New Strategies for Future Challenges

We are all hot messes. It is hard to examine ourselves. This may not be your first rodeo with recovery and Step Four. That’s okay - you are not alone. I have a friend who was working, by all accounts, a decent program. Her mother died unexpectedly in a car accident. On the day of her mother’s funeral, she had a slip up and drank at her mother’s memorial service. She feels like a failure.

Of course she does. But what we are learning in recovery is that our feelings are not always fact. Her friends empathize with how lousy she feels AND they remind her that she did not lose all her clean time because she had one slip. She feels a lot of shame - and we can all relate to that! But using on this particularly difficult day without a support network around her to navigate the funeral and after party? That does not make her a failure. And it does not negate her recovery efforts. It does, however, make her vulnerable if she doesn’t jump right back on the recovery train.

Perhaps you are not a person in recovery from Substance Use Disorder. Maybe you cannot relate to her struggles. Take a few breaths and re-evaluate your situation. How many times have you promised yourself ‘A’ only to live ‘B’. Maybe your blood work indicates you are headed on a direct path toward diabetes and you know that you MUST change your way of eating. After your son’s birthday bash. After the holidays. Or your marriage is kind of a mess and you know you SHOULD go get some help, but who to go to? And it’s expensive! And time consuming!! So there we have it - we are all far more alike than different.

Early recovery and initial efforts to change feel bad and are hard to sustain. It is easy to think that this means life is bad. It’s hard work but helpful to remember that this bad feeling may be just a blip on the road to an otherwise abundant life. A slip that is rapidly followed up by a return to recovery or new ways of living can help a person and their support team figure out how to tweak their program for more effectiveness. In the case above, my friend has decided that she will no longer attend high stress, heavy drinking family functions without a recovery buddy. She will go early and leave early. She has new strategies for future challenges, even those that are not as traumatic as her mom’s funeral.

We need to "find our way back home"

If turning our life and will over to the care and control of God “fixed stuff” we wouldn’t need a Fourth Step. We would also see a statistical difference in divorce rates, fewer problems with Substance Use Disorder in Christian families, and a host of other problems people face daily. Folks who are faithful believers should, in theory, have fewer problems than those who do not profess a faith in God. But we do not see statistical differences. Faithful people struggle with the same issues at approximately the same rate as folks who spend Sundays cutting grass and watching sports on television.

In trying to explain this, a few gurus and experts have resorted to blame. They talk about how people at church are struggling because they do not pray right, they have never really accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior, they have unconfessed sin, etc. etc. etc. But, what if it is actually more complicated than that? What if blame is not the answer?

Maybe our humanity lends itself to control issues, forgetfulness of our divine image-bearing capacity, and confusion about what it means to turn our life over. This is certainly true for the men and women we read about in the scriptures. Why wouldn’t it also be true for us? Look at Hebrews 11, the Hall of Fame of God’s righteous people. They are, every one of them, a cast of characters with spotty resumes and plenty of bad behaving.

Maybe there are those among us who simply have been selfish and self-seeking and need a good strong kick in the spiritual pants. However, this has not been my experience with people. I find that most people do not ruthlessly and wantonly try to screw up their lives by making poor choices. Underneath every story that appears to be about callous indifference to others is usually a wounded animal fighting to survive. Often this wounded soul has been traumatized in some way. There is much here to be both merciful and gracious about.

Wounded or not, when we do screw up our lives, behave ruthlessly, wantonly disregard the needs and wants of others, lie, cheat and steal...we need to change all that. We need to figure out how to turn around and find our way back home. Home base for humans includes the capacity to behave with empathy and compassion, to regard others’ needs and wants as well as our own, to know and live by the truth, to live honorably. To love well. In a few studies we will start that process.

Accurately assessing ourselves creates peace

There is absolutely, hands down, no better way to make peace with myself and others than to take stock of myself and see, really see, who I am and how my personhood impacts those around me. This is an essential part of a fresh start.

Imagine you are transferring the ownership of your life to God in the same way you would transfer ownership of a business. One of the first things you would do in negotiating to sell a business would be to take an inventory to discover the damaged or out-of-date goods that are no longer salable.

In Step Four we call it a “moral” inventory because we compile a list of traits and behaviors that have transgressed our highest moral values. We also inventory our “good” traits and the behaviors that represent them. In our life’s moral inventory the defects or dysfunctional behaviors might include some that once worked; some dysfunctional behaviors may have saved our lives as children, but they are now out-of-date, self- defeating, and cause us a great deal of trouble when we use them as adults.

- Keith Miller, A Hunger for Healing

Another person in recovery talked about his own Step 4 inventory when he said, “The inventory is the first thing I do in conscious partnership with God. And that’s why prayer is so important in the process. It is not something I’m going to figure out when I’m preoccupied with and deconstruct it and analyze it...all those things I’ve tried to do [on my own] and came out disastrously wrong.”

An inventory is how we STEP UP. But we can only do so when we have leaned into this sure-footed understanding that God is not out to get us. Tomorrow, we will look more closely at the process itself.

The benefit of making decisions slowly

Some situations are mine to own and respond to! What if I am the lead dog? What if the decisions needed rest at my feet? If I am highly invested, I need to slow down and listen up.

1. Who do I need to learn from? Listen to? Consider? Have I really gathered all the data?

1. Get curious, without trying to sway or influence others.

2. How can I contribute?

1. Do I have a super power I can bring to the table? If so, have I been invited to use it?

If not, STEP BACK. If yes, the final question.

3. What can I responsibly contribute to the situation without any regard for the outcome?

If we are too focused on the outcome, then we will have a very tough time detaching from our feelings, thoughts, preferences, and habitual ways of acting while under stress. When we can practice objectivity and live life without attachment to a particular outcome, we are well-positioned to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

The STEP BACK is an important boundaries tool. But the STEP UP is all about character. What happens when we realize that we’ve messed up? Well folks, there are appropriate responses for that too.

Stay tuned!

What problems are yours to solve?

Yesterday we suggested that some problems are not ours to solve. We need to detach from the problem and its possible outcomes. Other times, another choice is appropriate. These questions may help you distinguish between the two:

1. What is my part in this matter?

1. Do I even have a right to claim investment in the outcome?

2. Is this even my business?

3. Am I staying within my boundary? Is this my problem?

If I decide that this is indeed my business, I am appropriately invested in the outcome because it is my business and I am NOT overstepping any boundaries if I take on the work of trying to be a part of the solution, then I move on to a different set of questions:

1. What is my part in this matter?

1. Who are the other stakeholders in this situation? Who is the primary stakeholder?

2. What part do I play in relation to the other stakeholders?

3. Am I a bit player? A lead dog? A co-laborer?

4. Am I over-invested in the outcome in light of my role?

5. Is my ego involved?

6. How do I fit in with the whole picture?

Suppose after all this self-reflection I discover that I am not the primary stakeholder in this scenario. Maybe I am just a bit player. But perhaps my thoughts and feelings are deeply invested in the problem. When that happens, I am becoming part of the problem. If I am over-invested based on my role, I need to practice the STEP BACK.

Bit players are valuable too. But they serve very different functions than a full-on team mate or a co-laborer. When my son played lacrosse, I was a bit player. I was a cheerleader in the stands. I washed the uniform and remembered where he left his shoulder pads as he frantically backed his game bag. I did not coach, or referee, or run out on the field and punch the guy who hit my kid so hard it jarred his teeth loose. I had after-game snacks. I knew to take him to the doctor to see if he had a concussion after a couple of particularly rough games.

Tomorrow, we wrestle with our part when our investment stake is higher. Today, ask yourself: have I confused my part in someone else’s problem?