Re-establishing a sense of purpose

Complaining is a way we discharge our anxiety - and I am really, really good at it.  But it is NOT a key component for building a decent life. One common complaint I hear comes from parents who report to me about how often their children complain about their NA or AA meetings.  I understand that there is plenty to complain about in almost every area of recovery work. But much of it misses the point.

Where else can someone go who has totally wrecked their life and find a whole room full of people who have wrecked their lives in pretty much the exact same way?  Where else are substance use disorder sufferers provided an opportunity to serve? Make coffee. Throw a dollar in a basket. Participate in a meeting. Go on a twelve step call.  Go out to eat afterwards with a group of fellow attendees. Give someone a ride. Ask for a ride and be given one without feeling like a burden? Be able to tell the truth about your life and have everyone nod in understanding and agreement?

Mutual aid societies and other organizations can serve as venues for helping others find purpose and meaning in their lives.  People who believe they have purpose and meaning in their daily living turn out to be amazingly resilient. This resiliency allows people to experience trauma without being wrecked by it.

Many people who struggle with stress-related diseases, depression, anxiety, substance use disorder and more...are folks who have experienced trauma!  In fact, we all experience trauma to one degree or another, don’t we?

Why is it that some of us can be traumatized and recover, even find meaning in it and eventually thrive after it while others cannot?  It is not the degree of the trauma, or even the frequency that determines our reaction. It is all about the resiliency.

Want to help people learn how to do hard things?  Support the tribes and causes that allow others to find meaning and purpose in their lives.  Even when it is hard.

Learning to do hard things

Most days if you ask me the root of my anxiety I will give you a ridiculously wrong response.  I will tell you that it is a function of my awareness of a world fraught with danger and my concern about others not paying attention and planning accordingly.

But what I have learned from my work with the Enneagram (it’s a tool for self-awareness) is that a more accurate way to explain my anxiety is to say that it stems from a profound lack of trust….in myself.

This is super interesting to me because it turns out that resilient people tend to have both a humble spirit and a high amount of self-confidence.  They imagine themselves to be capable of doing hard things.

Obvious right?  If we believe that we are competent, what do we have to fear?  We can handle what comes up in life.

My grandson has recently graduated to the steep steps and the big slide at the playground.  He doesn’t want to go up the gently sloping ramp anymore. That’s too easy. One particularly hot summer morning he was making his umpteenth trip up the steep steps and he said, “Meme, hard.”

I replied, “Are the steps hard to climb?”

“Uh huh,” he grunts.

And, because I am studying the skill of building resilience I knew how to respond.  I said, “These steps are hard; together, we can do hard things. You can do hard things buddy!”

He kept climbing.  He repeated in his baby language the phrase “Do hard things Meme.”

And I was so grateful that I knew to not insist he take the easy way up.  Are you encouraging yourself or someone you love to go easy? Maybe rethink that position.  WE can do hard things. As long as we realize that we are not alone, that it is a team effort, this is a message of resilience.  It is also great anti-anxiety medicine.

Fear and anxiety: The Usual Suspects

We all wrestle with fear and anxiety but not all of us realize the devastating effect chronic anxiety has on us.  My family of origin is a highly anxious system. But I didn’t realize that until I was in my forties. I thought I came from a family who was angry and irritable!  My lack of awareness in this area was a big problem for me and the family Pete and I built. This is the opposite of resilient because it indicates that I was (and can be) emotionally unaware.  This decreases problem solving, interferes with relationships, increases conflict and confusion, on and on the list goes of the ways I misidentified a problem in my family that resulted in me making poor attempts to resolve the issue.  

One summer I was in Atlanta visiting my folks while my kids and husband were on a mission trip in the inner city of Atlanta.  Part of the trip included a concert put on by our youth group at a large baptist church in the area of their ministry site. All were invited and I was so excited that my folks could come to an event where they could see my kids sing, meet people I cared about, and have exposure to the awesome work my church was doing through the youth group.

