If you're going to confess, make it legit

Suppose my husband comes home from work and as he walks through the door I yell, “Hey! You know I love you AND I am really sorry for what I did!”

My husband is going to wonder - What exactly did she do?

He might flashback to the time I ran over one of our cats (she survived) and wonder if I repeated that horrible mistake. He might wonder if I went window shopping and “accidentally” bought a new sofa (these things happen). If he is the suspicious type or if I am a wife who has taught him to distrust me, he might wonder if I am confessing to an affair.

He is NOT going to accept my blanket apology, nor should he. My generalized, haphazard admission of wrongdoing is inadequate. These kinds of “sorries” are nothing but trouble. His imagination may be bigger than my offense. Even if he is an absolute sucker, or just too tired to think and nods and says, “Fine.” Is that helpful? No, because the imprecise nature of the confession does not relieve me of the burden of knowing and admitting the exact nature of my wrong.

It is honest to admit that I have made a mistake. Naming the exact nature of what I did wrong gets closer to the truth. This required specificity is for our own healing.

Spend some time thinking about when you have tried to skate by with honesty without doing the hard work of telling the truth. Unsatisfying, right?

A Meditation Moment

Here is a suggested meditation that might be useful if you also struggle with telling God the truth.

1. Sit quietly; breathe; imagine God sitting in the chair across from you.

2. Tell God that you are having a hard time trusting him with the truth about you.

3. Breathe. Sit quietly. Allow God to woo you.

That’s enough for one day. One of the things I love about God is that he supports our smallest right steps.

Confession just feels "wrong"

In my family, admitting anything was a sign of weakness. I am predisposed to resist admitting stuff. I have had seasons when I was particularly irritated about having to share my shame with God.

“Doesn’t he already know?” I whine.

“Isn’t God ALL KNOWING?” I asked with a large dose of sarcasm.

When I kept quiet, my bones wore out;
I was groaning all day long
- every day, every night! -
because your hand was heavy upon me.
My energy was sapped as if in a summer drought.
So I admitted my sin to you; I didn’t conceal my guilt.
“I’ll confess my sins to the Lord,” is what I said.
~ Psalm 32:3-5, CEB


Does God know everything? If so, why do I have to experience the humiliation of telling God what he already knows? A careful reading of scripture reveals times when it does seem like God does not actually know every single thing. Sometimes we humans seem to catch God off guard.

Maybe God DOES know everything. When that voice in my head whines, “Doesn’t God know everything?” I have learned to respond with “Who knows? Stop distracting yourself from doing your part to heal.”


Whether God has the capacity to know everything about us before we even know it ourselves or not - admitting, confessing, sharing our most embarrassing truths - is good for the soul.

Healthy shame is an invitation

Healthy shame tells us that something is wrong now and invites us to examine ourselves. It invites us to reconsider our actions or change our thoughts.

Although shame feels quite unpleasant, it is a temporary emotional spike. When we are in the midst of a shameful attack, our spiritual disciplines can provide relief from the unpleasant symptoms. This is helpful to know because without tools, shame is so uncomfortable that our mind and body want to flee.

In our suffering, we will go to great lengths to distract or numb ourselves. Does this work? Yes, temporarily. Does it heal? Hell no!

Some suggestions when under attack from shame:

1. Find folks who can validate your feelings, are mature enough to not join in your instinct to flee by trying to talk you out of your feelings, and who believe in you enough to support the hard work of recovery.

2. Find a good counselor to help you face your shame and repair any damage you have caused that is unresolved.

3. Are you eating well, getting rest, hydrating, spending time in nature? Create a self-care plan. Put that self-care plan in place.. Share it with a trusted ally.

4. A healthy, supportive and non-shaming spiritual component of your recovery program can help mitigate these shame triggers even as you address your issues. Assess your spiritual support. Does it need a boost?

How shame can help (sometimes)

Shame can be good. 

That doesn’t sound true, does it?  Honestly, shame is a miserable experience.  What good can possibly come from shame?  Here are some examples of the gift of shame:

●       “When I sobered up in the jail cell after my DUI, I felt so ashamed I thought it would kill me.  My own parents lost their parental rights because of their drug use.  I could NOT leave my children to experience the same kind of loss.  When I was released, I went straight into treatment.  Sure, it required me to leave my kids for awhile.  But I knew that it was the only way to become a parent they could count on.”

●       “I was doing okay.  But when people I knew from high school saw me at my job, I felt embarrassed.  I just knew that I was ashamed of myself for not completing my degree, then just getting by with a job I hated.  Ultimately, it was easier to go back to school then it was to live with the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was not living the life that I wanted for myself.”

●       “I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t plagued with shame.  When I would come home from school anxious and feeling inadequate, my mom would give me cookies and coke.  I continued the coping strategy until I ate all the time.  Finally, I realized that I was stuffing my feelings by numbing myself with food.  I could not keep going like this, so I got help for my disordered eating and my inability to manage my feelings in a healthy way.”

Too much shame can trap us in unhealthy patterns of dealing with our despair.  Too little shame and we are less likely to recognize and seek help for our issues.  Helpful shame is a feeling that is temporary AND motivating.  It awakens us to the reality that we need to attend to an issue that is hurting our capacity to thrive.  Shame can be like a good friend who is willing to tell you that you have a blueberry stuck between your two front teeth right before you go on stage to deliver a speech to thousands. 

Is your shame trying to teach you something?