Regulators

My grandson has a vast array of strong feelings with virtually no capacity to manage them.  He’s 18 months old so this is not only perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate, it is pretty darn cute.

Since infancy he has had an obsession with vacuuming.  My floors have never been this clean. But he has no LIMITS on how long he is willing to vacuum.  Inevitably, Pops and Meme wear out before he is ready to move on to another fun adventure. Like leaf blowing.

When we need to redirect him to another task, he learned very early how to dramatically present his dissenting viewpoint.  These responses are typically referred to as temper tantrums. I’ve never heard a kid yell “No!” with such conviction! Eventually our family strategized about our response and he gave up the ineffective foot stomping, vehement use of the word NO and the wild swinging of arms that looked suspiciously like a sucker punch.  But the kid still has strong feelings he needs to express. Lately he has picked up the most adorable response of growling! He growls.

My grandson, whether he realizes it or not, is developing the skill set of resiliency.  Resilient people know how to recognize and own strong feelings without being impulsive and out of control.  They know how to use their thinking to manage their feelings. For now, growling without temper tantrums seems acceptable emotional expression for an 18 month old.  If he’s still doing this when he is 40 years old, that problem will need to be addressed!

How are you doing with your own emotional regulation?  Do you react or respond when triggered? Do you have some developmentally appropriate physiological self-soothing techniques that are not illegal, immoral or fattening? A sign of maturity is the ability to respond, learn when to take a break, and how to self-soothe when we are emotionally wound up.

Learning and Listening

Resilient people are lifelong learners in some specific, measurable ways.  It turns out that as we continue to work hard to improve our communication and problem-solving skills, we are creating a deep reservoir of resiliency.  Who knew? Recently, I realized that I needed to redouble my own efforts at the communication skill of listening.

I never had a huge ego or even a modicum of confidence about my own parenting skills so I’ve been open to learning from my adult children (who are now parents) about child rearing. I believe that part of my responsibility as a grandparent is to respect my children’s parenting preferences.  Some of my friends find this offensive and this conflict has resulted in more than a few spirited conversations. They have reported to me that they managed to raise their own children, why should they need to bow to the whims of their adult children? My response was to counter argue that the parental units of these precious grandchildren will rightfully develop a deep and abiding suspicion that we may not be a safe person to babysit if we don’t respect their wishes.  In reply my friend said - “Exactly!!”

I was missing her point.  I was a poor listener the first 20 times we had this conversation.  I was wrong in believing the issue was that my friend was confused, ill-informed, and missing key information about grandparenting etiquette. Eventually I heard her - she doesn’t want unsupervised visitations!  She is perfectly ok with her children’s skepticism. She does NOT want to be left alone with her little ninja grandchildren.

Not only do resilient people continue to work on their relationship skills, they also figure out that we humans are all different AND THAT’S OK.  I’ve stopped suggesting to my friend that she perhaps consider the latest research on how to position a baby when they are asleep. She doesn’t need the information.  I was probably annoying her with my grandmother chit chat.

Resilient people, by virtue of their commitment to a particular set of skill work related to communication and conflict resolution end up with skills that are helpful and can be adapted to a wide variety of situations. Hooray for learning!  

Are there any repetitive frustrating conversations that you are having that might be eliminated by more careful listening on your part?

Be Reasonable

Resilient people are those who are able to see the world as it is, not as they wish it to be.  Looking through this lens, these realistic folks are able to make plans that are reasonable AND they carry these plans through to completion.  

Although flexibility is important, it is balanced with an ability to stay focused.  If we are going to follow through on our realistic goals, we need to learn how to be proactive, not reactive.

I realized at one point that I was feeling scattered (as opposed to flexible).  I might get to the end of a long day and have failed to accomplish even a modest task.  I, in an effort to be flexible and present for others, was constantly interrupting myself to answer emails and return phone calls.  This constant hopping from one technology to another left me drained.

I have strategies today to compensate for my tendency to flit from one crisis to the next.  Am I still flexible? I think so. But I’ve balanced that with a plan that includes the capacity to attend to and complete necessary tasks.  I’ve had to change the way I work in order to make this happen, which is also an example of being flexible and realistic!

How about you?  What do you need to reconsider in order to find balance and improve your resiliency?

Flexibility

Another component of resilience is the capacity to be flexible.  This is also key for emotional adjustment and maturity. Rigidity is not good for us.  I understand this because I read a lot of true crime books and of course, binge watch Criminal Minds like it is a part time job.  The really psychopathic demons on those shows inevitably are compulsive neat freaks. I am not suggesting that excessively neat people are serial killers but extreme rigidity is problematic!  The capacity to be flexible in terms of how we think, what we do, and even our core beliefs create the strength within us to have more resilience than the guy who demands precision and a rigid routine as a lifestyle choice.

Don’t buy the serial killer idea?  Ok, I can be FLEXIBLE.

Did you know that research indicates that folks who have messy offices tend to be more creative and better problem solvers than someone whose desk is arranged with military precision?

The promises of AA and the program itself asks participants to dare to believe that their whole attitude and outlook on life will change.  They expect and validate the concept of service to others. They talk about giving away what you have in order to keep what you received (meaning the gift of sobriety) through sharing experiences, strength and hope. This is often in the form of “12 stepping” and it involves going to help fellow sufferers in their time of need.  This is difficult and usually inconvenient work. I have found that overdoses and rough landings on “bottoms” rarely occur during office hours. This requires massive amounts of flexibility but lest we forget, it holds the promise of a better life for those who practice this service work.

How is your flexibility?  Are you able to bend your preferences to a higher power?  Can you go with the flow? Or do others find you difficult?

Belonging leads to resilience

If you participate at NSC this first point is going to feel sooo boring, but it is further confirmation that we are onto something when we nag, cajole, and entice our tribe to show up for one another!

It turns out that relationships are a key factor in whether or not a person has the capacity for resilience.  Resilient people have relationships (in and outside of the family) that offer love, encouragement, reassurance, acceptance, validation and the occasional dollop of accountability.  Being connected to others helps us practice skills necessary for sturdiness in the face of suffering and provide soft places to land when we trip and fall.

This is absolutely an essential thing to add to a life plan for those seeking a better life.  Because this is true, I continue my faithful support of the mutual aid societies as a viable element of any treatment plan.

Why?  Glad you asked!!

First, notice the language of AA, etc.  It’s “WE” this and “WE” that. They even have a saying, “Keep coming back; it works if you work it!”  Which is catchy and makes for a nice little chant at the end of a meeting - but here’s the rest of the story.

The mutual aid societies never ask us to get well in order to belong.  The only requirement for joining is the DESIRE to get sober. This is a beautiful way for desperate people to find a sense of belonging and connection and even shared purpose (get sober).  It turns out all of these elements help build...what? Yes! Resilience! Go team!

Are you taking the 12 steps for granted?  Do you long for something newer, shinier, perkier?  Maybe rethink that position!