What is your biggest problem?

I asked my community the question “What is your biggest problem?” and here are some of the answers I received: the State of the Union, the media, joblessness, brain cancer, a spouse’s cheating ways, a child’s substance use disorder, a bankruptcy, infertility and a toxic work environment. My favorite response was this one: selfishness on my part.

Problems do come in all shapes and sizes, and as my grandmother used to say, “Honey, it takes two to tango.” Meaning, of course, that a problem usually can be divided up among all parties even if the split is a little uneven.

Let me ask this again: WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM?

I have a friend who once was married to a really bad man; it was very difficult but she eventually was able to get out of the abusive situation and move away to protect herself. I am absolutely convinced that she saved her life and possibly the life of her child by doing the very hard and brave things she did to end this marriage.

Today, she’s turned around and married another man and HE’S turned out to be the slapping around kind too. Before you are tempted to think “What’s HER problem?”, consider this:

How many times has the doctor suggested you change a particular habit to improve your health (lose weight, stop drinking to give your fatty liver a break, stop eating gluten, stop having unprotected sex with strangers, reduce your carbohydrate intake to get your blood sugar under control, etc.) and you just cannot stop gaining weight, drinking, eating gluten, having sex with strangers, or eating carbs in excess? I thought so. #metoo

I have a theory. In my friend’s case, throughout the long road to divorce and safety, the most obvious problem was that her husband could NOT stop rearranging her face. His issue was a doozy and was super obvious once she stopped trying to hide it with spackled-on makeup and long sleeves. In fact, her entire team kept telling her, “Your husband has a problem.” Which is factually true. I said it myself. But what I did not intend for her to hear was, “Your husband has a problem and your problems will all go away if you leave him.”

What she needed to know, as we all do, is that after she got herself and child to safety, her NEXT biggest problem that would need exploration and intention was to figure out her own vulnerabilities and compulsivities. (More on this later.) I understand that sometimes abusers are extremely clever and really smart people never see it coming until they get smacked in the face - and even then, it is confusing to figure out what is going on. AND. All of us have vulnerabilities that assault our good sense and leave us with patterns of repetitive, habitual, unconscious ways of thinking, feeling and doing that are stumbling blocks for living a healthy and reasonably happy life. This is a problem that she needed to address. She did not. The pattern has returned. She thinks she has lousy luck with men. I think it is far more complicated than a run of bad luck.

To be continued…

Why does this keep happening to me?

Ever asked yourself that question? I have. Years ago our family was in a car accident as we returned from a Thanksgiving holiday weekend in D.C. It was a rainy Sunday morning, the roads were slick, and we were almost home. Pete later reported that as he drove down interstate 95 that morning he thought about how much he loved our minivan, which he had found used for an excellent price. I was breathing a sigh of relief. We had managed to drive down 95 in pouring rain without too much traffic or witnessing a horrible accident.

Two miles from home a young man delivering pizza lost control of his car while fiddling with his radio and slid into us head on. We were almost stopped when he hit us as Pete saw him fishtailing along Forest Hill Avenue. It totaled our car; I sustained a concussion and later developed cataracts from the impact of the airbag. Otherwise, it was just super scary. Friends came and loaded up our travel gear, we went home and dealt with the aftermath.

The other driver’s car had made impact on the back side panel of his sliding vehicle. He then careened off the road on the other side and disappeared down a small embankment. Our car was smoking and we didn’t know why so we were scrambling to get out, afraid it was going to catch on fire. (We later learned that airbags smoke after they deploy.) After the drama of those early moments, it occurred to our daughter to wonder about the other guy.

As she began asking about his well-being, here he comes wobbling up the little hill. Obviously shaken, my daughter asks, “Are you OK?”

He replied, “Man, why does this stuff keeping happening to me? Last week I had an accident and the week before that I got a ticket. I don’t understand why I have such bad luck.” If you know my daughter you realize that this was a strategic error on his part. She explained to him in no uncertain terms that the only common denominator in all those events was him. And perhaps he should take some time to consider his choices and his driving capability. This guy, like the rest of us, was NOT making the connection between his actions and his outcomes.

For the next few days, I am going to talk about why this is such a dangerous and common error on the part of humanity, and each of us individually. It is having a huge impact on our spiritual lives. Our spiritual lives have a tremendous impact on how we see, interact with, and affect the world. This is a big deal. The reason that we sometimes feel like a particular kind of bad experience is picking on us may be, in part, because we are managing our life in such a way as to make that pattern of behavior and consequences not only likely, but inevitable. I can say this to you because it is also true for me, so I am here with my heart in my hands as I say this: there is just stuff about each of us that we are not getting, and it is impacting us and others in a negative way. I’m sorry but it is true. Want to change? I know you do! But there is a powerful internal resistance to making the necessary changes that we need to talk about.

