The Impact of Family Drama

Over the course of our lifetime all four siblings in my family have had an opportunity to explore the wreckage of our past. Each of us have reached various conclusions about our family system of origin - not all of them are in sync. Most of us experienced seismic changes in our understanding of our childhoods as a result of self-reflection. One of my brothers believed that our childhood was one adventure after another - he had to wrestle with his idealism. It was not all fun and games but he had forgotten chunks of life at our house.

I experienced my childhood as traumatic in ways that defined me and encoded all my memories as such. But when we found some old family movies that recorded happier times, I had to rethink my perspective. I remembered these times once they showed up on film. I realized that my memories were skewed; I needed to re-remember. It was NOT all trauma.

The only reason any of us entered therapy, treatment and/or recovery was because we were forced to admit that our adulting was not working. We were wrecking things all on our own without any help from others - thank you very much. It took intervention and outside resources for us to stop the insanity of living with great certainty and few insights about our lives. We had grown up but not through our past. The baggage of our youth was cluttering up the floor of our adulthood and we kept tripping over it. Something had to give! Recovery asks us to believe that God has the power to restore us to sanity - we can learn how to stop thinking, feeling and doing the same things over and over that keeping resulting in negative results.

My family and I did not end up with the same assessments of our collective growing up experiences. But each of us did what we have both the right and responsibility to do: We are living our lives in the way we believe best fits our core values. It is not easy; it is not without conflict. But it is what families do!

Meditation Moment- Salutation of the Dawn

Blessed with the experience of others who have walked this path of recovery we often find common ground in prayers, poems and meditations that have been helpful to others. Their experience can guide us. This poem is an adaptation of a poem “Salutation of the Dawn”, author unknown:

Look to this day! [Pause and observe the day you are in.]

For it is life, the very life of life. [Offer a prayer of thanksgiving for your precious life.]

In its brief course [Acknowledge that you have much to learn.]

Lie all the verities and realities of your existence: [Life offers many experiences; focus on one gratitude.]

The bliss of growth; [Thank God for your restoration.]

The glory of action; [Commit to do one next right step today.]

The splendor of achievement; [Ponder one right thing you did yesterday and give thanks.]

For yesterday is but a dream, [Commit to letting go.]

And tomorrow is only a vision; [Choose to not fret about future events.]

But today, well lived, makes every yesterday [Consider your day and choose to embrace it.]

a dream of happiness, [Happiness is possible. Look for it.]

And every tomorrow a vision of hope. [Find one thing to appreciate about your future.]

Finding a Way Through Suffering

My friend and I met for coffee to discuss an upsetting event. She made a mistake that could have resulted in tragedy but did not. However, the incident did point out a shortcoming or two of hers that resulted in experiencing some painful consequences.

She was distraught. She was ashamed of her mistake; she was angry that her efforts to correct her error did not result in the immediate suspension of her consequences; she was thrown into recovery chaos. As an experienced practitioner of the 12 Step way, she had some awesome tools and the wisdom to use them.

“I realized that I kept saying to myself - God is punishing me for being a stupid, stupid, little girl.” These are lies and she knew it, but her mind kept repeating the thought.

Upon reflection, with the support of her team, she investigated and could not find definitive support for these habitual thoughts. She made a mistake and it was hers to own. She is not stupid - in fact, she is quite brilliant and that is objectively provable. She is neither little or a girl. She is a grown up woman. She is not immune from natural consequences.

As she reviewed her thoughts and feelings, she found a way through her suffering. She believed that restoration was possible which got her curious. How might restoration work? Her experience helped her figure that out. She rejected her habitual way of lamenting and replaced that with different thoughts - I am a woman who made a mistake; I am capable of changing; I can take responsibility for my part in this and trust that God will restore me in the process. Energized with this more hopeful perspective, she got busy and did a host of things in a sincere effort to right her past wrongs.

They cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for me, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

~ Psalm 107:13-16 NIV

My friend rocks.

Meditation Moment- Set Aside Prayer

Within mutual aid societies there is a popular prayer called the “set aside” prayer. Start of your day with this:

“Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about my beliefs, God and myself, so I may have an open mind and a new experience. Please help me to see the truth about God’s power, my insanity and the promise for my restoration.”

Figuring Out How God Works

I was once in a car accident, hit by a young man who was driving on a suspended license for a plethora of citations as a result of his bad driving. What did he say as he exited his smashed vehicle? “Why does God keep doing this stuff to me?”

In contrast to George Costanza’s and this young man’s opinion of God, there are others who believe that God is only in the good things (as defined by us). Have you ever seen a player on the losing end of a Super Bowl matchup saying, “I just want to thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for this loss?” No. Because big game winners profess belief that God is in our big wins. No mention of him in the losses - unless you are George Costanza. Or that kid who totaled my car.

What we are asked to “come to believe” in the second step of the Twelve Steps - and one reason I love them - is that God is powerful. We are not asked to figure out how God works in every situation. Our distortions about how we believe God uses his power may complicate our acceptance of his power.

Can we start there? God is powerful.