The Problem with Crisis Management

When we have not practiced the skills of resiliency (see this article for a refresher on the concept) our perspective may need a major shift if we are going to get unstuck from the self-defeating patterns of fragility.  This is more than just a psychological construct; it is also biblical.  More on this later, but for now, let me say this:  I believe that the faithful foundations of belief lived out on a daily basis look remarkably like resilience!  With that in mind, let’s compare and contrast at-risk lifestyle perspectives that spring from unhealthy family systems versus the way resilient people operate in the world.

In unhealthy family systems, we are made to think we should know more than we do.  “I am surprised you did not know that!”  “How could you be so stupid?”  “Everyone knows…” are examples of too high expectations with too low parental nurture and guidance.

A healthier perspective - which is appropriate for our entire lives - includes the humble reality that no one knows everything!  There is always more to learn.  This does not make us stupid or “less than” - it’s called the human condition.  Out of this perspective we can become curious, inquisitive, have a sense of humor about our limitations, expect to make mistakes, on and on and on.  

In sick family systems making a mistake can have dire consequences.  In reasonably healthy families everyone makes mistakes, even the grown-ups.  No big deal.  This allows us to learn at an early age to take risks, helps us figure out how to assess risks and provides us with a better attitude when failures inevitably pop up.  

In stressed out families, successes are either overly emphasized or ignored.  In a shaming family, good is never good enough.  In a family desperate for a win, maybe the family hero gets TOO much attention for the good they do and TOO much blame for their inevitable and completely appropriate mistakes.  Healthy families celebrate large and small victories but without communicating that these victories are what holds the family together.  

In summary - stressed out families are in such a crisis mode that they are not thoughtful about their responses to one another.  Healthy families are thinking strategically; applying their core values consistently; feeling each event as it comes, not in a manic or depressed reaction to all the situations that surround that event.

Crisis management is not a good daily practice.  Can you see ways that crisis management has not been helpful in your life?  What changes could you make to give yourself wriggle room for a less chaotic life?

Victimization vs. Victimhood

It turns out that people get stuck when they believe that they are the victim in a situation - helpless and hopeless.  This is rarely true.  Victimized?  You bet.  Happens all the time.  The world can be a jungle and we can get badly hurt.  Victimization is when we are (objectively) hurt as a result of someone else's misdeeds.

But if we take on the identify of victim (victimhood) - part of that is our responsibility to stop.

When we act like we are victims, then we make a fatal mistake:  we give up our freedom to act in our own best interest.  Look, if you are one of those people who has been victimized, you have suffered enough.  Do NOT add insult to injury by allowing a past hurt to define you.

Here’s what we can DO:
* Act in our own best interest - this is not selfishness, this is self-care.  This does not preclude us from being kind and generous and giving.  But we are our own best advocates and we must act accordingly.
* Live consistently within our own core values.  This is hard work.  It means we have to decide for ourselves what those values and OWN them.  I have a friend who is working too many hours and drinking too much in order to fit in with the young up and comers at work.  This is not who this guy fundamentally wants to be.  He doesn’t realize it yet, but his wife is getting increasingly unhappy with him.  He is making a fear-based decision that is going to create big problems in the long run.  And it in no way guarantees that his work productivity will improve just because he is mastering the fine art of the bar crawl.  I think he might want to consider looking for a company to work in that fits his core values.  He is stuck, afraid this is his only option.  
* Think about consequences without getting overly concerned with what others think.  (See the example above.)  
* Figure out that it is human to make mistakes but divine to accept responsibility for our problems and without judgment or blaming others learn from them!

If you didn’t grow up learning these things, it is never too late to learn them today!

God was there before I knew I needed Him

Once I worked with a couple who had enjoyed a life of mutual pleasure in participating in the porn industry.  Then they both had a spiritual awakening, which is good news except for this one little problem:  they woke up with different dreams.

The guy thought that he could love Jesus and prostitutes; the wife thought that if she loved Jesus her husband had to stop loving on the prostitutes.  Eventually the marriage collapsed.  But I kind of understood the both perspectives.

“Hey, she used to be a willing participant!  Now she acts like I am a sinner of all sinners but she never mentions that this is a major shift in her perspective!  I feel duped. The bible says she should submit to me.  I feel like she is ridiculing me with this sanctimonious BS and demanding a divorce - which I personally think is a sin.  What’s up with THAT?”

