Receive confessions gracefully

So often faith communities do a poor job of receiving the confession of others. Mutual aid societies like AA and NA and the like have often done a better job of it. But the roots of confession run deep. In the scriptures there are several exhortations to confess, here are two that you may find helpful.

Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.
~James 5:16, The Message

If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.
~1 John 1:8-9, The Message

There is something so sacred and beautiful about receiving the gift of love and compassion from a person who knows us through and through. If scripture is not particularly inspiring for you, the Big Book says, “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem [or our substance use disorder or our compulsivity problem] has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel that we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.”

We cannot do this alone. Together, we can do hard things.

Admitting wrongdoing leads to healing

Visitation hours are flexible at the large teaching hospital in our community.  Late night calls requesting a visit are not a problem; the hospital won’t kick you out and parking spaces are available.  Secrets seem safer to share in the dark.  I do not personally know the person I am visiting.  I will never see her again; this is an attractive option for her because she is dying and has something to confess.

Before she tells me her deep, dark secret she wants to know:

●       Am I able to hear her story without judgment?  Am I able to sit with compassion and empathy without imposing my own values and beliefs on her story?

●       Am I trustworthy?  Am I willing to hold confidentiality unless to do so would harm the person or others? (This involves future harming, not righting past wrongs.)

For whatever reason, God has decided that he wants to share his divine creative work with mere mortals.  He trusts us to act as his hands and feet.  Witnessing a confession is part of the work we are asked to share with God. It is not a therapy session nor is it intended as a pep talk.  It is a sacred time when the confessor holds back absolutely nothing in recounting the exact nature of his or her wrongs.  Not everyone can handle this sort of experience.  Usually it requires that the listener has their own experience with making confessions and receiving grace and mercy from their own listener. 

When we hesitate to confess, we may be missing an opportunity to become a vault for other’s confessions.  Now THAT would be a shame, because sharing our suffering is sacred and deeply healing.

Tempted to shortchange the work of admitting your wrongs?  Please reconsider.  It may be a pathway to your own healing, and your capacity to join God in the work of healing for others.

A Meditation Moment

Another meditation moment.

1.      Sit quietly; breathe; imagine God sitting in the chair across from you.

2.      Share with God the exact nature of something you have done that is wrong.  One thing.  Just one. 

Sit quietly.  Breathe.  Invite God to comfort you.  Go for a walk or take a nap.  Do something that is gentle and restorative.  Notice how this confession affects you in the days ahead.  You may find a bit more peace.  Your body may be more relaxed.  You might just laugh more often!

Confessing sucks, but not confessing sucks even more

A reporter stands and asks a famous person a question related to alleged wrongdoing. The exchange is filmed and available for all the world to see. Would it make sense for the questioner to be careless in her response? No. This is serious business and she is on record.

She answers the question with an affirmation of her willingness to cooperate fully and providing information she has about the scandal at hand. When the inevitable follow up question is raised, asking more specifically about when she would share the information requested of her, she denies that she ever said she would cooperate.

The reporter, stunned, replies, “But Madam, you JUST said you would cooperate fully by doing such-and-so.” (I will leave the specifics out to protect the guilty.)

She replies, “I did not.”

“Yes you did!” shouts the crowd. As expected, this exchange is played on all the major networks over and over. She looks ridiculous. She looks bad. She even looks a bit unhinged.

The human brain is wired for survival and it will go to great lengths to do so. This includes stubborn resistance to admitting wrongdoing. Acknowledging that we have done wrong can cost us relationships, jobs, financial security and really punch our pride in the face.

But wait a second - NOT acknowledging wrongdoing eventually guarantees that same outcome without the added goodwill and clean conscious that admitting our wrongdoing may have provided. Failing to admit wrongdoing compounds the problem. It turns a mistake into a cover-up, a human failing into the possibility that our character will be judged deficient.

The courage it takes to tell the truth is significant but the potential for future payoff is grand. It teaches us that our shame lies. We learn that we are not alone in our weaknesses. We discover that acknowledgement is restorative. It does cost us our secrets. But failure to acknowledge the truth about ourselves can bankrupt us physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Our wrongdoing is rarely a secret. Somebody knows. In the example above, the evidence was gathered. Technically, her cooperation was not needed to prove her wrongdoing. Her unwillingness to acknowledge her mistake will ultimately cost her more because she will now be judged for her lack of remorse and her arrogance. Plus, people made a bunch of memes about the exchange and now she is the punchline of jokes.

Our wrongdoings happen in patterns

Telling the truth is hard work.  Often we are unaware of the truth about ourselves.  Our shame triggers a response that causes us to abort a search for meaningful insights and run from the truth.  

But we can discover the exact nature of our wrongs. Once we are able to provide tools to deal with our shame, we are able to notice patterns of wrongdoing.  We are a people who embrace patterns, and this is also true as it relates to our wrongs. 

Have you noticed that your shame stories have some similar patterns?  Do you have a problem with blaming others?  Do you make excuses for yourself rather than accepting personal responsibility?  Do you avoid conflict at the expense of intimacy?  Are you super aggressive acting but really feel afraid?  Are you too quick to say you are sorry when you are NOT sorry?  What habits do you practice that trigger shame?