Pay attention to your patterns

“You always do that!” Has anyone ever said that to you? Were you surprised? We all have patterns for behaving, thinking, believing, even feeling. This is natural. Our brains LOVE patterns. Think of the brain as a super computer (it’s not really but just play along!) that is lazy (this is unfair but I’m making a point). The brain gets to kick up its feet and smoke a cigar if it can operate on automatic pilot. Patterns help brains kick back and relax. In fact, the brain is hardwired to love patterns so much that if it discovers a pattern - even if it isn’t true or helpful - so long as the brain is convinced that it has discovered a pattern - the brain rewards itself with a little shot of dopamine. The brain actually rewards itself for finding patterns - not for wisdom or discernment or good choices!

We have been making and adhering to patterns since we were itty bitty. And the brain is loathe to give up a pattern (think cigars and front porch rockers). Are we hosed? No, not if we can do the work of recovery!

Patterns have value for us because they make life simpler. I know what I like at Chipotle and I do not have to think about whether or not I am getting a bowl or burrito - it’s a bowl for me. I do not waffle between chicken or steak - I choose chicken. Chipotle is a no brainer for me (give the brain a cigar!).

What patterns are you noticing about yourself? Are they helpful or just leftovers from a different time in your life?

Which emotions do you avoid?

If you are working through your emotional inventory and as you consider your emotional inventory - do you notice any emotions missing? Can you find instances of too much anxiety, not enough joy? It is common for us to limit the full range of our emotional capacity when we are not healthy. Is this true for you?

1. Make a list of your primary emotions.

2. Make a list of emotions that you have neglected, repressed, ignored.

3. Have any of your emotions become shortcomings? Which ones?

If this exercise does not interest you, that’s okay. Plenty of days I choose to just blame my bad mood on my husband and completely ignore my own personal responsibility. Okay, okay, that’s a little joke. But in all seriousness, are you taking the time you need to really consider your emotional range?

Please try, spouses everywhere will thank you!! And, if you aren’t in a romantic relationship, a little self-reflection will along way in friendships and work relationships and everywhere else!

Healing our shortcomings

In yesterday’s study you may have noticed that there were some emotions on the list - anger, fear, etc. To clarify, an emotion is not a shortcoming. All of our emotions are value neutral. They are simply indicator lights that tell our body, mind and heart that something is up with us. All emotions serve the purpose of helping us pay attention - which is a good thing, even a sacred thing. But they become a shortcoming when we habitually over-rely on them. When we ask anger to give us energy because we are depressed, that is over-using the emotion. If we use fear to give us an excuse to never do hard things, that is over-using the emotion.

For example, I can feel anger when my neighbor kicks my dog. I can feel fear and horror when my neighbor poisons my dog. These emotions fit the event. But if my neighbor wore a blue shirt when he kicked my dog and I witnessed it and now I am afraid of blue shirts - that is a trauma response - not a shortcoming or defect of character. It serves as a warning light. My fear of blue shirts teaches me that I need to go visit a counselor who understands trauma and can help me lean into and heal from this event. However, if I do not heed the warning light in a responsible manner, and instead throw out all my blue shirts and demand that everyone else in my life stop wearing blue shirts too - now, that’s a shortcoming. I am harming myself and others because now I am trying to avoid feeling fear by hating on blue shirts. My over-reliance on my emotions is a shortcoming. When I ask my emotions to serve purposes for which they were not intended to serve - act as facts, drive my decision-making, give me energy or the power to disconnect or the ability to judge others to make myself feel better about myself - my emotions have become a shortcoming due to over-use or improper use. Remember: These shortcomings do not need to be judged; they need to be healed!

Learning our own shortcomings

As our patterns emerge, our discomfort will increase. These patterns carry within them hints of our defects of character and shortcomings. Defects of character are part of humanity - even God’s heroes and heroines of faith had their own sets of shortcomings. A shortcoming is a character trait that continues to cause harm to self and/or others. Character defects are not behaviors like over-eating, under-eating, drinking and drugging or workaholism. Our ‘bad behaving’ is a symptom of these traits, not the trait itself.

Here is a long list of possible shortcomings. In the days ahead refer back to this list if you need help figuring out your own habitual shortcomings.

Anger

Self-justification

Self-centeredness

Rationalization

Procrastination

Suspiciousness

Worrisomeness

Indifference

Approval-seeking

Arrogance

Impulsivity

Panic

Complacency

Withholding

Perfectionism

Smugness

Selfishness

Fear

Sloth

Depression

Tenseness

Over-sensitivity

Impatience

Phoniness

Aimlessness

Despondency

Complaining

Aggression

Judgmentalism

Stubbornness

Intolerance

Anxiety

Greed

Unkindness

Irresponsibility

Pessimism D

iscourteousness

Over-compliance

Violence

Melancholy

Whining

Neediness

Resentment

Hate

Unrealistic

Gossip

Laziness

Dishonesty

Insecurity

Envy

Ingratitude

Rumination

Manipulation

Evasiveness

Disagreeable

Self-pity

Lust

Domineering

Unreasonableness

Rigidity

Lying

Pridefulness

Jealousy

Self-righteousness

Living in the future

Control

Indiscretion

Self-indulgence

Whew! That’s a long list! You may want to transfer it into your journal for future use. If you aren’t working through a fourth step but are a kind and decent person who is patiently reading through the blog anyway, bless you. You may want to take a peek and see if any of these traits ring any bells for you too!

Patterned Interactions: Part III

Finally. This group is neither interested in getting other folks to approve of them or assert themselves in the lives of others. This group appreciates an independent viewpoint and inward focus.

They retreat into themselves and rely on their own strength to get through challenges. They sometimes lack confidence that they can make a difference and may search for solutions but fail to take action on what they learn. They are detached. They can sound condescending when talking to others. Their inner anxiety and vague suspiciousness makes them self-protective. They over-analyze. Although they are perceptive, their need to isolate is a problem. One word description? Withdrawn.

Of course, Substance Use Disorder and other life problems can turn passive people aggressive; quiet people loud; loud people silent; aggressive folks catatonic. BUT before we started developing habitual, mostly unconscious ways of reacting to the world, each of us had a favorite way of relating: aggressive, withdrawn or ambivalent, or dependent on others. Our patterns precede our using or dysfunctions, so we will explore those deep-rooted preferences before we get further into the weeds of our inventory!

As you review your list of chronological feelings and your reactions, look for the pattern that most fitsyou. Remember - think of your way of being before you started using:

1. Do you move against people? Have some people told you that you were too aggressive?

2. Do you move toward people? Are you eager for approval? Do you care A LOT about other

people’s opinion of you?

3. Do you move away from people? Do people stress you out? Do you spend a lot of time in

your head?

As you can imagine, each one of these styles has both unique vulnerabilities and strengths associated with them. Give that some thought and journal about your ideas on the subject.