Encourage who you can

Even the most resilient person can fail to thrive without necessary support and encouragement.  We were working late last night when a young adult showed up in a desperate state.
He immediately began to tell us how he had ruined his life; it was all his fault; he needed help but could totally understand why no one would help him.

Scott replied, “I think it is a bit more complicated than that.”  He provided resources appropriate to the situation as we understood it.  As always, it felt too little for so much need.  
This person wasn’t able to hear much.  He wasn’t really comfortable in our presence.  But there was no way we were going to let him leave without a bit of encouragement.

Maybe this simple sentence feels like it offers little in the way of comfort.  But what we discover over and over again is that suffering people are rarely able to receive much more than a small dose, the tiniest hint of feedback that just because a person has done a lot of naughty things, it doesn’t mean that they are people who do not deserve dignity and respect.
We are not as resilient as we once were as a culture.  Our infighting and name calling and judging and blaming and shaming of one another has become a cultural norm.  This must stop.  This is killing us all.  

How can you encourage others today?  Even people you disagree with at every turn - how can you put more encouragement into the world?

Know when to rest

Highly resilient people are not necessarily hard charging, extroverted type A kind of people.  In fact, the capacity to rest, process distressing situations and learn from mistakes (if any) means that resilient people know when to take a break.  And they do so.

Another healthy habit is developing the skill set of being present in the moment with one eye on the future.  After one takes stock of the past, makes notes and plans and develops practices that take into account past failures and upsets, resilient folks learn how to let go, get back to living life on life’s terms, stop ruminating and obsession and reject bitterness or despair as appropriate responses.

So breathe.  But don’t vegetate.

How are you doing with these skills?

Why so resentful?

Have you ever felt mad at the world and had no clue why?  Rigidity can do that to a person!  In many ways resentment is bred and multiplies as we continue to have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, others and the world around us.

It is taking this thought to far to say that we should have NO expectations.  But when we struggle with rigid attitudes and resentment, chances are our expectations are out of control.
When we drive we expect people to stop for red lights and go through green ones, right?  But we all know certain intersections where for whatever reason people do not live up to our expectations.  (Richmonders will know that the intersection of Robious Road and Huguenot Road fits that category.)  Experience teaches us to pause, verify and then proceed with caution through that particular intersection.  We may have an expectation that people should know better but experience teaches us that this is unrealistic.  In this situation, a resilient person knows to manage their expectations.  They are extra cautious; they plan for reality. 

For years I would experience frustration as I go through that intersection and daily watch people run red lights trying to beat the clock.  Today, after practicing my skills, I proceed with caution and manage my expectations by being honest about the way Richmonders handle that stretch of road.  No more resentment.

Denial - an often unconscious commitment to fight a losing battle with reality also creates resentment.  It may be extremely scary to face the truth about our families of origin, our marriages and especially our children with mental health issues or a substance use disorder.  But as we fight off acknowledgement, as facts present themselves that challenge our fantasy living, one symptom is resentment!

Any signs in your life that there are some realities in need of addressing?  Resilient people face these troubles head on.  Be that!

Living with Loss

My grandson has not yet hit a trauma (that I know of).  Last weekend we were sitting outside and a big hawk flew over - darkly silhouetted against a beautiful bright blue sky, unusual in its brightness for a Virginia summer day.  He looked up and gasped for air, which he does when excited.  He clapped his little hands together in delight.  He cooed and pointed and said, “Meme look.  Big turd.”  Which of course means bird in baby speak.

He gets equally excited when his Pops hands him a peanut butter track (cracker).  I have a video I will show you if you are lucky and ask nice!

I just love the eager anticipation and total unfettered joy of a baby brain.  

When we suffer losses, live with trauma or inconsistency, fail to receive nurturance, we lose our spark of joy.  Instead, we develop coping skills.  If we don’t get help, these coping skills can become debilitating handicaps.  What worked for a scared and lonely ten year old may not be extremely effective for a middle aged person with three kids, a mortgage, and a career that demands a lot of critical thinking.

One common response is rigidity.  We cannot flex.  We up our attempts to control anything that we can because we have learned that there is a lot that we cannot control.  The other companion to rigidity is often resentment.  The birth and blooming development of my grandson reminds me why this is the case.

We were created for joy.  Our senses are equipped to notice and appreciate a big hawk sailing across an azure sky.  Peanut butter is a treat!  Crackers are crunchy and delicious!  People love to give us good gifts and we enjoy giving to others.  

When we are kids we may lose our sparkle and for a time there may not be much we can do about it.  But as we grow and develop independence, we can change all that.  Sadly, many of us do not.

Today, if you can bear up under the weight of it, imitate my grandson.  Ask people for stuff!  Sit in a chair and look up.  What do you see?  Stand barefoot in dewy grass.  Take a walk and watch the landscape not your pedometer.  Eat a dessert (one).  Put cream in your coffee.  Wear your favorite shoes.  Play a round of golf.  Phone a friend and waste time just chatting.  Mostly, figure out what brings you joy and go get some!  

Resilient people absorb joy on a regular basis.  Do that!

Worst-case Scenarios

Hope is not believing that everything will work out in the end.  That is wishful thinking.  Things do not always work out well.  It’s false advertising to insist that someone in deep suffering should just perk up because God is going to work everything out.  

According to whose expectations?  That’s the rub.  And that is why we cannot say that all things work out in the end.  I know, you want me to consider the passage that says - We know that God works all things together for good for the ones who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose.  

~ Romans 8:28 CEB

But that presumes the conditions mentioned in the quote!  And just because things work together for good does not mean it will work out alright for the every individual.  What we know is that God is alive and well and at work among us.  And that his work is good.  But that doesn’t mean that every situation will be a big win for each of us.

When faced with calamity, we have choices. Some good; others problematic.  Let’s consider some options:

1.  We can ignore the problem and hope it resolves itself.  This works sometimes, but it is a risky gamble.  I once worked in an office where one of the employees would jam the printer and then skulk away without fixing the problem.  People of course caught on.  Soon various office mates were swiping the print cartridge and leaving clues for the rest of the team to find it - but the evil doer was never let in on the secret.  He wasted untold hours waiting for the machine to magically become operational.  No lessons were ever learned about copy machine etiquette that I can recall.
2. We can acknowledge the problem, face it head on, and figure out what to do next.  We approach the problem as often as needed and try a variety of strategies.  We look at problems as an experiment that needs resolving, not an impossibility that we need to fight, flee or freeze over.
3. We can blame others for the problem.  This might make us feel momentarily better but it also makes it harder for us to resolve the issue because everyone is so busy defending their honor that they allow the problem to flourish.

There are a host of other options - but which of these sounds like it most fits the skills associated with resiliency?  Obvious, right?  Option 2.  What problem do you need to face head on but are delaying making a move?  What is blocking you?  What support might you need to ask for?