God is too generous to "need" us to fix ourselves

In the Sixth Step, we believe that only God can remove our shortcomings and heal our enduring vulnerabilities. If we wrestle a bit with the truth of our desire to control, succeed and dominate, we may find willingness to surrender them once we see how hurtful they are to us and others.


But even our most sincere willingness will not be enough to help us complete this step if we have concerns about God’s intentions toward us. In my own recovery, this was a huge stumbling block. My exposure to God’s people filled me with some false impressions about God; my understanding of him needed to grow before I could let go of anything that seemed to help me cope with my life.


I had often wondered if God wanted his people to sacrifice and suffer without regard to their own wellbeing. It seemed a likely possibility when missionaries came to our church and told their stories of sacrifice. Although they often glowed with the zeal of true converts I often wondered: is this for real? I especially remember a favorite hymn that often accompanied these testimonials, “Every Day with Jesus is Sweeter than the Day Before”. (The lyrics, in case you are interested: Every day with Jesus Is sweeter than the day before, Every day with Jesus I love Him more and more. Jesus saves and keeps me. And He's the one I'm waiting for. Every day with Jesus. Is sweeter than the day before[3]) I could not understand God from this framework of seeing, especially in early recovery when I was being encouraged to feel my feelings, get more honest - all without my favorite numbing agent.


Other times I wondered if God was more like Santa, running his heavenly operation via a series of quid pro quos. I follow the rules; he gives me goodies. I disobey the rules; he sends a small plague to whip me in shape.


Who can trust a god like this with our defects of character?


Fortunately, I learned that I did not have to trust a God that demanded sacrifice, perkiness and shady backroom deals.

A Meditation Moment

Despite rumors about God’s absence, judgment or cruelty, this is what the scriptures actually say about God. Spend a few minutes reflecting on God’s character and love for you.

“Listen to me, family of Jacob,
    everyone that’s left of the family of Israel.
I’ve been carrying you on my back
    from the day you were born,
And I’ll keep on carrying you when you’re old.
    I’ll be there, bearing you when you’re old and gray.
I’ve done it and will keep on doing it,
    carrying you on my back, saving you.”

~ Isaiah 46:3-4, MSG

Our need to survive can cloud our judgment

I have enduring vulnerabilities and so do you. Enduring vulnerabilities are predispositions and patterns of behaving that are not in our best interest, do not reflect our core values, hide our best selves, and harm others. These patterns are longstanding. They resist removal.


Enduring vulnerabilities deserve our compassion because they once served a purpose that may have been helpful. My feisty (defensive, fearful and dishonest) self served me at times when my father was going ballistic. I could shock him with my occasional assertiveness and occasionally he would back down. I appreciate how this helped me survive. Other times, I dodged metaphorical bullets by being sneaky, or falsely compliant. But these coping strategies are also shortcomings. Letting go of my enduring, although understandable, vulnerabilities requires that I courageously release three common needs:


1. The need to be in control
2. The need to succeed
3. The need to be right


We are all “attached” to our primal need to survive which often involves control, success, and the capacity to out-maneuver our enemy. In active addiction (there are thousands of dependencies - what are yours?), we need to control our use, our success depends on our capacity to get access to our substance(s) of choice, and our very survival means that we HAVE to be in control. We are compelled to convince anyone who pays attention that we do NOT have a problem. Whether that problem is over-spending, under-eating, using illegal substances or even religious zealousness.


These same issues apply to our enduring vulnerabilities. Think about it. Our shortcomings have been around since BEFORE we started using (whatever it is we depend on to distract us from self-awareness and our need to change). It is easy to make excuses about our character flaws and blame them on someone else. Although our shortcomings may become more obvious or more extreme in their expression under stress, the seeds of our deficiencies have been germinating since we were young.


This is true for everyone. The fortunate ones are those who have been granted the gift of desperation and the opportunity to surrender them for a better way of living.

A Meditation Moment

Take a few moments for reflection. What would it mean for you to grow still; to give up on your personal self-improvement projects. What would it feel like to let go and let God?

The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.

~ Exodus 14:14, NIV

Our responses to pain can teach us something about our character defects

My dreams started out bigger than hitting 80 pounds on a scale. My whole life I wanted to grow up to be the kind of woman who made a difference. I feared that my own mother, born in a different time and place, had wasted her potential by denying and ignoring her dreams. My mother was like one of those houseplants that can thrive anywhere but would probably do best if you didn’t uproot her every 18 months. In a moment of rare vulnerability, she once confided how hard it was to stay with my dad and roam from city-to-city in search of his perfect job. But it was harder to leave; she loved him; she didn’t know how she would support four kids.

I observed how she coped with each move, ordering her life around her soap operas - The Young and the Restless, As The World Turns, and The Guiding Light. Whatever state she lived in she could always count on tuning in to see what nefarious deed Victor was up to while she waited with baited breath to see if Nicky would take the scoundrel back. I wanted more than tv buddies.

When I went to the University of Virginia in 1974 I was part of the second class of female admissions in what had traditionally been an all male school. It was brutal. The men were not happy. Fraternities assigned pledges to sit on the hill overlooking the Emmet Street Bridge - a crossing point for anyone headed to the cafeteria. Armed with cardboard signs, these recruits would rate each of us on a scale of 1 - 10 every single night when we headed to dinner. It did something to me. Already self-conscious about my appearance this public shaming paired with the ability to stop eating without anyone noticing was a killer combination. My eating disorder took off.

Notice the following:

* Not all women subjected to this abuse developed an eating disorder.

* I have a genetic predisposition for addiction. Some in my family use drugs, others alcohol. I developed what is called a “process addiction,” which pretty much means a compulsive behavior that is not related to alcohol or drugs.

* I needed opportunity. At home I would have been fussed at for wasting food. I would have been called out for weird eating behavior. At college, no one noticed.

* My body responded to the experience with delight. It felt good to starve. I felt powerful. For whatever reason, my body fed me positive cues for restrictive eating. Each of us respond in distinctive ways to self-destructive behavior. This was mine.

Underneath these issues were my enduring vulnerabilities: fear and dishonesty. There are basically four defects of character: selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear. These are the issues the Sixth Step is asking us to acknowledge and prepare to let go and let God remove.