Sharing weakness, sharing strength

Ken Blanchard wrote a bestseller in 1982, The One Minute Manager, which Brene` quotes on page 98 of Dare to Lead. “Catch people doing things right.” Embrace what we discover and plan accordingly. This includes the ways both us and others are “getting it right.”

As we are able, lead with our strengths and remain humbly aware of our perennial weaknesses. Help others do the same. This encourages transformation. The New Year’s resolutions we made in early January might need tweaking. They may be more focused on a perceived weakness than a strength. This is one reason resolutions are often so unproductive. Far better for us if we work within our strengths and find support for our weaknesses.

I am terrible with details. My life is managed by a few people who are GREAT with details. I can go on and on about my limitations, try to fake it, blame others for my mistakes, etc. OR I could own the limitations.

My work does not require me to be good with details so long as someone is paying attention to the details that are part of my work and home life. I need to acknowledge what I do that is a strength that others cannot do quite as effectively. Our strengths are often taken for granted by us as we practice them. They seem so natural to us that if we aren’t careful we will minimize them, thinking that EVERYBODY can do THAT. Well guess what? Everybody cannot. And SOMEBODY is not going to work on what is our work to do. Know your value and find support for that which gets in the way of you exercising your strengths effectively! This is perhaps one of the most liberating and exciting part of the transformation process.

What words of affirmation have you received that can help you figure out strengths that you may be minimizing? Who are you? How do you roll? Who can help you shore up your weak spots? Whose weak spots can you help shore up using your strengths? Together, we can become a bigger, healthier, happier and more effective family!

Responding to Criticism

Criticism is a reality whether we like it or not. We can work to become more of a contributor to the solution by decreasing our own criticizing ways - but you and I know that many people are not interested in changing their ways.

So what do we do when someone levels criticism at us?

My first instinct is to give up, defend myself or lash out. This is why first instincts are often so destructive. Here are some other options:

First and foremost, get curious about the source of the criticism. Some critics are not worth your engagement. Critics on social media do not know us and we do not know them. People who we know only tangentially, or who have taught us that they are unreliable narrators, or dare I say it? People you already do not trust? These folks are not going to be helpful to engage with - even if their criticism may have validity. It is ok to tell the truth and admit that sometimes there are people we simply cannot accept feedback from. It’s ok to know this and act on it. Don’t take the bait!! Save your conversations for folks who have invested in your life and have earned your trust.

Is the criticism of an anonymous or random critic valid? Maybe. File it away or take it to trusted individuals for processing. But without a trusting relationship, the exchange of information will be less than helpful. Particularly when there are witnesses to the criticism, and if the witnesses are reliable sources, we can ask them for feedback. We can pause to prepare and consider the criticism.

When the deliverer of the criticism does a super bad job, is an unreliable narrator, or a stranger - we can redeem the exchange for good, even if we feel as if the criticism was unfair. Many times I have learned from criticism and applied it in future relationships, even if the delivery system was faulty. I may do my due diligence and discover that their criticism was not supported by others who know me well AND discover legitimate issues that need to be addressed.

Criticism is hard to take - that’s for sure. But we can grow into a more secure, comfortable way of living with criticism as we find acceptance of our own humanity and reduce our need for perfection or approval.

How do you handle criticism? What can you change that will help you in situations when you are criticized?

Receiving Criticism

I am so old. Over the years, probably less times than many people I know, I have received criticism via social media or in a group or during a one-on-one session. I am learning how to tell the difference between criticism and contribution. A person who wants to contribute responds from a place of empathy. They are not reacting. They learn how to discuss what they perceive needs changing with constructive tips and suggestions for change. Criticism usually involves name calling. It lacks curiosity or clarifying. It is rigid and refuses to consider other options. My professional and personal growth is always enriched by the contribution of others. But criticism is often more about the person who is complaining than the person being criticized.

If we want to help someone change in a situation, we are wasting our breath and perhaps doing more harm than good until we learn how to be a contributor rather than a criticizer. What can you do to become a bigger contributor?

Resisting power plays

Editor’s note: The editor (Scott) forgot his computer on his recent trip to California and got behind on posting devotionals. My apologies to you loyal readers!

Although I enjoyed the dinner discussion on power dynamics in a system, I prefer focusing on the power we have that no one can touch. Each of us can mature into the belief that no matter the storms that brew around us, we can develop an awareness of our own self-worth, increase our capacity for self-awareness, and translate those powerful tools into treating others with respect. This gives us the wisdom we need to speak into situations where we may feel we have no power or feel the burden of responsibility as a person with authority within a system. We find ways to effect change without violating our own core values. Sometimes the only person that changes is us.

Whatever position we are in, we need to be rested in order to be well. Are you getting enough rest so that wisdom can emerge?

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest...let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:9-11, 16 NIV

We live in tumultuous times. One of the most wonderful things we can do is show up to any and every situation with a bit of wisdom, and a huge dose of mercy and grace.

Turning into what you despise

One night over dinner we had an interesting discussion about power dynamics. My youngest, who is working as a barista, was lamenting the many ways he has seen customers treat baristas and other service providers over the years. He also expressed some feelings about how managers or owners of the small shops where he has worked either create a environment of safety or not, based on their capacity to lead.

Our daughter, who is a bit further up the food chain in her job, shared her perspective as it related to being a manager. Oftentimes a manager has to implement a decision that they vehemently disagreed with behind closed doors with others in higher authority. A decent manager, in her opinion, throws herself in front of the slings and arrows of the outrageous misfortune of having to present an unpopular idea to a team. She believes you protect your superiors, which means that sometimes team members blame their supervisor for decisions the supervisor doesn’t agree with. She says she learned this from her best bosses over the years. Ahhhh, perspective.

Whether we are the boss or the employee, we all have an instinct about power dynamics. It’s human nature. The less power we perceive we have, the more likely we are to distrust authority. Our son, who perceives he has no power, wants the people with power to learn how to do better. Our daughter, with a teeny tiny bit more authority, ALSO feels sympathy for the authority figures who have tough calls to make.

This led to a discussion about what that looks like. I pushed my son, asking what he would do differently if he were the owner or boss. To which he said, “You know, the thing that concerns me is that I am worried I might turn into my worst boss rather than live up to the quality of my best ones. It just seems to me that power can be very corrosive; sometimes we become the person we once judged.”

Wow. Yes. As we grow and have more responsibility, maybe even a bit more authority, we might want to consider how we have automatically adopted some of the practices we hated when we had no power. Or, we can use our authority to be the boss we wanted, not necessarily the boss we were given over the years. This can be applied to parenting, in a marriage, or of course, at work.

Who are you imitating? How can you live out the way you want to be treated rather than repeat the mistakes that you criticize in others?