Weekly Blog
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Ending relationships SHOULD be hard
One of the most poignant scenes during the various events eulogizing the life of George H. W. Bush, at least to me, was watching former Sen. Bob Dole rise from his wheelchair and salute the flag draped casket of President Bush. Once upon a time they were political rivals; Dole lost, Bush won the nomination for President. The fight for the nomination was bitter. After Bush became president and Dole was the Republican leader in the Senate, they worked together to accomplish their goals.
It would have been easy for these two fierce competitors to continue the rivalry after Bush was elected; they chose to do the hard thing and set aside the bitterness in favor of maintaining relationship. Perhaps in the beginning it was grudging, who knows? But on the day that Bob Dole said good-bye to the President, the nation watched transfixed as Dole paid tribute to his rival who became his friend. At 95 years of age, Bob Dole cannot stand without assistance. He could have stayed home and written a nice note of condolence to the family. Instead, he was driven to the Capital, loaded into his wheelchair and pushed into the room that held the casket of President Bush. His aide helped him to stand, and Dole raised his arm in salute. It was a tribute to not one, but two men who refused to choose rivalry over relationship.
It ought to be REALLY HARD to end a relationship because, if we are intent on bearing the image of God, we have worked so very very hard on loving others. In many ways, it needs to become almost automatic, this inclination to love well. It is certainly at the core of who we were all created to be - but this does not mean that we are particularly good at remembering that, does it? We should work so hard on loving, that loving is what we do. And if we must, absolutely must, end a relationship, it should feel unnatural and not our preference or an act of convenience.
Relationships morph constantly; few last a lifetime. We value them because the capacity to love others is the essence of humanity. When they end, we may come to acceptance and know that it is the best decision under the circumstances, but that does not make it easy.
12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1 Corinthians 13:12-13, The Message
What can we do that will help us become better lovers, compassionate leavers, and honorable image bearers?
Lighting Candles
The third pink candle lit in the Advent tradition is intended to signify our excitement over the birth of a child, the son of Mary and the Son of God. The birth of a baby is always such a beautiful opportunity to witness a miracle. It astounds me when I consider that God’s plan for our salvation was such risky business. Babies are fragile; dependent; needy. Babies, although fully human and already possessing their personality and potential the day they are born, require the adults who love them to study them to learn how to best meet their needs. What if we miss? What if we are wrong as we seek to love our babies well?
How was it that God thought it was a good idea to put Jesus into the arms of a young, unwed woman from a humble town with few material resources? Why did this make sense to him? I am unsure, but it occurs to me that we need to remember it. We need to remember that the birth of Jesus was not a Hallmark movie moment.
It was a story that included hardship, loneliness, homelessness, and some weird gift giving by virtual strangers. As Jill Phillips sings, “It was not a silent night.”
Think about it.
The REAL Christmas story is closer to our lived realities than our idealized dreams. How can this change our own expectations? Our own responses to others during this sacred season?
Compassionate Endings
A few weeks ago, Scott did a message at NSC about compassionate endings in relationships. He started out by observing that as the year draws to a close we often begin to talk on and on about new beginnings but we aren’t too keen on talking about endings. True and compelling. Since that message I’ve been thinking about endings in general, and if compassion can accompany them - all the better. It’s given me a lot to think about.
Frankly, he gave us room to begin small. He talked about how easy it is end a relationship by burning bridges, maybe even blowing them up. He encouraged us by saying that if we could avoid doing that - maybe that is the best we can do. I’ve heard him speak similarly about forgiveness. Sometimes, according to Scott, we are forgiving “enough” if we can restrain ourselves and refuse to seek revenge, i.e., burn bridges.
So let me level with you and start where I ended up: it ought to be HARD to end a relationship. I mean REALLY, REALLY HARD. Why? Because relationships are the glue that holds the world together. (I know, you thought it was gravity.) Relationships are fueled by love. If there is any universal characteristic of God that we are all challenged to reflect - it’s love.
12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
~ 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 The Message
Waiting for Forgiveness
If we go to church, the second Sunday of Advent (which was this past Sunday- December 9) finds us lighting another candle, also purple, reminding us of our great need for God’s forgiveness. Tradition says that Santa keeps a naughty and nice list of all the little girls and boys; that list determines whether or not Christmas morning will be cause for celebration or suffering. Even Santa understands that our behavior matters.
But what I really, really love, is that when we regularly spend time getting to know who God is, we do not have to freak out about our stuffed stockings. We understand that part of expecting, waiting and hoping is simply remembering: God forgives, loves and is crazy about his people. Like most moms and dads I know, he wants blessing for his children, not cursing. However, what we discover as parents is that our desires and our capacity to deliver are sometimes not congruent.
I know plenty of parents who curse their children too. I know parents who mock their children. I know parents who do the best they can but that doesn’t mean they have the tools, resources, and experience to actually BE great parents. This is a sad reality.
But that’s the beauty of Advent. It gives us hope. It tells us that just because we ARE sometimes a disappointment to ourselves doesn’t mean we cannot BECOME a person who better reflects our hopes and dreams for being a person who can bear the image of God and show up for others.
None of this happens by magic; it requires that we respond to this God who shepherds, saves, forgives, and restores.
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine. Isaiah 9:2, NLT
We don’t need to manufacture sparkly; our work is to expect, wait, and hope. And in that space, I suspect we all find new ways to think, feel and do - ways that are more in keeping with our status as kids of THE king. What about you? Are you ready to look for the light?
Unbelief
When an angel appears to Zechariah in the temple, he tells him that his wife will give birth to a son, and the old man doesn’t believe the angel. Understandable right? If an angel appears to Pete and tells him that I am going to give birth to a son in our advanced age - heads are gonna roll! Zechariah’s response was not unreasonable. Because of his unbelief, Zechariah was given a timeout and was unable to speak until his boy was born. I suspect he thought that was the least of his problems.
During Zechariah’s encounter, and once he regains his voice, he expresses his renewed viewpoint, including a description of the times, saying that God’s people are “lost in darkness”. That’s not all he sees and says, he also says this, “God’s sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness.” Further he says that God will “Show us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace.” If you want to read more, check out Luke 1.
Part of the ritual of Advent that I have loved as an adult is the lighting of a candle each Sunday of the Advent season. The first week the lighting of the purple candle focuses on taking our hope seriously. I love that. Hoping is not always happy. Sometimes it is a determined small but next right step of obedience.
Zechariah messed up AND still ended up with a son who would play a pivotal role in the ministry of Jesus. Have you or yours messed up so much that it feels impossible to enjoy Christmas this year? Fine. You do not have to. What you could do, if you were willing to believe, is look for ways to help others have a better holiday season. Who can you bless? Gift? Appreciate? Serve?