When meetings are "too sad"

I sound like a broken record. This is a fact. Consistently I suggest to families struggling with a variety of ailments to GET HELP. What kind of help? Therapy, support groups, education, practice boundaries and spiritual disciplines. I am not only a broken record, but my song is LONG. And people do not like it.

I suppose that is why the local pill doctor is wildly popular while folks in recovery programs at various times struggle to hang in and show up.

It turns out we all tend to resist the very thing we need the most. As we resist what we need, our resentment and anxiety ratchets up. We were created to live in community, learn things, practice boundaries and spiritual disciplines. We don’t “run” so well fueled by fantasy living, denial, and resistance to change.

In AA they talk about how we all want a softer, gentler way. The softer, gentler way doesn’t build muscles, it just makes us flabby.

Let me appeal to your anxiety, foreboding joy, and competitive spirit. In a crisis, the survivors are the ones who have the skills, the muscles, and the strength of character to persevere. Our endless quest for no pain with a side order of soft and gentle is not going to serve us well. If we are with a group of people in the woods and we happen upon a bear, who survives? Certainly not the softest, slowest delectable morsel in the group. You may not need to be an Olympic athlete to get away from that bear, but you darn well better be faster than the slowest person in your party.

Meetings can indeed be sad, as I am told on occasion by those who really do not want to attend them. Attenders sometimes hear sad stories of loss, relapse, and hopelessness. But you also hear, as I did last Thursday night in our Family Education meeting, a small but sturdy chorus of voices who are able to say that their loved one is in long term recovery. The family’s presence bears witness to the family’s recovery also.

If we want transformation, we do not need to be perfect. But we do need to notice how our resentments and anxieties sometimes trip us up, causing us to resist the work that opens the door to change and transformation.

When we notice numbing behaviors, start asking: where am I resentful? What am I anxious about? Hang in with the answer. Ride the wave of discomfort.

Somebody is avoiding the truth

When my grandson does something he KNOWS is not preferred, he has a clever way of reframing the issue. Here are some samples of his work:

“SOMEBODY is going upstairs.” [Christian is only allowed to go upstairs with an adult.]

“SOMEBODY spilled their yemonade on their pants.” [Christian is practicing drinking lemonade with a straw. It’s messy. He isn’t a fan of messy.]

“SOMEBODY threw their firetruck.” [We are learning to not throw our toys.]

“SOMEBODY needs to go see Pops.” [Even though Pops is on a conference call and is off-limits.]

The list goes on.

Our response, “Which somebody?” Big pause. Bashful grin. Avoidance. The adults wait patiently for a response.

Eventually, he says, “Christian Thomas…”

Why is it important that we not chuckle over SOMEBODY? Even though, come on, it is hilarious, right?

Because this will only be funny until it is a habit he cannot break when he is 40 and his marriage is on the rocks because he cannot own his stuff. {See foreboding joy.}

Change is hard enough without having to fight our own insecurity. Making mistakes is part of the process. Some of us hate that more than others, but all of us need to make mistakes in order to learn.

We do not shame Christian over SOMEBODY; but we do give him the opportunity to get it right. That’s a skill that we all need. We need to be able to practice being teachable, learning, and trying until we get it good enough.

Has stubbornness gotten in SOMEBODY’S way lately?

Numbness and Fantasy Living

The most effective way I know of to stay the same is to either stay numb or commit to fantasy living. If we want to avoid change, these are two guaranteed ways to succeed. Numbing can be anything - too many Lifetime movie binges rather than actually participating in life is one way.

Since we are fortunate enough to have grandchildren this year, I was happy when the clan decided to go to a Christmas tree lighting in our neighborhood. They are so much fun when you watch them acted out in a Christmas movie.

In our situation, we had to wait almost an hour for a table at the restaurant where we were going to eat before walking to the tree lighting. It was bitterly cold out, and the marshmallow roast looked like risky business for a two year old (Can you say foreboding joy?). The hot chocolate stand was over-crowded and under-prepared for demand. The tree lighting itself was preceded by a series of song and dance routines - which I enjoyed, but the babies did not. Half the group left before the tree sparkled and those of us that waited were underwhelmed by the lights. If we want spectacular, the television was the way to go.

But we did not want spectacular. We wanted experience. Together. As a family. And if that’s what we wanted, then there was joy. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We talked, we laughed, we fed a baby and listened to a toddler yell, “Where’s my cheese quesadilla?” Pete even got confused and went into the women’s restroom instead of the men’s. You cannot find that on the Hallmark Channel.

This is life on life’s terms. It’s all we have and it is more than we could hope for - so long as we are not numbing and not pretending.

