Resilience Revisited

What is resilience?  Here’s one DEFINITION -

re·sil·ience

noun

noun: resiliency

1.   the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

"the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"

… 2.  the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

"nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience"

Current theorists suggest that this capacity to be resilient is a big deal and is an essential skill set that folks interested in recovery need in order to find their way back to a healthier, happier and more authentically ‘them’ way of life.  

Personally, I think we all need it.  I particularly love this idea of “the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape”.  This concept has amazing applications for not only the world of recovery but for anyone interested in building a life worth living.

In the olden days when I was learning such things, my professors taught me that the brain was NOT particularly resilient.  Their theory was that it didn’t regenerate. They were wrong.

Today we know better so we can do better.  We know that a messed up brain can heal.  New pathways can be formed. This is good news for folks who struggle with addiction because it is fundamentally an organic brain disease.  But all of us can benefit from learning about how to maintain brain health and repair it when necessary!

So here’s the good news - through resiliency work, we are exercising our bodies and our brains in ways that repair the damage done to our noggins by trauma, substance abuse and other brain damaging conditions.  Want to know how? Stay tuned!

New things can be "good" without being "better"

People like shiny new things.  I know that I do! I get tired of sofas, slacks and even cars.  I enjoy throwing out the old in anticipation of something new. I wonder if folks are tempted to feel this way about the 12 steps.  12 step meetings show up in Disney movies for goodness sake! Doesn’t that say something about our cultural awareness of AA and the other mutual aid groups?

Sometimes I worry that we have gotten so accustomed to the concept of the 12 steps that we perhaps have not fully evaluated - or taken advantage of - or appreciated - the gift of actually working them.  And they are in every sense of the word meant to be worked!

I had a friend tell me one time that he just got tired of being associated with “the program.”  He lamented, “How many times do I need to go over these damn steps?” I totally understand his perspective.  And to be fair, I know folks who got sober at AA, eventually stopped attending AA and as far as I know are still sober.  (However research indicates that going to AA for 14 years, averaging 3 meetings a week is a best practice.)

The other factor is access and availability.  These mutual aid societies are so accessible, have free access and offer tons of meetings per week.  Is it easy to take them for granted? I dunno. Maybe.

New research related to the association of trauma and the addictive process is challenging all of us to take a good hard look at how we can offer resilience training to those who suffer from substance use disorder.  And I’ve heard people say - “If it’s all about the trauma, what good is AA?” To that I would suggest we actually investigate that excellent question rather than assume that the answer is “Nothing!” Let me issue my own personal spoiler alert and say this - I think that to the extent that mutual aid societies have been a helpful tool in recovery, in part it is because, hidden within the archaic language and repetitive structure, we discover some of the key elements that support and build resilience (antidote to trauma) in those who work the steps!

My thought is that these “new things” (alternative approaches to recovery) are super important AND we should take care and avoid taking a dismissive tone as it relates to AA and other groups.  I am convinced that AA, NA and the rest have some old and hard earned wisdom about recovery that fits nicely with our new-fangled ideas about trauma and resilience. If you are willing, I’d like to explore these concepts for a few days AND challenge us to consider how we might take these findings and use them to guide us in our own recovery journey.  With or without the 12 steps, building resilience is a recovery essential!

How are you doing in the area of trauma, healing and resiliency?

The Good Ole Days

Getting old has its advantages if you look hard enough. One of those advantages is the beautiful gift of experience.  Back in the old days when dinosaurs roamed the earth – you know, the 90’s….our local community had only a few options for treating substance use disorder.  

We suggested that everyone access and use the appropriate mutual aid society like AA, NA, etc. as their recovery resource.  As in all things there were exceptions. Some people were able to afford to kick start their recovery by going into an in-house treatment program.  There were outpatient programs as well. Whatever route a person chose, it ALWAYS led to AA or NA or the like. (Hence the oft heard phrase for folks coming out of treatment, “90 in 90”.)

Today we recognize that there are many pathways to recovery and I am all for this approach!  We are not making the progress we need in the area of treatment for substance use disorder - of course we need to keep trying new things!

But I have a deep and abiding respect for the 12 steps and those who work them. I have a hunch that, as time passes, research in the field of addiction and recovery will find ways to articulate why mutual aid societies have worked for many people trying to get sober and recover their lives.

For the next few days I’m going to talk about my opinions on the subject.  But first, I have to issue a strong warning and a few advisories!

Stay tuned!

A Prayer for Wednesday

Father, Give us a heart for earnest seeking.  Help us appreciate the value of unconditional love and the real risk associated with knowing that all our relationships are appropriately conditional.  Grant us the discernment to wisely understand that we can ruin relationships if we stubbornly resist change. Guide us as we navigate our own struggles with people who have betrayed us and for whom we have lost trust.  And in all these things pour your grace and mercy upon us for we are weak and without you we are hopeless.

Amen

Fear of Conflict

I hate conflict.  I don’t mind standing up against injustice on behalf of someone else but I hate hate hate conflict in my relationships.  One way I used to try to avoid conflict without actually resolving anything was to practice stonewalling. Stonewalling is when we avoid conflict while communicating disapproval, distance and separation by withdrawing from a relationship.  Some call it giving someone the “cold shoulder”. It’s fighting dirty because you do not give resolution a chance.

It’s also a bit cowardly.  If called out on it, we can always tell the person that they are crazy (which is called gaslighting by the way) and that we are not withdrawn, just tired or stressed out.  If we really work at this we can blame a whole bunch of people with an elaborate story that hides the truth of our own culpability - we are scared of conflict but we still want our pound of flesh.

Surprisingly, I did not learn how to reduce my stonewalling ways by learning how to fight more efficiently.  Instead, I’ve learned how to practice what Dr. John Gottman calls “physiological self-soothing.”

Here’s how it works.  When Pete brings up a touchy subject that we are having conflict over I immediately experience a visceral desire to run away and pout.  Instead of doing so, I try to tell the truth to myself. Ugh oh, Teresa, here you go again - you are considering stonewalling. If I can remember this and not react by doing this thing I instinctively want to do I can choose to do something different.  It looks like this:

“Hey, I hate this about me (acknowledge my feelings) but I really want to withdraw from you and this discussion (tell the truth).  I need your help (express my need rather than blame him in some way). I need to take a break from this discussion and do something that will help me calm down.  I am going to go distract myself with a nice, long walk. Can we reconvene this conversation in a couple hours?” This is an example of physiological self-soothing.  Walks work for me.

I cannot count the number of times I have left the house to walk and think about how my husband is a silly goose only to return with gratitude and appreciation for his perspective.  Stonewalling is not helpful but it is indicative that we are freaking out and under stress. Our work, our responsibility, our skill set to develop in situations like this? Physiological self-soothing.  Workout. Do a puzzle. Water your plants. Vacuum. Take a drive. Ride your bike. Go sit on a rock in the James river and thank God you live in such a cool place! It’s a great skill set and it can be done at anytime for no charge!  Try it!

P.S.  According to Gottman, you need at least twenty minutes to reset.  I require an hour!