Meditation Moment

No one likes money talk, so let’s take a break and breathe. Sit and breathe. Set an intention and allow it to be the focus of your attention. One suggestion: “I intend to learn from everything that comes my way today. I intend to stay with my real experience of myself and my world today.”

Financial Inventories

If you desire to think about your financial inventory, here are some prompts:

* Make a thorough list of examples that indicate how your impulses to either make, spend or hoard money reflects any insecurities or obsessions with your financial status.

* Have you been selfish in the pursuit of money or possessions? Give examples.

* Give examples of financial irresponsibility - when have you spent more money than you could afford? Again - examples please!

* What financial consequences have you suffered as a result of your Substance Use Disorder?

* Did you default on any loans or other financial responsibilities? List.

* Did gambling impact your finances? If so, provide examples.

As you make your list of financial insecurities, here are some additional questions to help you fill out your financial insecurity list:

* What character traits/shortcomings have contributed to financial insecurity? (Did I lie, cheat, steal?)

* What effect did this have on you? Your family? Your community?

Inventories and Finances

Tired of thinking about sex? There are more options for self-reflection. Concern for financial security is real. But is it the root of the problem?

In our group meeting a young father says, “I am really concerned about putting food on the table for my wife and kids. I am thinking about leaving this program (he is in an intensive long term inpatient program and is on day 7) and getting a job. I can manage my addiction by going to meetings.”

The group sat in respectful, empathic silence.

Finally, an older gentleman shared. “I am really worried about my relationship with my daughter. I have NOT provided for her in the way a father should. I lay in my bed at night and cry over the times I know my daughter did not have money for extra activities at school or art supplies. But, in trying to be completely honest here....I was not crying for my daughter or even thinking about her during the past 13 months when I was using - spending all my time and money drug seeking. For me, the best thing I can do to help my daughter is to address my need for recovery.”

Both men express regret over the precarious financial circumstances of their families but their RESPONSE to these financial security inventories may look different given their current mindset in recovery. Example one sees the problem he needs to inventory and address is his fear about his spotty job history. Example two believes that his financial straits are a byproduct of his Substance Use Disorder and he believes that working on recovery through an intensive inpatient program, for him, is the way to begin to address the root problem.

When we think about our worries as they relate to financial security, we may have a variety of motivations. Maybe our pride is pricked and we want to prove ourselves worthy. Certainly we live in a world that judges us by the car we drive. Fear was an element that both of the men in the above examples shared. Anytime we are in a position of financial insecurity fear is likely part of the experience. It is when we ask the questions about the character traits that accompany our quest for financial security that we may learn more about our own shortcomings.

The point of a Fourth Step is not to vomit our sins and insecurities. Like the rest of the inventory exercise, it is intended to use these lists to help us uncover patterns and shortcomings. We are on a journey to discover what motivates us so that we can become more self-aware. As we wake up to our patterns, we will acquire insights into our habitual ways of thinking, doing and feeling. We might uncover pro-addiction thoughts and beliefs.

We will learn what we need to make right, change, and adjust. Our thoughts, our beliefs, our behavior, our attitudes and more will be realigned as we work these steps. Why does this matter? Because we are rebuilding our lives, adding the capacity for resilience, decluttering our life from unresolved regrets and misdeeds, forming better coping strategies. All good stuff, so hang in!

Questions for exploring your sexual attitudes

When we do our sexual inventory, part of our work will include discussions about our sexual attitudes. Here are some questions for you to use to help complete your inventory or if you are interested in delving a bit into your own patterns around sex.

● How have you responded to sexual pressures? Explain.

● Have you made inappropriate sexual suggestions or advances to any of your children or other minors? Had sexual contact with them? Explain.

● Have you made excuses or lied about your sexual desires? Explain.

● When your sexual advances were not accepted by your partner, how did you feel? How did you respond?

● Conversely, how have you responded to your partner’s sexual advances? Have you withheld sex as a punishment? Have you been dishonest and said ‘yes’ when you meant ‘no’?

● Have you used rejection as an excuse for sexual contact outside a committed relationship? (Infidelity can be overtly sexual or emotional.) Explain.

● Have you had an affair/s and blamed the person you had the affair with (They pursued me, what could I do?) Explain.

● Have you ever explained a sexual encounter as baffling, unexplainable or “it just happened”? Explain.

● Have you ever said, “I couldn’t help it” while explaining a sexual encounter? Explain.

● Have you blamed your partner for sexual dalliances outside the marriage? Explain.

● Have you used pornography? Journal about that.

Anything come up as you journal that really freaks you out? Go talk to someone!

Preparing a Sex Inventory Part II

Our sexual instincts are part of the survival mechanism in our brain. Procreation is a drive all species need to not end up extinct. But sometimes our instincts get confused or messed up. It’s not just about the sexual act either - it is also about the nature of relationships with those you are attracted to as well. You do not have to limit your list to explicit sexual experiences!

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it is recommended that we focus on how our sexual instincts have hurt others. Here are some questions to guide your sexual inventory. Use four columns.

1. Who did I hurt as a result of my sexual instincts?

* Write one column that focuses on your sexual attitudes.

* Write a second column that addresses your behaviors.

1. How was I affected by this event?

2. What shortcomings does this example reveal?

There are two extremes we might uncover. One - a sexual impulse that is out of control. Another - a sexual impulse that is repressed and non-functioning. This inventory may require more thought than you might first think if the only thing you are inventorying is sexual acting out!

Ok folks, if you want to inventory - get started. If not, maybe give a bit of consideration to the fact that our sexuality may be more complicated than we have assumed.