How committed ARE we?

I am ready to be approached by those who do not study me, ready to be found by those who do not seek me. I say, “I am here, I am here” to people who do not even invoke my name.” Isaiah 65:1

Having had a spiritual awakening in middle school, once we moved to Richmond, VA my spirituality got sleepy and fell into an exhausted slumber. Without the support of the friend and her family to gently guide me toward the light, I floundered and soon gave up on God.

That of course did not preclude God from continuing to love on me. I can name a hundred little encounters with folks that could have stirred my consciousness, but I had gotten busy taking care of myself. This meant I needed to provide for my own sense of security and approval in the world. In 1973 my world was Midlothian High School and that was my battle ground.

As prom chairman that year, my friends seemed concerned that I get a date and of course, I wanted to go. So when I guy I hardly knew, a Senior who some considered quite a catch asked me out I said yes. I was not interested in him in any way except for this one thing: he was going to the prom driving his dad’s purple Corvette. I LOVED that car. I cannot tell you how many stores I went to until I found the perfect dress, really cute by 1973 standards, to match that car. I went to great lengths and it cost me a pretty penny. I made less than $1.50 an hour and I spent over $100 on that dress. If you are a math person, you can figure out the cost per hour. But if you are not, let me bottom line this for you: I made a commitment.

Sometimes when I am particularly disappointed in my lack of progress in the change department (much less transformation), I ask myself: How committed am I to surrendering to the process of spiritual transformation? Am I committed when there is a big crisis and I need a bunch of support? Am I committed when I am afraid a big crisis looms ahead for me or the ones I love? Am I committed when life is going along AOK and is even a little boring? Am I committed when it is inconvenient, annoying, or requires something of me that disrupts my habits that promise to soothe my jangled nerves? Am I committed when the follow through is difficult and taxing? Am I as committed to the process of transformation and my part in it as I was to that purple dress?

Squinting in the fog

We don’t yet see things clearly: We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 1 Corinthians 13:12 MSG

I want to talk to you about meaningful change. I believe at the core of ANY problem there is a spiritual component. I am NOT talking about sin. I am thinking about transformation. Transformation is NOT the same as change. Take for example peanut butter - one of my favorite anti-anxiety meds. If I get anxious, I run into the kitchen, open the pantry pretending I am looking for a nutritious snack, then end up with a spoon in one hand and the peanut butter jar in another. Mesmerizingly effective, a spoonful (or three) of peanut butter does something for me. In this example, peanut butter is my crack. It promises to solve one problem (anxiety) but contributes to my guilt and shame when I cannot fit into my favorite little black dress. Over the years, I promised to stop using peanut butter for the wrong reasons. What I refused to address was my anxiety. Peanut butter is seductive but not created to address my fears. Instead of taking a deep dive into dealing with the real issue, I kept looking for peanut butter substitutes. Something with less fat, fewer calories. A kind of peanut butter that would uphold its siren’s call promise to calm me without any...CONSEQUENCES. That is me trying to CHANGE. That is not transformation. This is me trying to figure out how to change without transforming.

Transformation is a metamorphosis. It’s a caterpillar into a butterfly kind of thing. If we look up its definition, we find words like: change of composition, substance, and character. Change is replacing one habit with another. Transformation is changing our DNA. It changes our personality, thoughts, feelings and actions as a by-product of a change of heart. It requires something that we cannot achieve through our best efforts. Progress can be made with regard to a habit but it takes more than white knuckles and the threat of eviction hanging over our heads or an ill-fitting dress to produce meaningful, lasting change - transformation. Transformation is a gift from God. It seems to require us to have enough clarity to realize that the biggest issue in any problem that is our responsibility to address are the issues related to ourselves.

My friend who acquires abusive husbands eventually comes to believe that the abuse is a problem and it is her spouse’s fault - and it is. Totally. No excuses. Completely wrong. But that is the problem that lies outside herself. And this is when it gets sticky and problematical.

IF MY FRIEND IDENTIFIED THE PROBLEM AS ONE ONLY OUTSIDE HERSELF SHE IS NOT MOTIVATED OR PARTICULARLY AWARE OF THE OTHER PROBLEMS THAT WERE HERS TO OWN AND DEAL WITH. This is a big deal. Please do not hear me blaming the victim. She is a victim of domestic violence. Period. And she is more than that too. She is not responsible for his abusive behaviors; she has the opportunity, however, to make different choices about the men she hangs out with.

To be continued…

If it weren't for bad luck...

Yesterday I mentioned a friend who has married abusive husbands two times. She thinks she is unlucky at love. I think more is going on. Here is what I think is happening: she is believing that her problems lie outside herself (and she is right). But that is not the ONLY problem.

I wonder if she notices the connection between her patterns (repetitive, habitual, compulsive patterns that she uses to soothe her anxieties and frustrations) and the effect of these patterns on her outcomes (hooking up with and marrying abusive men). My girlfriend, like the young man who hit our car, thinks she is unlucky at love. This is not a case of bad luck.

When tornadoes struck our community this fall one man died when his building was crushed by the tornado. That was extremely bad luck for him. The rest of his team made it out alive. God was not smiting him, he didn’t deserve to lose his life in a freak accident. A weather event led to his untimely and very sad demise.

The young man who caused our accident when he crossed into our lane was an objectively poor driver. His driving record proved it. In fact, it was completely predictable that this young man would continue to have accidents unless he changed his driving habits.

