Too much shame...or not enough?

Below is a list of common shame experiences - how many can you relate to?

● I am broken beyond repair, defective, a mistake.
● I am ugly, disgusting, dirty, smelly, too big or too small.
● I am not good enough, stupid, useless, a failure.
● I am unloved, unwanted, unappreciated.
● I am weak, lazy, feeble, impotent.
● I am evil, bad, despicable.
● I am insignificant, pitiful, contemptible.
● I am worthless, invisible, empty, nothing.
● I deserve abuse, neglect, criticism, disapproval, contempt.
● I feel ashamed, embarrassed, mortified, self-conscious, humiliated.
● I often feel paralyzed, unable to do anything.
● I lack energy.
● I desperately want to escape.
● I cannot handle human contact; I want to run away.
● I need to be more perfect, work harder, stop making mistakes.
● I notice or have been told that I can be critical of others.
● I have been known to become enraged, attack others, when I feel ashamed.
● I believe that the world would be better off without me.
● I feel empty.
● I have no right to exist.
● Something is wrong with me.
● I am a burden.

How often do you feel shame? A lot? A little? Too much is toxic, a little shame can actually inspire change. Is your shame holding you back or propelling you forward?

Shame prevents healing

Shame is a powerful, painful feeling that expresses itself in various ways throughout our minds and bodies.  Most shame attacks have the following components:  a physical response, uncomfortable thoughts, troubled behaviors and spiritual pain.  A shame attack is overpowering. 

Even if we have the presence of mind to know that much of what shame is screaming is inaccurate, even wrong, it does not help.  We may tell ourselves we have nothing to be ashamed of but the body will not quit its quest, demanding that we acknowledge our shame.  Shame is not willing to merely be recognized, it wants to be in charge.

Physically, our face may heat up.  We cannot get our eyes to make contact with the world.  We drop our head and our shoulders droop.  Our chest might become tight. It may feel like a big elephant has taken up residence on top of our ribs.  Some folks experience a racing heartbeat.  Most shame attacks leave us feeling self-conscious and small.  The more aware we become of our shame, the worse it gets.  We want to shrink away.  Shame triggers painful, critical thoughts.  We feel vulnerable.  We call ourselves horrible names.  These feelings are so painful that the recipient wants to extricate themselves from them ASAP. 

Is it any wonder that shame impedes our healing?

Making mistakes doesn't mean we have to live in shame

In the infamous “ring story” (see the past few days to get caught up if this means nothing to you), a desire to keep someone else’s shiny precious bauble filled me with shame. Shouldn’t a grown woman, a grandmother for-heaven’s-sake, be more mature than to lust after another’s possession? Evidently NOT. As I imagine sharing my secret greed, my face heats up. I feel sick to my stomach. My thoughts begin to race and my mind starts to call me all sorts of ugly names.

Do you have any stories that trigger your shame?

For today, pick one of those stories and offer this prayer over it: “Lord, every time I think about __________________, I feel so ashamed.”

Now, sit quietly and breathe. Notice how your body feels under a shameful attack. Continue to breathe and sit quietly.

After a few minutes, conclude with this: “Thank you, Lord, that your love is bigger than my feelings. I receive this reminder that I am human, I make mistakes, some of them whoppers. Help me find and appreciate people in my life who can validate my feelings and support my healing.”

When we hide, we limit our opportunity for growth

While on our annual family vacation my husband lost his favorite blue shirt. In our search we discovered a large diamond encrusted ring under the bed. The centerpiece gemstone was gorgeous, purple at first glance but when carried outside it morphed into a beautiful brilliant green - perfect for accessorizing during the Christmas holiday season.

WHAT?!?

What was I thinking? This was hot and humid August and Christmas was a long way off. And, lest we overlook this key piece of information - it wasn’t my ring to use as an accessory. Period. Someone lost this large gaudy display of bedazzlement; I just happened to be the first person to peer under that particular bed.

I did not want to give it back.

“Finders keepers losers weepers,” came to mind. Following this mature mantra I began to rationalize. If someone really loved this ring, then they should have been more responsible with it. After I finished fantasizing about the bling, I did the responsible thing and contacted the resort’s lost and found department. I did the honest thing. I behaved responsibly.

But the truth is - I wanted that dang ring.

I admitted this to God, to myself, my husband, my children and even my recovery church community. Eventually. Why did I do that? I think the root of this habit of confession grew deep into my daily living as a result of working the 12 steps. In the Fifth Step (We admitted to God, to ourselves and another human, the exact nature of our wrongs), conveniently following our Fourth Step inventory, we are taught how to come clean. This requires more than just honesty. It asks us to tell the truth.

In the Big Book of AA it says, “This is perhaps difficult - especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves [in the Fourth Step]. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives….They took inventory all right, but hung onto some of the worst items in stock.”1

The Big Book warns us that there is a distinction between honesty and truth; it matters.

1 Alcoholics Anonymous, The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism, Third Edition, 1976, pp. 72-73.

Wherever you go, there you are.

One week into an extended vacation I hit upon a harsh reality: wherever I go, whatever I do, my anxiety comes with me.

It was the PERFECT vacation. But even perfect conditions were not enough to magically turn me into someone I am not. This caught me off guard and left me feeling vulnerable.

In Augusten Burrough’s memoir, THIS IS HOW, he writes, “In fact, you can be a very honest person and yet not be living a truthful life. And not even realize it. This matters because stripping away all the inaccuracies, misunderstandings, and untruths that surround you is exactly how you can overcome anything at all.”

In all honesty and prior to my vacation epiphany, I would have told you that I am anxious BECAUSE...and given you a plethora of reasons for why I am anxious. I would be speaking from a place of honesty, but not truth.

Burrough’s continues, “Truth is accuracy. Without accuracy, you can’t expect to manifest large, specific changes in your life. It’s not enough to believe something is true...Because we only rarely have the opportunity to know the full truth about something, we have to try for as much accuracy as possible. Accuracy can be thought of as an incremental percentage of the truth...This is not the truth you tell yourself in order to not rock the boat, or to smooth things over or keep everyone comfortable. The truth is humbling, terrifying, and often exhilarating...This is why your search for the solution to the problems, issues, and obstacles you’re dealing with in your own life must begin with your mouth. Specifically, the lies that come out of it.”

Has your best effort at honesty left you wanting more? Let’s look for a bit more truth…

Stay tuned.