Walking a mile in someone else's shoes

Everyone has power. Not everyone is wise. But we can become more wise!

My barista has power to bless or curse me even if she is at the bottom of the power chain. Last week she accidentally doubled down on the turmeric in my mocha turmeric latte. Broke my heart. It was undrinkable. The temptation is to judge the barista’s competence. And perhaps that is valid if this is a regular event. But this particular barista also asked about my day, was kind in the face of rudeness from another customer, and was the only person working the register and filling the orders. Oh, and school was out. The place was packed with children running wild in an enclosed environment that felt safe enough for their parents to ignore them. My barista has the power to bless or curse everyone who enters the coffee shop.

But there was a problem with my latte. How do we deal with THAT? First, wisdom demands that we identify the correct problem. Is the problem that needs to be addressed the double shot of turmeric? Or might it be…

* Too little staff expected to handle too big a load

* A weather event that changed the normal workload in this shop

* Other employees unable to get into work because their cars were stuck in snowbanks

* It was the end of a long shift and the employee was completely frazzled.

We get focused on a particular failure when we are more interested in policing people and demanding that they not make mistakes then we are on taking a longer view. This is especially true when SOMEBODY else made the mistake. My husband could criticize me for any number of household snafus. I could criticize him for a few too. But what works better for us is seeing mistakes as opportunities to take a longer view.

My husband and I are practicing the discipline of not blaming. It’s hard not to complain when we believe someone else made a mistake whose consequence we live with, but the damage done by criticizing and blaming is harder.

How can we make it easier for people to admit mistakes and “get it right” as they learn? Taking time to identify the root problem requires strength, stamina and patience. What spiritual practices are you using to strengthen yourself?

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.

Isaiah 30:15 NIV

Productivity and rest

One temptation for assessing one’s value is to cheat. We cheat ourselves and others when we decide that value equals productivity. I am a big fan of productivity, but I have learned that the most productive among us are those who learn how to relax. It turns out that boredom enhances creativity.

When we cheat our evaluations of self and others by limiting our perspective on what is valuable, we are not living within the flow of rest that God encourages us to enter.

The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.

Mark 2:27 NIV

A day of rest is intended to be….restful. How can you find restful spots in your day?

Sharing weakness, sharing strength

Ken Blanchard wrote a bestseller in 1982, The One Minute Manager, which Brene` quotes on page 98 of Dare to Lead. “Catch people doing things right.” Embrace what we discover and plan accordingly. This includes the ways both us and others are “getting it right.”

As we are able, lead with our strengths and remain humbly aware of our perennial weaknesses. Help others do the same. This encourages transformation. The New Year’s resolutions we made in early January might need tweaking. They may be more focused on a perceived weakness than a strength. This is one reason resolutions are often so unproductive. Far better for us if we work within our strengths and find support for our weaknesses.

I am terrible with details. My life is managed by a few people who are GREAT with details. I can go on and on about my limitations, try to fake it, blame others for my mistakes, etc. OR I could own the limitations.

My work does not require me to be good with details so long as someone is paying attention to the details that are part of my work and home life. I need to acknowledge what I do that is a strength that others cannot do quite as effectively. Our strengths are often taken for granted by us as we practice them. They seem so natural to us that if we aren’t careful we will minimize them, thinking that EVERYBODY can do THAT. Well guess what? Everybody cannot. And SOMEBODY is not going to work on what is our work to do. Know your value and find support for that which gets in the way of you exercising your strengths effectively! This is perhaps one of the most liberating and exciting part of the transformation process.

What words of affirmation have you received that can help you figure out strengths that you may be minimizing? Who are you? How do you roll? Who can help you shore up your weak spots? Whose weak spots can you help shore up using your strengths? Together, we can become a bigger, healthier, happier and more effective family!

Responding to Criticism

Criticism is a reality whether we like it or not. We can work to become more of a contributor to the solution by decreasing our own criticizing ways - but you and I know that many people are not interested in changing their ways.

So what do we do when someone levels criticism at us?

My first instinct is to give up, defend myself or lash out. This is why first instincts are often so destructive. Here are some other options:

First and foremost, get curious about the source of the criticism. Some critics are not worth your engagement. Critics on social media do not know us and we do not know them. People who we know only tangentially, or who have taught us that they are unreliable narrators, or dare I say it? People you already do not trust? These folks are not going to be helpful to engage with - even if their criticism may have validity. It is ok to tell the truth and admit that sometimes there are people we simply cannot accept feedback from. It’s ok to know this and act on it. Don’t take the bait!! Save your conversations for folks who have invested in your life and have earned your trust.

Is the criticism of an anonymous or random critic valid? Maybe. File it away or take it to trusted individuals for processing. But without a trusting relationship, the exchange of information will be less than helpful. Particularly when there are witnesses to the criticism, and if the witnesses are reliable sources, we can ask them for feedback. We can pause to prepare and consider the criticism.

When the deliverer of the criticism does a super bad job, is an unreliable narrator, or a stranger - we can redeem the exchange for good, even if we feel as if the criticism was unfair. Many times I have learned from criticism and applied it in future relationships, even if the delivery system was faulty. I may do my due diligence and discover that their criticism was not supported by others who know me well AND discover legitimate issues that need to be addressed.

Criticism is hard to take - that’s for sure. But we can grow into a more secure, comfortable way of living with criticism as we find acceptance of our own humanity and reduce our need for perfection or approval.

How do you handle criticism? What can you change that will help you in situations when you are criticized?

Receiving Criticism

I am so old. Over the years, probably less times than many people I know, I have received criticism via social media or in a group or during a one-on-one session. I am learning how to tell the difference between criticism and contribution. A person who wants to contribute responds from a place of empathy. They are not reacting. They learn how to discuss what they perceive needs changing with constructive tips and suggestions for change. Criticism usually involves name calling. It lacks curiosity or clarifying. It is rigid and refuses to consider other options. My professional and personal growth is always enriched by the contribution of others. But criticism is often more about the person who is complaining than the person being criticized.

If we want to help someone change in a situation, we are wasting our breath and perhaps doing more harm than good until we learn how to be a contributor rather than a criticizer. What can you do to become a bigger contributor?