Faith frees us from our shortcomings (even if they're still there)

Yesterday we started a conversation about Step Six; you might want to review that post before continuing…

Step Six sounds deceptively clear.  We are entirely ready to have our shortcomings removed by God.  Period.  Of course, we are not naive, we know another step is going to clarify and expand the work once we take this sixth step.  But I think there is more to this step than it shows us on face value.  I do not believe the 12-step authors got tired and added an easy step in the middle so they could take the day off and go to the beach.

Readiness for God to remove our defects of character involves not just talking, reading, considering or expressing our spirituality in the ways that others (and ourselves) recognize. Clearly the clerk at Home Goods has a picture of what church should be and by golly - it should not be soft, inviting or cozy.  Church, from her framework, is serious business.  And it is BUT….

It is also more. It is about experiencing life in a new way.   Spirituality makes us capable of specific kinds of experiences, ones that self-will cannot produce.  If we are available, we can see and understand God, ourselves and others differently.  This new way of being frees us from the grip of our shortcomings in ways that are mysterious and attributable only to God!  This new way of seeing and being goes great with big chunky afghans and cozy seating arrangements!

We rely on God to change us

One of the simplest and most difficult steps in the 12-step process is the Sixth:  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.  This is a natural progression for folks who have worked the first five steps, but I also think some of the things this step teaches us are universal and helpful to all.  For the next few days I’m going to share some things I have learned from this simple step. 

This particular step challenges the participant in two ways as it requires a complete willingness to have God do for us what we cannot do on our own and a commitment to the ongoing work of admitting that we have shortcomings. As have previous steps, this one may challenge our more traditional way of thinking about our faith.  In a world that often asks us to give more to God as an act of contrition, love or obedience, this step invites us to release, let go and surrender.

If you ever visited our church, you would not be overly impressed.  We struggle to define ourselves in large part because we don’t try to unless someone presses us.  Various attempts have been made:  are we a recovery church, a church in recovery, a treatment facility, a ministry - who are we?  Our favorite tagline is, “We are not much of a church.” We have no strategic goals or mission statement.  We do not keep a membership roll and we are hopeless at the administrative tasks that enable more traditional churches to grow and thrive.  Most churches focus on what they can give; often we are surprised by what we receive. 

Our cheap chairs  were getting old and starting to collapse on people and we needed to buy new ones. As a pure gift, a business owner discounted new cushy chairs AND offered us some free modular pieces that made for comfy sitting in our common area.  Inspired by this new look, I went to the local Home Goods store and purchased some soft white plush accent pillows, a chunky afghan to throw over the back of one of the sofas, candles, fake plants and a couple end tables.  As I was checking out, the clerk commented, “You must be redecorating your den.”

“Not my house, my church!  I’m super excited!” I gushed.

Her head popped up and she stared in shock.  “This does not look appropriate for a church.”  She scowled to emphasize my poor choosing.

“Well,” I said, “we’re not much of a church.”

“Why do you go there then?”  She asked, clearly confused. 

“I’m the pastor.”  I responded.  Silence.  She couldn’t get rid of me fast enough.  We are not much of a church if you define church as a place we gather to give back.  But if you believe God wants more for us, he wants us to receive, heal, and rest - our chunky afghan and soft white pillows are the perfect accessories.

We struggle to know the difference between a problem and a solution

Because it is so challenging to nail down our personal shortcomings, we sometimes need help differentiating between our shortcomings and the consequences of our shortcomings.  We also confuse cause and effect.  For example, unlike the people who love folks struggling with substance use disorder (SUD), those who have one understand that their substance use of choice has solved problems for them.  If asked, they might report that it serves a social lubricant; maybe it reduces anxiety and lifts depression.  They might say that it  helps them forget their problems, at least briefly! They may feel more capable or optimistic when they use.  Others may not understand that, for them, using is the solution to their problems.

However, it is true that SUD causes problems.  Big problems.  Part of the denial process that is inevitable with SUD is related to their inability to see these consequences as related to their own usage.  This is true for all of us, whether or not we have a substance use disorder.  Growing and healing requires that we become willing to consider the possibility that we are confused about where to find workable solutions and identify the root of many of our issues. Here is a list of a few of the consequences character defects can cause us to experience:

Loss of: self-respect, innocence, intimacy, values, sexual health, boundaries, trust, self-control, credit, ability to work, property, relationships we care about, spiritual connection, driving privileges, freedom.

