Getting real about relationship intelligence

Buckle up buttercup: It’s time to get real about your relationship intelligence


How many ways is it possible to be misunderstood, disappointed, disconnected and crushed in relationships? You do NOT have enough time to hear them all. Over the holiday season, many of us rubbed shoulders with those we love but do not necessarily understand and, dare I say it, do not like so much. This can be fun, challenging, exciting or painful. Our reactions to interactions with people we love can be extreme because, in love relationships, the stakes are high, and we are sensitive to relational disruptions (as we should be). No child ever loses the desire for approval and acceptance from a parent. As a parent, I LOVE being around my children and, truth be told, long for their approval and acceptance too. Am I needy? Yeah, sure! But I suspect you are too. We are all created for connection and some relationships are very high stakes in terms of vulnerability. If my neighbor cannot remember how I like my coffee, no big deal. When my husband of over 40 years asks me what I want in my morning brew, I wonder: does he even see me?


Today we start fresh. It’s 2020. I suspect we all want to lose a few Christmas cookie pounds, maybe read the bible in a year, or perhaps find a new job. But what we all LONG FOR, is loving relationships. We can easily find programs for weight loss, a plan for reading the bible in digestible chunks and even coaches to help us get a job - even change careers. But let me ask you a question: How intentionally have you worked on building better relationships? Sure, we want them - but what have we DONE to change our way of relating? Beginning today, we are going to blog about, teach classes on (check out our website for details), preach and pray for change, and prod ourselves to make this a priority. I promise you, we all have work to do in this area. Are you ready? Willing?

Living out of love can look many different ways

Yesterday I suggested that once we become kids of God, it changes how we live and love.  Earlier I talked about how in my family, we have a couple grandchildren that we are in love with.  We clap when Christian uses the potty like a big boy and thank Norah for telling us that she’s pooped.  They cry, we nurture; they laugh, we giggle back!

We aren’t so great at treating messy adults with as much delight.  And hey, I get that too.  It’s called developmentally APPROPRIATE, right?

But the larger point isn’t how we love one another, although I believe this is directly related to the point I am trying to address.  As kids of God we receive a call to return back to the foundations of where love begins - the love of our Father God.  The scriptures say it like this:   “Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Whoever seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door is opened.  Who among you will give your children a stone when they ask for bread?  Or give them a snake when they ask for fish?  If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him.  Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you; this is the Law and the Prophets.  Matthew 7:7-12, CEB

The birth of Jesus is a defining, disruptive, even offensive moment in history.  It demands that all of us consider and reconsider our own ways of both giving and receiving love.  Christmas is 21 days away.  Tough decisions will be made by many of us regarding how we choose to express our love for other mere mortals this holiday season.  I would never dare to presume to tell another how to love, heck, I have my own issues to sort through in this department.  But I would suggest to you what I am telling myself. Any decision I make must be made within the parameters of love.  Hear me out on this one - this is like playing ten-dimensional chess, because we have to ponder the needs of ourselves, our families, our friends and even our enemies.  This is not a simple thing.  But I suspect that the struggle is valued by God.  I think it makes him smile when his kids care enough to wrestle with how to love well.

A Meditation Moment

A recommended prayer for those who are sort of willing...

God, I am as ready as I can be to have you remove my limitations, enduring vulnerabilities, defects of character, and shortcomings.  I sincerely desire for you to remove them and I admit that I may still be attached to some of them as well.  I am worried that I might be missing some too.  Without your intervention, I see no way out.  I have tried everything I know to do and I still end up back at the same place of suffering and causing harm.  I’ve made poor choices, sabotaged myself and developed some habits that feel impossible to change.  I find myself repeating old familiar patterns, and I am ready for that to end.  I’m trying to survive and my life is hard.  I am entirely ready for you to help me change my life, relinquish my old ways of being in this world, and find a new life of love.  Show me your presence, give me assurances along the way that as the old ways slip away, the new ways will provide me with what I need to thrive.

Surrendering control

Find a quiet place to go and sit quietly.  Consider all that you have been learning about yourself.  When you are ready, tell God what you are willing to surrender for his removal.  Let God know which defects you cannot quite part with, and remind him that these are not up for grabs just yet.  If you feel so inclined, ask for the willingness at some point in the future to give up the limitations you choose to hold onto.

We have the freedom to choose

Perhaps you have noticed that God does a lot of the hard work of on our behalf.  This does not mean that we are passive observers waiting for God to suck out our shortcomings like a shop vac. 

Our undesirable habits hinder our ability to thrive.  They show up as faults, weaknesses, failings, limitations, obsolete survival skills and more.  They trigger guilt and shame.  They embarrass us. 

God wants us to live in peace, experience joy, purpose, meaning and satisfaction.  It should  be obvious that God is in agreement with us that these limitations need to go!  But here’s the other thing about God that is super important to keep in mind.

He is not like our codependent mothers, willing to go to any lengths to help us avoid the consequences of our actions.  He is not like our codependent fathers, who also go to any lengths to keep us from continuing down a self-destructive path.  He is not like our siblings or friends who pick up our tabs or let us crash on their new sofas because they are afraid we will die out in the world under a bridge.

God is not willing to go to any lengths.  He is only willing to go as far as you have invited him to travel with you.  He will NOT come in and over run your unwillingness.  He will not remove defects you are holding onto.  God has boundaries.  Your willingness is the key that unlocks the door that invites God in to do his work of removal and restoration.  God respects you enough to allow you to decide your readiness for transformation in your own timeframe. 

This is your choice and your responsibility.  How are you doing with the fine art of willingness?