In case you are unaware, Atlanta has a lot of traffic and we chose to leave early to head across town.  As the natives can attest to, this is a long and arduous trek. KInd of like a safari without decent guides.  My folks sat in the front of the Suburban and I sat in the back in a way that was eerily reminiscent of my childhood.  Both of my parents began to talk about the traffic and express the likelihood that we were going to be a statistic on the mean streets of Atlanta before nightfall.  And in that moment I got it.

My folks weren’t angry they were anxious.  They weren’t a little anxious they were a LOT anxious.  Was traffic bad? Yes. Did my dad navigate it every single day without losing life or limb?  Yes. Did this chatter seem like an over-reaction? Yes. In the past, I would have gone to my mind palace and thought they were fussing at me or each other.  In that particular moment I realized that this is how they sound but not how they felt. Instead of getting irritated myself, I realized I was asking too much of them.  No one should be put in this position. I suggested that maybe it would be a better idea if they didn’t go. They could stay home (we were still in the driveway) and I would take my car.  I admitted that I didn’t realize how much this drive would make them feel so anxious and told them that I wasn’t feeling anxious about driving, so I could go and they could stay home. Dead silence.

We all went and lived to tell about it.  My mom thoroughly enjoyed the program and my dad enjoyed meeting all the people and charming them with his witty repartee.  Rarely did anxious moments like this go well between us even after this revelation on my part. I struggled to manage my own anxiety in situations like this and they did too.  But here’s the thing I took away from that encounter: as we increase our ability to identify and handle our strong emotions, sometimes conversations can be more meaningful than mean.

Find a place that supports your healing

Resilient people are more likely to become sturdy when their environment supports their developmental stage AND helps provide coping skills that foster health.  Mutual aid societies and many long term treatment facilities often serve to help participants not only get sober but grow up. Here are a few common phrases that AA uses to reinforce new ways of being in the world.  Notice how all of them support the work of resiliency training: First things first (responsibility), this too shall pass (patience), live and let live (boundaries), let go and let God (humility), time takes time (gentleness and grace), one day at a time (take care of yourself today), principles before personalities (big picture), cultivate an attitude of gratitude (find meaning), God doesn’t make junk (big picture), misery is optional (emotional regulation), etc.  

They use hokey slogans because in some intuitive way the early adopters knew that folks early in recovery needed a hook, a learning tool they could hold onto while they healed.  They didn’t have the science that we do today to teach them the extent of injury to the brain substance abuse causes, but they found a way to support healing nonetheless.

Are you getting the support you need to strengthen your areas of weakness as it relates to resiliency?  If not, what could you do differently? Who could you ask for help?

Regulators

My grandson has a vast array of strong feelings with virtually no capacity to manage them.  He’s 18 months old so this is not only perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate, it is pretty darn cute.

Since infancy he has had an obsession with vacuuming.  My floors have never been this clean. But he has no LIMITS on how long he is willing to vacuum.  Inevitably, Pops and Meme wear out before he is ready to move on to another fun adventure. Like leaf blowing.

When we need to redirect him to another task, he learned very early how to dramatically present his dissenting viewpoint.  These responses are typically referred to as temper tantrums. I’ve never heard a kid yell “No!” with such conviction! Eventually our family strategized about our response and he gave up the ineffective foot stomping, vehement use of the word NO and the wild swinging of arms that looked suspiciously like a sucker punch.  But the kid still has strong feelings he needs to express. Lately he has picked up the most adorable response of growling! He growls.

My grandson, whether he realizes it or not, is developing the skill set of resiliency.  Resilient people know how to recognize and own strong feelings without being impulsive and out of control.  They know how to use their thinking to manage their feelings. For now, growling without temper tantrums seems acceptable emotional expression for an 18 month old.  If he’s still doing this when he is 40 years old, that problem will need to be addressed!

How are you doing with your own emotional regulation?  Do you react or respond when triggered? Do you have some developmentally appropriate physiological self-soothing techniques that are not illegal, immoral or fattening? A sign of maturity is the ability to respond, learn when to take a break, and how to self-soothe when we are emotionally wound up.