My friend has some beliefs (a man completes her), fears (she cannot take care of herself), and frustrations (does not like living in a modest home without a pool and a platinum American Express). You see where this leads?

These are examples of denial. We do not see ourselves and our choices clearly. These are examples of resistance. We resist change, especially when change is hard. The changes we need to make are very very hard ones. They will require intentionality and a conscious attempt to resist our own resistance!

I wonder what patterns we are each missing? And what it is costing us.

We don’t yet see things clearly: We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

1 Corinthians 13:12 MSG

What is your biggest problem?

I asked my community the question “What is your biggest problem?” and here are some of the answers I received: the State of the Union, the media, joblessness, brain cancer, a spouse’s cheating ways, a child’s substance use disorder, a bankruptcy, infertility and a toxic work environment. My favorite response was this one: selfishness on my part.

Problems do come in all shapes and sizes, and as my grandmother used to say, “Honey, it takes two to tango.” Meaning, of course, that a problem usually can be divided up among all parties even if the split is a little uneven.

Let me ask this again: WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM?

I have a friend who once was married to a really bad man; it was very difficult but she eventually was able to get out of the abusive situation and move away to protect herself. I am absolutely convinced that she saved her life and possibly the life of her child by doing the very hard and brave things she did to end this marriage.

Today, she’s turned around and married another man and HE’S turned out to be the slapping around kind too. Before you are tempted to think “What’s HER problem?”, consider this:

How many times has the doctor suggested you change a particular habit to improve your health (lose weight, stop drinking to give your fatty liver a break, stop eating gluten, stop having unprotected sex with strangers, reduce your carbohydrate intake to get your blood sugar under control, etc.) and you just cannot stop gaining weight, drinking, eating gluten, having sex with strangers, or eating carbs in excess? I thought so. #metoo

I have a theory. In my friend’s case, throughout the long road to divorce and safety, the most obvious problem was that her husband could NOT stop rearranging her face. His issue was a doozy and was super obvious once she stopped trying to hide it with spackled-on makeup and long sleeves. In fact, her entire team kept telling her, “Your husband has a problem.” Which is factually true. I said it myself. But what I did not intend for her to hear was, “Your husband has a problem and your problems will all go away if you leave him.”

What she needed to know, as we all do, is that after she got herself and child to safety, her NEXT biggest problem that would need exploration and intention was to figure out her own vulnerabilities and compulsivities. (More on this later.) I understand that sometimes abusers are extremely clever and really smart people never see it coming until they get smacked in the face - and even then, it is confusing to figure out what is going on. AND. All of us have vulnerabilities that assault our good sense and leave us with patterns of repetitive, habitual, unconscious ways of thinking, feeling and doing that are stumbling blocks for living a healthy and reasonably happy life. This is a problem that she needed to address. She did not. The pattern has returned. She thinks she has lousy luck with men. I think it is far more complicated than a run of bad luck.

To be continued…

Why does this keep happening to me?

Ever asked yourself that question? I have. Years ago our family was in a car accident as we returned from a Thanksgiving holiday weekend in D.C. It was a rainy Sunday morning, the roads were slick, and we were almost home. Pete later reported that as he drove down interstate 95 that morning he thought about how much he loved our minivan, which he had found used for an excellent price. I was breathing a sigh of relief. We had managed to drive down 95 in pouring rain without too much traffic or witnessing a horrible accident.

Two miles from home a young man delivering pizza lost control of his car while fiddling with his radio and slid into us head on. We were almost stopped when he hit us as Pete saw him fishtailing along Forest Hill Avenue. It totaled our car; I sustained a concussion and later developed cataracts from the impact of the airbag. Otherwise, it was just super scary. Friends came and loaded up our travel gear, we went home and dealt with the aftermath.

The other driver’s car had made impact on the back side panel of his sliding vehicle. He then careened off the road on the other side and disappeared down a small embankment. Our car was smoking and we didn’t know why so we were scrambling to get out, afraid it was going to catch on fire. (We later learned that airbags smoke after they deploy.) After the drama of those early moments, it occurred to our daughter to wonder about the other guy.

As she began asking about his well-being, here he comes wobbling up the little hill. Obviously shaken, my daughter asks, “Are you OK?”

He replied, “Man, why does this stuff keeping happening to me? Last week I had an accident and the week before that I got a ticket. I don’t understand why I have such bad luck.” If you know my daughter you realize that this was a strategic error on his part. She explained to him in no uncertain terms that the only common denominator in all those events was him. And perhaps he should take some time to consider his choices and his driving capability. This guy, like the rest of us, was NOT making the connection between his actions and his outcomes.

For the next few days, I am going to talk about why this is such a dangerous and common error on the part of humanity, and each of us individually. It is having a huge impact on our spiritual lives. Our spiritual lives have a tremendous impact on how we see, interact with, and affect the world. This is a big deal. The reason that we sometimes feel like a particular kind of bad experience is picking on us may be, in part, because we are managing our life in such a way as to make that pattern of behavior and consequences not only likely, but inevitable. I can say this to you because it is also true for me, so I am here with my heart in my hands as I say this: there is just stuff about each of us that we are not getting, and it is impacting us and others in a negative way. I’m sorry but it is true. Want to change? I know you do! But there is a powerful internal resistance to making the necessary changes that we need to talk about.

To be continued…