Meditation Moment

One of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves and our loved ones is to give ourselves to silence, stillness, and solitude. This just resets us in some sacred way that I cannot understand, but appreciate with all my heart.

Today, give yourself some quiet time. If not today, open your calendar and find a spot to pencil yourself in. Dare to give yourself an hour if you are unaccustomed to these practices and work your way up to a half day, or maybe even a whole day to yourself!

For now, with the time you have, breathe and reflect…

Let there be spaces in your togetherness [with others]. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you [and the world]. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

~ Kahil gibran, The Prophet

Affirming and Appreciating goes a long way

It takes two to speak the truth - one to speak and another to hear.

- Henry David Thoreau

One of the reasons Linda and I can discuss conflict in communication issues is because we habit this habit of working to see and affirm what is good in the other person. This makes for a safe environment for opening up about what is not working as great as it could in the relationship.

It’s crucial that we not assume the other person knows how much we care about them and see them from a place of unconditional positive regard. This can be true especially in relationships where we see each other often. Heck, some weeks I spend more time with Linda than I do with my husband.

It’s helpful in all relationships to not be stingy with affirmations. This makes it easier to speak, and easier to hear - all the time.

We can affirm another by -

* Wishing them well - Good luck this weekend!
* Showing affection - You’re such a good friend!
* Gratitude - Thanks for listening to me!

CHALLENGE: It is tempting to believe that relationships improve when we constantly correct small issues. It is ok to do that, so long as you are first and foremost, taking time to give honest affirmations. You cannot lie in an affirmation, or exaggerate, that’s manipulation. But we can all look for ways to affirm! Affirm away! See what happens!

Learn to properly judge how "big" an event is

My friend Linda and I have learned to improve our listening to one another by taking into account my limitations. My personality can get pretty worked up if I think there is a threat to our community. I can be reactive in this way. There are many reasons for this, but I will not bore you with my issues.

Conversely, Linda has a flare for the dramatic. She enjoys using words like “disaster.” Most of the time she is poking fun at an annoying situation; most of the time we both think it is funny. But sometimes it short-circuits our communication.

I asked Linda to help me by saving the word for real world problems. We decided the printer running out of ink was not a disaster but someone over-dosing in the bathroom might be a BIG problem. We decided that running out of orange juice on Sunday mornings was not a disaster but the death of someone in our community was a disaster.

Basically, the two of us are working on intensity.

Here are some examples of how to NOT either overstate or understate an issue.

* That sounds a bit confusing.
* You must be somewhat upset.
* You kind of doubt whether he is being truthful.
* You seem a little nervous.

Need more intensity?
* You seem very confident about that opinion.
* There is a lot going on.
* You’re really irritated.
* That will definitely not work.

I sometimes amplify my comments beyond reason when I feel unheard. But lately I’ve been realizing that amplifying my comments in the hope that it will improve listening is like me yelling louder in English at a person who only speaks Portugese.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
~Will Rogers

Curious listening can be done without a word. But for those of us who are struggling to listen at all - shutting up may be a bridge too far. Maybe start by changing your responding. Using open questions, rather than closed ones is a great start.

Closed questions are great for fact gathering or simple questions like - do you want cream in your coffee? But to really hear another person, we need to find a way to listen without throwing up unintentional roadblocks.

A mom and her daughter popped in one day to ask us some questions. We did not know them, but they had heard that our community supported recovery and they worried that they needed more resources. It was an hour of complete frustration.

Every time the daughter tried to share, the mom jumped in to amplify, correct, defend herself or passively accuse her daughter. It was hard to make progress in creating an environment of mutual respect and effective listening. Finally I had enough. Each was put on a timer and given 3 minutes to speak, alternating between the two of them. I pulled out a handout and asked them to start over, using only these questions to converse with one another. They were allowed only one question for follow up. If they wanted to follow up, I suggested they pause to ask the question they really valued.

* What was that like for you?
* What’s troubling you?
* What do YOU want to change?

Instantly the room was filled with peace. Quiet fell. There were pauses between sound bites. It got immediately harder to attack and defend and parlay. We got farther in 15 minutes then we had in the previous 45. By the end, they were hugging it out and expressing love for one another. Insights emerged.

CHALLENGE: The next time you are having a conversation with someone, try sticking to one open-ended follow up question. Try to remember that the only goal you need to have is to listen and learn. You can find fault and defend yourself later!!!

Things to avoid in order to listen well

I often need examples of what NOT to do, so here goes:

Do NOT practice DIRECTING - telling someone what to do, commanding them
Do NOT practice WARNING - naming potential dangers; this can feel like a threat
Do NOT practice the RIGHTING REFLEX - telling someone what they should do
Do NOT practice PERSUADING - lecturing, arguing, reasoning
Do NOT practice MORALIZING - using the “should” word
Do NOT practice JUDGING - blaming, criticizing or disagreeing
Do NOT practice SHAMING - ridiculing, teasing, condescending
Do NOT practice ANALYZING OR PROBING - interrogating
Do NOT practice DISTRACTING - using humor, changing the subject or withdrawing

Here is a shocker for you:
Do NOT practice AGREEING - this sounds like approving or praising - not our job!
Do NOT practice REASSURING - sympathizing or consoling

“What? Why not?”

Basically, these various common and often-used conversational styles block listening. They imply that we know better or worse, encourage the speaker to stop talking.

CHALLENGE: I use some of these all the time. I need to work on this. How about you? Which do NOTs do you practice often? Pay attention to these, and see if you can observe yourself causing disruptions in your intention to listen well.