Resistance

When we consider making a list of all the folks we have harmed (Step 8), the step itself reads like this: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Like most things worth exploring, it is a process. The step is realistic. It says we “became” willing to make amends to this list of people we have harmed.

Resistance is presumed. Making an exhaustive list is not something we are automatically eager to complete.

Which reminds me, again, of God’s suggestions for us, his beloved creation.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Proverbs 3:5-8 MSG

God expects us to need direction; he presumes we will not “keep on track” unless we have yoked ourselves to him. In yesterday’s blog I quoted Matthew 11:28-30 (check it out!). In that passage, Jesus tells us to take his yoke upon us and he will lighten our load and give us rest.

My grandchildren show me the instinctual way of living. As we mature, we are given the opportunity to learn how to live interdependently. We learn how to ignore our base instincts - spitting, scratching, biting. But we have to replace them with better skill sets. We need to learn how to talk about our feelings of envy and jealousy. We need to learn how to use our emotions as barometers, not thermostats. God seems to think we cannot do that without him; with him, these things are not only possible, they are healthy. Our very bones vibrate with life!

Consider the possibility that leaning into God’s way is more freeing than constricting. What if his way of being is not about being rigid, right, and religiously correct? What if it is all about him coming along beside us and guiding us into a life of love, compassion and mercy?

God as Parent

I am reminded of how often God gives us a vision of our utter humanity. Limited. Immature. Unstable in all we do. Does he yell at us? Does he threaten us? Well, let’s see what he says about matters such as our frailty….

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

It totally makes sense that Creator God would appreciate and love the fragility of our human selves. As a grandmother, frail and human myself, I like to think that I have a heart of compassion and a bit of vision for my grandchildren. I do not bear the weight of their performance or achievement or even survival. They are small and easily overwhelmed in a world where they are just learning to not lick electrical outlets.

When they start freaking out, I know they need a nap or a snack. I understand they are over-stimulated and need a good book or mini-yoga - not an ipad or a new toy. So if I can understand this much, how much more does God understand us?

Take a few minutes and consider making a list that includes why compassion and care is what you and others need.

P.S. I am not saying that we eliminate consequences for bad behavior. When my grandkids get to tussling, we do not let them duke it out until someone is injured. We intervene. I think the most effective interventions are done quietly, calmly, but firmly. Harming behavior is interrupted. So let’s not get confused about this. There is a difference between compassion and no accountability. All I am saying is that compassion is imbedded in God’s response to us and I assume that it is good if we imbed compassion in our responses to ourselves and others.

My grandchildren are perfect...almost.

My grandchildren are at the lovely age where they have begun to harm one another. They take each other’s toys; they bite, tackle and scratch; they scream and declare their innocence while pointing accusatory stubby fingers at one another in righteous indignation. We call this toddler-hood but also worry a teeny tiny bit: what harm is done by a refused hug and kiss? An accusation? A childish jealousy?

Oh, how I wish my toddlers could be given the wisdom of loving kindness without the hassle of having to figure it out by trial and error! But this is not the way it works. ADULTS struggle with loving kindness - why, oh why, would I expect a toddler to get it?

No alcoholic or addict is free from the regret of hurting others, especially our family and friends. Our Step 8 list of the people we’ve harmed can feel like a ball and chain. To free ourselves, we must first recognize that not all of the harm came when we were drunk or stoned, but also in those behaviors and actions that came out of our illness - behaviors born of our selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.

Harm happens.

It is normal.

Sit with this reality. Consider how God responds to our limitations. Tomorrow, we will pick up with this same thought and actually look at what God has to say about our biting, scratching ways.

Harm and Self-Awareness

“Drinking heavily, you abandon people - and they abandon you - and you abandon yourself.”

Jack Kerouac, Some of the Dharma

And this is the sum of the problem, right? We abandon and are abandoned. We abandon ourselves. For all this - abandoning one another - it sometimes makes it hard to sit down and make a list of every single human we have ever harmed.

The young mother who abandoned her children to go smoke crack may have trouble seeing the harm when her own mother sold her to sex traffickers for heroin. The upright, uptight, high achieving and uber successful businessman struggles to see a connection between himself and his own father who abandoned him to serve jail time for felonious behavior.

But their children? They do not see the distinction. If you sat down and tried to make that list of all persons you had harmed, how would the harm done to you cloud your own self-awareness? How hard is it to see the ways you abandon yourself?

We must work with God in order to experience change

Perhaps you have noticed that God does a lot of the hard work of Step Six. But this does not mean that we are passive observers waiting for God to suck out our shortcomings like a shop vac.


Our undesirable habits hinder our ability to thrive. They show up as faults, weaknesses, failings, limitations, obsolete survival skills and more. They trigger guilt and shame. They embarrass us.


God wants us to live in peace, experience joy, purpose, meaning and satisfaction. It should be obvious that God is in agreement with us that these limitations need to go! But here’s the other thing about God that is super important to keep in mind.


He is not like our codependent mothers, willing to go to any lengths to help us avoid the consequences of our actions. He is not like our codependent fathers, who also go to any lengths to keep us from continuing down a self-destructive path. He is not like our siblings or friends who pick up our tabs or let us crash on their new sofas because they are afraid we will die out in the world under a bridge. Or, for those of us in less dramatic circumstances - all those people who are so afraid of hurting our feelings that they never rumble with us about the impact our limitations are having on them.


God is not willing to go to any lengths. He is only willing to go as far as we have invited him to travel with us. He will NOT come in and over run our unwillingness. He will not remove defects we are holding onto. God has boundaries. Our willingness is the key that unlocks the door that invites God in so that he can do his work of removal and restoration. God respects us enough to allow us to decide our readiness for transformation on our own timeframe.


The thoroughness of our willingness is our choice and our responsibility. There is no extra glory and bonus points for rushing; there is no shame in being honest about our ambivalence.