Patterned Interactions: Part II

Many people do not like taking an aggressive stance toward others. This second group is sociable and turns to others for reassurance and support. They would not be comfortable moving ‘against’ people or withdrawing from people. They are a collaborative bunch and lean into relationships.

They study the reactions of others because they have a strong need for acceptance. They lose their own perspective and forget the consequences for their own future in the pursuit of the approval of others.

Internally they are insecure and get stuck in a cycle of feelings of insecurity and neediness. They undervalue themselves and avoid self-reflection. This need for affirmation can cause them to lose sight of their inner value to live responsibly and value others. One word description? Ambivalent. Another descriptor? Dependent. Don’t let this word confuse you - they are not needy or weak in the classical sense of the word. Sometimes they are downright feisty. But what they are deeply committed to is looking outside themselves for confirmation that their ideas are not stupid and that they are not crazy.

Patterned Interactions: Part I

As we look for patterns, it will help us to understand that we have a patterned way of interacting with the world too. The next three days we will explore three different ways we primarily relate to the world around us. Here is option one:

This group focuses on results. They love getting things done. They thrive on doing!

They are comfortable with assertiveness and can express themselves; they are comfortable with anger. Others often feel that this group is intimidating or is personally against them.

Despite their aggressive ways, they fear not being loved or failing. They are future focused. They like stirring the pot and making things happen. At their best, they are creative, productive and positive. But in weakness they are insensitive to the needs and feelings of others, which hurts their intimate relationships. Imagine this group impaired and losing their creative mojo and capacity to succeed! One word description? Aggressive.

Do people ever tell you that you are too pushy? Too intimidating? Have you ever had to reel yourself in for the sake of getting along? You just might be a person who is comfortable moving against people you think get in your way.

Notice, as you look at your patterns, if this is true for you. Remember, this is not a bad thing. It is just a thing.

Not you? Tomorrow we will look at a different way of being in the world.

Recognizing patterns helps us learn to break them

Our brains love patterns; our bodies like to acclimate to habits; but our spirits cry out for the opportunities to create, explore and express curiosity. No wonder Substance Use Disorder strips us of our creativity, our drive to try new things and our ability to care about our world and its people!

Recognizing our patterns can be a challenge; the fact that we have patterns means, by definition, that after a good deal of practice they become mostly unconscious. Fortunately, people have studied such things and can help wake us up to the way we relate to our world. We want to learn this so that we can move forward in self-awareness, and make more conscious decisions about when a particular way of being is helpful to our goals versus when it is hindering our ability to change.

Just to be clear - these are changes that we decide we need or want to make because of who we are and want to be...not because someone said we needed to make them. These are volitional choices made with a clear head and an open heart.

Tomorrow we will look at three particular patterns, one of which you will especially relate to - we all have a favorite one of these ways of being in the world.

Coping strategies, Compulsions, and Dependencies

The more we get in the habit of coping using a particular set of strategies, the more ingrained the behavior becomes. Soon we operate on automatic pilot. We forget that we once loved to tell our families about our favorite book (or whatever those things are about us that are intrinsic to us but not supported by our environment). Over time, these strategies may lose their applicability. But we keep using them because we falsely believe at this point that this is just who we are!

Coping strategies turn into compulsions which lead to dependencies and all that dysfunction results in us becoming self-focused, self-absorbed, and selfish in our desperate search for what we need. Instead of figuring out our needs, we start settling for what our compulsion tricks us into believing we want. This is the perfect environment for the development of shortcomings. And eventually - dependencies.

If you’re trying to follow along with your own inventory, here is what you are working on:

1. Making a chronological (by age) list of your emotional memories.

2. Writing a brief summary of the event that produced those feelings.

3. Write out our reaction to the situation.

Learning to understand coping strategies

As a child, one of the early lifelong strengths that emerged for me was a love for reading and a lot of curiosity for learning. I distinctly remember a time in elementary school when I went PAINFULLY and LABORIOUSLY over the storyline of a particular book I was reading during the family meal. No one was interested in the book or my elaborate summary. They began to call me a bookworm and tease me about the number of books I would read - per day! Ok, I probably was over the top enthusiastic.

In contrast, I could listen to my children and grandchildren ramble on FOREVER about a variety of topics. Am I always interested in PAW Patrol, socialism or the distinct tones a particular kind of walnut creates in a guitar? Do I care about amortization charts or where the University of Virginia is seeded in the NCAA Tournament? Not particularly. But people I love care about these things and my recovery has given me the gift of loving what others love as an expression of caring.

What I care about is my husband, friends, family, kids and grandkids. I study them for the pure pleasure of seeing who they are and catching glimpses of how God made them. The world will not be as fascinated by them as I am - and that’s natural too. In healthy families everyone gets a turn being heard, especially in a world that is busier shouting than listening.

When our personhood is routinely diminished or ignored, this hurts our soul. We thrive in a world that is loving and curious; we wilt under the scrutiny of belittling or neglect. We react by developing coping strategies. We perhaps set aside or hide our passions, whether it is for reading or music or physical action and adventure, in favor of acting in ways that gets us what we crave - approval, esteem, validation and security. Next up on our inventory? Ferreting out some of the habitual patterns we have developed as coping strategies!

Once you’ve made your complete inventory of emotions related to memories, go back and do two things: 1. Write a brief statement about what triggered the emotion and 2. Write down your reaction. This may take a while, no worries, plug away!