More Holiday Lessons

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

Here’s what I learned the holiday I stood between my parents and their bickering:

* I do not want to be the relative that yells or cries when things do not go “my way”. For the traditions that really mean a lot to me? I make them happen for me. If others participate, cool. If not, I make Pete do them with me! (Marriage at its finest.)

* Do not assume that what you think is more fun, less stressful, etc. is the same perspective shared by others. As torturous as it was as a bystander to watch my parents repeat the same turkey fight every single solitary year, evidently it was not torturous for them. Otherwise, they would have changed their ways. I have stopped being the person who tries to make other people’s holiday experience stress-free, because I know that this is their work, not mine.

* I will not be hijacked by other people’s holiday expectations. The turkey debacle was not my fault, and I won’t own it. This was my home and my electric knife. I could put it in the hands of anyone I wanted to - so there!

* Finally. When possible, if you have a situation that your gut teaches you might be sticky, even though you may be the host and the owner of the knife, it might be kind to prepare people for changes in advance. That way, they can choose to show up or not, depending on their own priorities. In a million years it would not have occurred to me to talk in advance about the turkey carving, but there might be other issues that would warrant a heads up. Say, if you go vegan and plan to only serve tofu and root vegetables for dinner.

Any holiday is a good holiday to observe yourself non-judgmentally, learn a lesson or two and plan accordingly for the future!

Anticipating Holiday Problems

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

One Thanksgiving my parents almost left our house in a huff because I asked someone else to carve the Thanksgiving turkey. This was quite a shock seeing as how my father had always complained bitterly about carving and inevitably he and my mother bickered over him snacking on the turkey as he carved. She also thought he took to long. It was a thing.

I thought I was giving them the gift of peace when I asked my brother-in-law to do the knife wielding. That did not go over well, and a different fight ensued - with me being the bad guy in the story.

After that incident, I had an extremely hard time not being a cranky, ungrateful holiday participant and I am quite sure it showed. Remember my childhood promises? All down the drain. And it was all my responsibility. I was the problem.

Their bickering was really none of my business; my unease over said bickering was best handled by me with me, not in trying to avoid the experience that my parents seemed to need to have year after year.

Sometimes anticipating problems that OTHER PEOPLE appear to have over the holidays is an example of good old-fashioned codependency. This is a tradition we can jettison for the benefit of one and all.

Holiday Stress

My mother loved a decorated tree but hated the actual time it took to decorate. And let’s be honest - she didn’t like the mess of a live tree. My dad was a grumpy and reluctant participant. I decided that when I was a parent, the tree decorating would be an EVENT and all adults would be merry and bright about the task without requiring the children to be neat and have an eye for perfect ornament placement. My children had other thoughts. They reached an age when they weren’t all that merry and bright about the tree trimming. It wasn’t their thing. It was boooooring.

This was a disappointment to me.

I confess, I still love the tree thing and I am already excited about this next generation of children. I am plotting the Christmas that both Norah and Christian will join Meme and Pops for a sleepover and a tree decorating extravaganza. It will include hot chocolate and homemade cookies and gingerbread house making. Their parental units can have the night off.

This does not mean that the intervening Christmases were unhappy. They were just different than I had imagined. Imagination is a wonderful thing until it bites you in the tushy. Imagination without decent checks and balances can turn into fantasy living. Real life cannot measure up.

When I was faced with reality versus fantasy, I made a decision to not be foolish. I refused to play reindeer games. I did not ruminate over what I wished for, I took action and created what was workable and gave me a reasonably happy Christmas. I stopped asking the kids to be all-in on the decorating, but I continued to buy them specialty ornaments - that brought me pleasure. I did not ask them to have my feelings.

This holiday season, I would encourage us all to own our experience. Make it reasonably happy, without demanding that others share our preferences. Free people to do their holiday the way that suits them. This will require some creativity, adjustment of expectations, and even downright discipline to not ruminate over what might have been. But it is also wise.

Don’t be a Debbie Downer.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

Holiday Hangovers

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

Do you get the post holiday blues? What does that look like for you?

When I was a kid I made myself a few promises. One of my promises was about the holidays. I promised myself that I would follow my mother’s lead in her commitment to holiday merriment AND I would do it MY way. My mom enjoyed the holidays and modeled well childlike joy in an adult body. But I was also familiar with grown up holiday depression. So one of my promises included a vow that I never wanted my adult hangovers to bring a cloud over my home, my children, my husband. Of course, I have not kept this promise perfectly. It is still a commitment though, and I continue to strive for equanimity in all things. Even the holidays.

In the process, I have learned a few things.

To be continued…

You don't have to be thankful for Thanksgiving

I fully expect to wake up the morning after Thanksgiving and hear about some of my friends’ hangovers. Not the hangover that goes with over-indulging in all its many forms, but one that leaves its mark nonetheless. I’m talking about the post traumatic stress from dashed expectations hangover. You know the one.

We went into Thanksgiving with our marching orders - lead with compassion, lower expectations. Do NOT talk politics. Have an escape plan if the partying gets out of hand. We reviewed our notes from the books, and groups and hopefully a weekend message or two and prepared ourselves for living with our inspired way of seeing while sidestepping the family traditions of mocking and teasing and shaming and fighting that so many of us have experienced in large family gatherings. Some of us may have even opted out of family events, choosing instead our families of choice to break bread with and practice new ways of living among.

Still.

Friday can be a bit of bummer.

What’s up with that? What are you thoughts? I’m curious.