Ok, he has a point.  His wife had made some shifts in her core values; he had made some shifts in his - but they were at odds. Should they or should they not get a divorce?  Is this an issue of a wife not submitting to her husband?  Or is this a husband committing adultery and thereby voiding the covenant of marriage?  

I do not know how to parse all this out on most days, but I know this, and it is a pretty important truth:

But anyone who needs wisdom should ask God, whose very nature is to give to everyone without a second thought, without keeping score. Wisdom will certainly be given to those who ask.  

James 1:5

All of us have issues; and sometimes these issues compete for our attention.  Many days they feel insurmountable.  But through it all, we need to take into account that God is not keeping score and he is willing to give us wisdom.  This is a huge promise.  No matter where we come from, not matter our past, God gives wisdom to all people without a second thought.  I think this encouragement speaks to us about the promise of a future hope if we allow our heavenly father to do for us what perhaps we haven’t received from other mortals.

I must be missing something

The lovely luncheon with the lady who was languishing in old, stuck patterns did not have all those wonderful supportive opportunities growing up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother.  If she had, then getting stuck would have been less likely.

When we experience encouragement, validation, support and all the other wonderful qualities of living in a reasonably healthy family, we tend to grow up becoming our own motivator.  We can rely less on others to tell us who we are and what to do and instead, have more clarity about our own dreams and capabilities.  This is important for realistic goal setting.

I regret not being a private investigator or maybe a detective.  I wish I had pursued my dream to become a doctor and go on to do brain research in an attempt to figure out how we humans work.  I THINK I had some ability to be athletically strong, if not particularly graceful, and I wish I had been given the opportunity at an early age to test that theory.  It didn’t happen.

Today, I understand why I wasn’t particularly dream-oriented in my twenties - I was in survival mode.  But by the time I was in my 30’s, I had acquired mentors, a husband who believed in me, and a best friend who thought I was capable.  I would say that I had some catching up to do, but I plugged away at it and today I am not only reasonably happy but completely passionate about my calling and my opportunities to dream and dare to participate with my tribe in trying to make the world a better place.

I swing for the fences sometimes - and it’s true - rarely has my ball made it over the far wall.  But I’m ok with that.  Because I am realistic.  I keep messing up, but I do NOT keep messing up in the same way!  This, my friends, is the best I can do and I am ok with that.

How about you?  No support?  Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people.  This is a problem that you can solve.  You can change who you hang out with.  I encouraged my lunch date to think about who she was allowing to speak into her life.  I invited her to change the dance by changing her dance partners.  It really helped me and I do not think I am unique.

May you remember your dreams, your limitations, and your capacity.  May you push yourself a bit more than you are comfortable.  May you trust God to provide for the gap between what you think you need and what you believe you have at your disposal.  Now, go take on the day!

I bet you think this song is about you...don't you?

Whether you are a spouse, a parent, an employer, or a friend, there are some healthy ways we can encourage others that will NOT come natural if we haven’t seen others encourage us.  This is what we can aim for in our relationships - check them out!

* Some parents only encourage their children in areas that the parent has interest in.  Dad likes fishing for example, but the kid wants to play soccer.  Dad buys the kid a fishing rod.  This is selfish.  And tricky, because kids want to please their parents.  We have to be careful to elicit from others their dreams and desires without coercing them.  To this day I have trouble figuring out my preferences for almost anything.  I didn’t practice this skill set as a child.  Listen to folks; listen up for their preferences;  don’t fall for the old, “I don’t care, what do YOU want?” line.  
* Help others gradually figure out their own ways of being in the world.  This pretty much starts with listening to others’ thoughts, feelings and ways of doing things.  Of course, there need to be age-appropriate boundaries AND we must encourage realistic goals.  But beware of trying to manage your own anxiety by forcing others into your way of being.
* When children, employees, spouses, and friends object to something - pay attention.  If we have been controlled by others, we might mistake this natural way of being for someone trying to control us.  That’s not it!!!  It’s ok for children to be ready to “get down” from their high chair if they have eaten lunch.  Their attention spans are short!  Sometimes a person states a preference and we cannot accommodate them.  That’s ok, just say so without getting defensive or blaming them for asking.
* Encourage one another to go beyond our comfort zone; take risks; push the boundaries of our dreams.  When a family is not well, there is too much drama and chaos to accommodate trying and failing.  

Leave room in relationships for some healthy failure!!