Build each other up

So continue encouraging each other and building each other up, just like you are doing already.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 CEB

Recently a mom and dad came to me in the hopes that I could help them figure out what to do.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I had a few ideas, offered a couple of options.  But honestly, I didn’t know.

What I did know was that I could encourage them.  For real, not just patronize them with platitudes or false confidence.  Certainty is not all it is cracked up to be, because it isn’t real.  Nothing is certain.  There is no one right way.  

Here are a few ways that I find encouraging:

* I am encouraged when someone is willing to listen to my endless need to verbally process.  I can tell the difference between someone listening and being humored - I bet you can too.  Not everyone is equipped for such hard work as presence, active listening and such.  It’s ok.  We all bring different gifts to relationships.  
* I am encouraged when I witness joy and curiosity and playfulness in others.  This is not my strong suit and when I am able to see how it is done, it provides me a good example to follow.
* I am encouraged when I am on a team that cooperates, appreciates, respects and laughs together.  I love working and playing with people who sincerely love one another.  In our community, we are exceedingly blessed to have a lot of love among us.
* I am encouraged when I get a good night’s sleep.
* I am encouraged when I have time in nature.
* I am encouraged by the resilience and courage and hope I see in families who work recovery.
* I am encouraged by people who hold fast to faith in a world where having faith is no longer cool.

What encourages you?

Encourage who you can

Even the most resilient person can fail to thrive without necessary support and encouragement.  We were working late last night when a young adult showed up in a desperate state.
He immediately began to tell us how he had ruined his life; it was all his fault; he needed help but could totally understand why no one would help him.

Scott replied, “I think it is a bit more complicated than that.”  He provided resources appropriate to the situation as we understood it.  As always, it felt too little for so much need.  
This person wasn’t able to hear much.  He wasn’t really comfortable in our presence.  But there was no way we were going to let him leave without a bit of encouragement.

Maybe this simple sentence feels like it offers little in the way of comfort.  But what we discover over and over again is that suffering people are rarely able to receive much more than a small dose, the tiniest hint of feedback that just because a person has done a lot of naughty things, it doesn’t mean that they are people who do not deserve dignity and respect.
We are not as resilient as we once were as a culture.  Our infighting and name calling and judging and blaming and shaming of one another has become a cultural norm.  This must stop.  This is killing us all.  

How can you encourage others today?  Even people you disagree with at every turn - how can you put more encouragement into the world?

Know when to rest

Highly resilient people are not necessarily hard charging, extroverted type A kind of people.  In fact, the capacity to rest, process distressing situations and learn from mistakes (if any) means that resilient people know when to take a break.  And they do so.

Another healthy habit is developing the skill set of being present in the moment with one eye on the future.  After one takes stock of the past, makes notes and plans and develops practices that take into account past failures and upsets, resilient folks learn how to let go, get back to living life on life’s terms, stop ruminating and obsession and reject bitterness or despair as appropriate responses.

So breathe.  But don’t vegetate.

How are you doing with these skills?

Why so resentful?

Have you ever felt mad at the world and had no clue why?  Rigidity can do that to a person!  In many ways resentment is bred and multiplies as we continue to have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, others and the world around us.

It is taking this thought to far to say that we should have NO expectations.  But when we struggle with rigid attitudes and resentment, chances are our expectations are out of control.
When we drive we expect people to stop for red lights and go through green ones, right?  But we all know certain intersections where for whatever reason people do not live up to our expectations.  (Richmonders will know that the intersection of Robious Road and Huguenot Road fits that category.)  Experience teaches us to pause, verify and then proceed with caution through that particular intersection.  We may have an expectation that people should know better but experience teaches us that this is unrealistic.  In this situation, a resilient person knows to manage their expectations.  They are extra cautious; they plan for reality. 

For years I would experience frustration as I go through that intersection and daily watch people run red lights trying to beat the clock.  Today, after practicing my skills, I proceed with caution and manage my expectations by being honest about the way Richmonders handle that stretch of road.  No more resentment.

Denial - an often unconscious commitment to fight a losing battle with reality also creates resentment.  It may be extremely scary to face the truth about our families of origin, our marriages and especially our children with mental health issues or a substance use disorder.  But as we fight off acknowledgement, as facts present themselves that challenge our fantasy living, one symptom is resentment!

Any signs in your life that there are some realities in need of addressing?  Resilient people face these troubles head on.  Be that!

Living with Loss

My grandson has not yet hit a trauma (that I know of).  Last weekend we were sitting outside and a big hawk flew over - darkly silhouetted against a beautiful bright blue sky, unusual in its brightness for a Virginia summer day.  He looked up and gasped for air, which he does when excited.  He clapped his little hands together in delight.  He cooed and pointed and said, “Meme look.  Big turd.”  Which of course means bird in baby speak.

He gets equally excited when his Pops hands him a peanut butter track (cracker).  I have a video I will show you if you are lucky and ask nice!

I just love the eager anticipation and total unfettered joy of a baby brain.  

When we suffer losses, live with trauma or inconsistency, fail to receive nurturance, we lose our spark of joy.  Instead, we develop coping skills.  If we don’t get help, these coping skills can become debilitating handicaps.  What worked for a scared and lonely ten year old may not be extremely effective for a middle aged person with three kids, a mortgage, and a career that demands a lot of critical thinking.

One common response is rigidity.  We cannot flex.  We up our attempts to control anything that we can because we have learned that there is a lot that we cannot control.  The other companion to rigidity is often resentment.  The birth and blooming development of my grandson reminds me why this is the case.

We were created for joy.  Our senses are equipped to notice and appreciate a big hawk sailing across an azure sky.  Peanut butter is a treat!  Crackers are crunchy and delicious!  People love to give us good gifts and we enjoy giving to others.  

When we are kids we may lose our sparkle and for a time there may not be much we can do about it.  But as we grow and develop independence, we can change all that.  Sadly, many of us do not.

Today, if you can bear up under the weight of it, imitate my grandson.  Ask people for stuff!  Sit in a chair and look up.  What do you see?  Stand barefoot in dewy grass.  Take a walk and watch the landscape not your pedometer.  Eat a dessert (one).  Put cream in your coffee.  Wear your favorite shoes.  Play a round of golf.  Phone a friend and waste time just chatting.  Mostly, figure out what brings you joy and go get some!  

Resilient people absorb joy on a regular basis.  Do that!