soothing.  Workout. Do a puzzle. Water your plants. Vacuum. Take a drive. Ride your bike. Go sit on a rock in the James river and thank God you live in such a cool place! It’s a great skill set and it can be done at anytime for no charge!  Try it!

P.S.  According to Gottman, you need at least twenty minutes to reset.  I require an hour!

Defensiveness is a bad strategy

When I was a kid and my parents tried to discipline me I would burst into tears in an embarrassingly vocal manner.  This drove us all crazy. As I got older, this became even more upsetting. I wanted to be able to be a smart mouth or appear nonchalant.  Truth was, I was incredibly defensive about any perceived correction. Decades passed and I assumed that my parental units were bad a giving me feedback - or else, why would I have been such an emotional wreck?

This perspective did not last long.  When I left home and got married, I began to notice that I was defensive with everyone.  Pete said it was hard to discuss a touchy subject with me because I was so defensive. I had to explain to him that I didn’t even know what that meant.  And I wasn’t kidding. I was so naturally defensive that I couldn’t even recognize it in myself. Slowly, my self-awareness increased. But let’s be real - I am still a very defensive person.

Defensive behavior is a way some of us try to protect ourselves from a perceived attack. We do this by trying to turn the blame around onto someone else.  (My parents were bad at providing feedback is one example of how I tried to blame others.)

Look, I am the last person in the world to suggest that we all try to not be so defensive!  It would be the height of hypocrisy. But I do have three suggestions that I practice:

1. If you know you are prone to being defensive, admit it to God, to yourself and other human beings.  Sometimes it helps just to tell the truth.

2. Acknowledge that you are powerless over your defensiveness BUT still accept responsibility for it.  

3. Actively seek ways that work for you to address your defensive reactions.  

I am terrible at being defensive with Pete so I started practicing being less defensive in artificial situations when the stakes are low.  I set the situations up so that I would not be startled. Although I would never do this at one of my regular coffee shops, I decided to go to another one that I do not and never will frequent often (safe, low risk environment).  I would place my order and then deliberately not give them enough money to pay for my coffee. They would call my attention to my error and I would say, “I am sorry; you are right. Here is the fifty cents I still owe you.” It was surprisingly hard.

What do you struggle with?  Contempt towards others? Criticism?  Blaming others? Defensiveness? Start small and try to make a few changes to move you away from your predictable, habitual responses to others!

Gentleness

It’s upsetting when a family discovers that their child is smoking pot.  Obviously. When it isn’t your kid doing it the capacity to not panic and remain calm is a lot easier than it is for the parents.  So when a pair of parents slunk into my office with a plastic bag full of weed smoking materials I was not surprised by their anxiety. Dad was enraged and wanted to lock the kid up and throw away the key; mom had selected a fancy wilderness camp to the tune of $75,000.00 for 60 days (camping supplies included).  No one was all that interested in my suggestion to breathe.

I began to review some interesting data on substance use and suggested things that might be helpful but they weren’t paying much attention.  Dad sat staring off into space and jiggling his leg; mom kept glancing down at her ipad with the pretty mountain vista on the homepage of the wilderness camp.  Finally I wised up, shut up and just let the whole thing blow up.

Mom accused dad of being cruel and thoughtless and loud and mean; Dad charged that mom was in denial about almost everything but especially about the reality that they didn’t have $5,000 much less $75,000 available to send a pot smoking, disrespectful and disappointing adolescent male to a camp that looked like a reward for good behavior.  Eventually they wore themselves out and silence fell.

I told them that I did not have a quick solution to their problem and that I was sorry that this wasn’t like taking a car into a shop for a tune-up.  This journey was going to be more marathon than sprint. Big sighs were shared. However, I did have one thought. I reminded them that the world was a harsh and contemptuous place.  I recounted what they had already told me about their kid - crushing injury that killed his chance to play a sport he loved, three family moves in five years and a recent breakup with the girl of his dreams.  I told them in no uncertain terms that their boy was under a lot of stress and their response would either add to that distress or not; much of that depended on them being able to get their own acts together, manage their own anxiety and depression and heartbroken expectations AND respond to him in a way that took all these factors into consideration.  We had to discuss a bit this idea that I threw out about how I was concerned that both of them were reacting to their son’s pot use in a way that was managing their anxiety MORE THAN figuring out how to address the problem in a way that would give him the best chance of seriously considering their position. Barely convinced but willing to set up a follow up meeting I left them with one thought:  in a world that will smack us down in a New York minute, go home and just be nice to your kid. Be gentle. Be kind. Practice that for one week and then we will come up with the next step.

Here’s the deal.  In any and every situation, even from a long distance, we can be kind and wish others well - even our vilest enemy. I’m not saying it is easy; I am suggesting it could be a more congruent response to broken relationships than praying for smiting!  Which fits your core values better?