Persistent feelings of: guilt, shame, humiliation, rejection, isolation, stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness, numbness, self-hatred, inadequacy, failure.

Instances of: abuse, health problems, financial distress, divorce, family and friend alienation, job problems.

These issues raise big flags of concern, but they may not necessarily reveal our root problems.  It often takes a supportive community to help us ferret out what is our part to work on, and what is God’s part to heal.  For today, just know that these descriptions do not have to be part of your daily life experience.

Trying to change our shortcomings

Perhaps you have been told you that you have “issues”.  What are we supposed to do with that kind of feedback?  Certainly there is a hope or expectation that we will change.  But change is much trickier when we are trying to do it ourselves.

Maybe our “issues” are symptoms of something deeper.  Maybe they are the by-product of having long held patterns and habits that stand between us and our best life.  In recovery, we call these shortcomings or defects of character.  Although there are many options for our list of character defects, here are a few suggestions to get you started thinking about your own shortcomings:  anger, resentment, hate, lust, greed, sloth, jealousy, envy, procrastination, paranoia, suspicious-ness, pessimism, depression, unkindness, dishonesty, worrisome-ness, tenseness, irresponsibility, defensiveness, insecurity, lying, pride, oversensitivity, narcissism, indifference, violence, perfectionism, self-justification, rationalization, self-pity, self-centeredness, fear, anxiety, approval-seeking, impatience, gossip, laziness, rudeness, ingratitude, inconsistency, arrogance, phoniness, obsessing over the past and/or future, impulsivity, aimlessness, rigidity, judgmentalism, smugness, stubbornness, selfishness, self-indulgence, intolerance, unrealistic, unreasonableness, distorted expectations, control, domination, disagreeableness, whining and complaining, complacency, indiscretion, insincerity, evasiveness, despondency, over-compliance, panic, manipulation, isolation, withdrawal, domineering, disrespect of self.

You will notice that there are some emotions on this list.  Feelings in and of themselves are NOT shortcomings, they are warning lights trying to get our attention.  BUT if we over-use them, they can become shortcomings.  Feelings are supposed to show up for tea, provide information that we are then supposed to address, and leave before dinner.  Our rumination, our reliance on our feelings alone to make decisions - this is misusing them and that’s why they may show up on your list of limitations. 

In the days ahead, I am going to suggest some things that I hope might help us wrestle with God’s perspective on our limitations - and his invitation to help us.

Learning to look past defensiveness

I have the habit of completely missing my most pervasive shortcomings when I try to tell the truth about myself. For me, this often boils down to telling the truth about my defensive attitude and contrarian tendencies. Without feedback I would not have seen this about myself. But feedback with me is tricky because I am defensive and a contrarian sort of human. (See how that works? It’s hard!!)

It wasn’t like this should have been difficult to spot. My husband and I were friends when we were in high school. We’ve been arguing for many decades. During the course of these spats, Pete has told me that I am hard to confront because I am so DEFENSIVE.

Me? Defensive? I usually replied with something like - “I AM NOT DEFENSIVE! I AM JUST EXPLAINING STUFF YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND!”

Yeah. I am defensive. But I could not SEE it. In the middle of a disagreement, it is hard to hear about our wrongdoing or shortcomings. If we are defensive types, we may just think the other person is trying to WIN. But when we commit to confession, we give another person permission to notice and call to our attention the possible shortcomings that we are missing.

Frankly, humans have a lot in common despite all our superficial differences. Often others recognize our issues because they are personally familiar with them. Remember, we asked for feedback. Those who hear us confess have options for spending their time doing other things - like a crossword puzzle and drinking coffee in peace and quiet. Additionally, confessors provide feedback for the purpose of keeping us on track. We may get caught up in our stories; they are focused on listening for an admission of wrongdoing. They are picking up on patterns that we may miss.

Our shortcomings are patterns that we have developed that ALWAYS offer a justification for our actions. We can spend our entire life NOT accepting hard truths about ourselves - but the consequences are devastating AND not nearly as freeing as figuring out that having faults is part of the standard package that comes with being human.

Are you willing to push past your defensiveness, just a tiny bit? If so, it may be time to find a way to talk to someone and get some help figuring out how your shortcomings are holding you back.