To be continued…

Unpacking a new theory of forgiveness: Part II

By my way of thinking, forgiveness is either an action or a lack of action. Depending on circumstances, forgiveness is either 1. treating the wrongdoer as if no offense has occurred or 2. refusing to demand repayment from the wrongdoer.

Yesterday we addressed number 1. Here’s number 2.

2. Inaction.

Major offenses possess the capacity to upend our entire lives. Offenses occur on a spectrum, of course, and they may be significant without being life altering, but the potential is there nonetheless. When I say “inaction,” I mean that we refuse to retaliate. This is not the same thing as treating the wrongdoer as if no wrong has occurred. Treating the wrongdoer as if no wrongdoing has occurred implies that the relationship proceeds on the same trajectory that is was on prior to the offense. When it comes to major offenses, a “new normal” must be established. That new normal, presumably, involves relational distance. The amount of distance depends on the nature of the relationship and the nature of the offense but, in essence, inaction becomes a legitimately good thing to do when our realistic choices are either 1. retaliate or 2. do nothing. It is my opinion that doing nothing is a morally, responsibly, and faithfully good thing to do when the realistic alternative is retaliation.

Christians are not prone to give themselves credit for inaction- but I am convinced that this is both good and necessary (at times).

Unpacking a new theory of forgiveness

By my way of thinking, forgiveness is either an action or a lack of action. Depending on circumstances, forgiveness is either 1. treating the wrongdoer as if no offense has occurred or 2. refusing to demand repayment from the wrongdoer.

1. Action.

Minor offenses can be overlooked. When someone leaves dirty dishes in the sink despite the fact that you’ve asked them not to, you honestly do not need to demand repayment (in other words, retaliate). You do not need to make passive aggressive remarks (like I do) about their cleanliness or lack of respect of some such thing like that. You really can go about your business, even if you’re annoyed. It takes discipline and practice, but you can do it. And you can do it because the offense is minor and not worth the additional conflict that comes from demanding repayment. In this way, we may treat our wrongdoer (perhaps an overly harsh term when it comes to minor offenses) as if no wrong has occurred. I am considering this an “active” process because it is all about the ways in which we tangibly (and positively) respond to the wrongdoer.

We may also choose this option for larger harms, if we’re able. But, here are some issues to consider first:

Are you treating your offender as if no wrong has occurred simply to avoid confrontation? (This would be avoidance, not forgiveness.)

Are you treating your offender as if no wrong has occurred because you do not think you deserve to be heard? (This would be a sign that you do not respect yourself, not a sign of forgiveness.)

Are you treating your offender as if no wrong has occurred because you think you deserve the harm you received? (This would be a sign that you have a shame issue to confront elsewhere, not a sign of forgiveness.)

Are you treating your offender as if no wrong has occurred because you’re more concerned with that person’s experience than your own? (This would be a sign of codependency to confront elsewhere, not a sign of forgiveness.)

In short, we want to make sure we’re choosing the appropriate behavior (action vs. inaction) for the proper reason. Forgiveness is never about running away from a problem or denying that a problem even exists. If that is what drives our action (or inaction) then we have misunderstood. Forgiveness is always, always, about confronting the harsh realities of life. We may choose not to retaliate in response to the harsh realities of life but we do so consciously, knowing that this does not minimize the offense but, instead, spreads the love of God over his creation.

How can forgiveness be an action?

What if forgiveness is an action? What if forgiveness is about something as simple as not demanding compensation for wrongdoing (similar to God’s instructions about forgiving debts)? It’s not obvious that forgiveness would be an action, I understand. So, what kind of action am I talking about? I’m going to go through this slowly for the sake of clarity. Please bear with.

Over the next few days I’m going to explore a new “theory” of forgiveness that I am working on. It will be different. Some people will love it, some people will hate it. But, we’ll all be better off if we engage in the process of working through these ideas together. Comment on the posts. Let me know what the strong points are and what the weak points are. I don’t promise to agree (though I will agree at times, naturally)- but I do promise to engage. We all are better off when we engage with each other. Here goes:

What is Forgiveness about?

Forgiveness is about what we do or don’t do in response to an offense. Notice what I did not include here: I did not include feelings or emotions language. I’m not suggesting feelings are unimportant when it comes to forgiveness, I am merely suggesting they are of secondary importance to our actions. We have been trained to think of forgiveness only in emotional terms but, it’s my theory, based on the dynamics of biblical metaphors (go back a few days to see our readings of Deut. 15 and Matt. 18 on this), that forgiveness is primarily the action we take towards (or against) our wrongdoers. I’ll unpack this tomorrow.

Why is this important?

It frees us from worrying over that which is beyond our control: our feelings. And, it forces us to focus on what we can control: our actions towards our offenders.