How has fantasy living messed with your reality?

When has numbing caused you to under-react to a problem in search of a solution?

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:12 NIV

Scarcity over Celebration

Brene Brown has written about the concept “foreboding joy.” It seems to me that what she describes as foreboding joy is that feeling we get when we are afraid to be too happy because it might jinx our good news. When my daughter was pregnant I had a very hard time believing that she was actually pregnant. As her girth expanded, I came to accept this as possible good news but I struggled to feel joy - because what if? What if something went wrong?

Christian is two now and I celebrate both his and Norah’s, our granddaughter’s, existence every single day. But in the dark of night, after a long day, when I am feeling vulnerable and discouraged that thousands of people will get in fights over a free piece of cheesecake but cannot be bothered to call 911 when their neighbor is being attacked - on those days, I start to sense an attack of foreboding joy. If left it its own devices, foreboding joy can steal our present day moments of real joy. I use various coping strategies to stave off foreboding joy - most of the time these skills are effective. They also make it more likely that I will be able to do what it takes to change what is needed in order to improve both my conscious contact with God and my capacity to bear his image. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Find a way to get in touch with gratitude daily. Just do it.

2. Add rituals that are calming after hectic days of showing up for commitments - exercise as a transition from work to home, journal, Exam prayer, meditation, yoga, sleep with a fuzzy weighted blanket, keep your bedroom dark and cold, play board games rather than zoning out in front of the tv (no scary movies if you do turn on the tube), read good books (not thrillers).

3. Eat nutritionally so you won’t be as tempted to stress eat at night; avoid caffeine.

4. To avoid getting agitated before bedtime, cut off technology a couple hours before sleeping. Emails that arrive at night are almost always problems.

5. Find ways to take breaks during the day so that you aren’t so exhausted that you cannot rest at night. When I get called to the hospital for an emergency it can be stressful and often brings sad and bad news. I ALWAYS treat myself with something after I am finished at the hospital. I may go walk through the aisles at Barnes & Noble. I may go to my favorite barista and order a delicious decaf treat. I do something to balance the sorrow out and take a pause, even if the break is small.

6. Work play into your day.

7. Plan to start your day with doing something that takes care of you first, before you start caring for others. Drink your coffee out of a beautiful mug; put your breakfast on a pretty plate; have a quiet time; do a yoga stretch; get your walk in, etc. The goal is to be able to say, if your day goes to hell in a handbasket, “Hey, the day didn’t go as planned BUT I sure enjoyed _______ before all hell broke loose.” Some days, this is enough.

Change is about hanging in and being consistent; it is easier to do that when you are enjoying yourself.

...you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God.

~ 1 Thessalonians 1:9 NIV

Perfection and Failure

I remember the year that I decided my New Year’s resolution would be something wild and crazy - commit to healthy eating. No sugar. A lot of lettuce and sprouts. We spent New Year’s Eve at the beach with our friends and headed home mid-day on January 1st. Pete, who had no such delusions regarding his eating habits, had a two pound bag of M&M’s sitting between us in the front console. Mindlessly, I munched away. Then I remembered - Oh, no! My New Year’s resolution is RUINED!! I guess there is no hope for change.

I probably ate 20 M&M’s - which was enough to convince me that the year was blown. This kind of all-or-nothing thinking is the hallmark of perfectionism. It is destructive. It is a set up. It serves as a simple and extremely effective strategy for not actually having to DO, COMMIT, CHANGE.

Should we just give up? Heck no! We can work at improving. We can give up on the lie that we are what we do - especially if other people notice and praise us for our excellence. Healthy efforts to change are NOT about performance or perfecting. What is it about?

1. Evaluate self without tying it to what other people think.

2. Ask the question: How can I make progress toward my goal?

Scott told a story in a recent message about an experiment where folks were given the instruction to figure out how to get everything on the table mounted to the wall (candles/matches/box of thumb tacks). One group was told that time was not a factor; take as much time as you needed. The second group was instructed to go as fast as they could in order to win a prize. Which group was quicker? Group one.

Performance pressures decrease our abilities. Stress reduces our dexterity, our creativity, our ability to perform. Perfectionism is not helpful for becoming more successful. Good enough is an attitude that creates more success. The pressure to be the best inevitably reduces our chances of being #1.

Perfectionism is the enemy of transformation. It’s a tiny god that demands feeding but gives nothing in return but shame and guilt. How can we encourage self-compassion and a commitment to growth? One way is to find a way to encourage empathy even as we join together in daring to dream that we can be and do better at bearing the image of God.