Gremlins of Shame

The day I forgot to show up for a meeting, where I was the speaker, was not my best day. But it turned out to be a great thing. This particular meeting had been on my calendar for a solid year. It was not a new event, one that might slip up on me unaware.

This was one of my favorite speaking gigs of the year, and this was probably my fifth time speaking at this annual event. The day of, I was not unduly stressed; no one was bleeding profusely and needed my attention while we waited for the rescue squad. In point of fact, when I took stock of the day, it felt so unusually NOT action-packed, I decided to paint my brick fireplace at 5 am. Just for fun.

So when the text arrived, “Are you ok? Are you coming?” I was….startled.

Oh my gosh, this is my worst nightmare. I HATE making mistakes, especially ones that impact others. I knew instantly what had happened, as the actual date rose to the top of my brain. My speaking gig. Oh my goodness.

What to do?

I wished I could turn off the phone and rewind time, but my time travel machine was on the fritz. I longed for a good excuse. Anyone in eminent danger that I can pin this on? Nope. Who paints a perfectly good fireplace at 5 am? What’s wrong with me?

These are the gremlins of shame. They are the voices of judgment, rejection and remorse. Notice the reflex that was missing: my first thoughts where not…I made a mistake; it was harming; I need to make an amends.”

However, in recovery, we do not have to rely on our instincts and reflexes - reflect on where those get us!! We have steps. We have procedures. We have principles to follow.

These steps, procedures and principles over-rode my baby survival instincts (as in, “never admit you are wrong” survival instinct) and I knew what to do. TEXT REPLY: “Oh gosh, I forgot. What can I do to make this right?”

TEXT RESPONSE: “It’s all good, we gotcha covered!” Acceptance. Rescue. Harm mitigated.

Now, there is more work to be done here. I will follow up. I will make a more formal amends. But hopefully, I will not make it worse by being a numbnut and trying to pretend I did not make a mistake.

I Wish...

“I wish you knew me before I was like this.”

Gil Scott-Heron, quoted in the New Yorker, August 9, 2010.

I wish I did not make mistakes that caused harm.

I wish people only saw me at my best.

I wish my best was good enough.

How about you?

Is it hard for you to feel: wrong, inadequate, not enough? Do you think feelings of “less than” make it more difficult for us to accept our limitations? Does that make it harder or easier to admit wrongdoing?

The Magic and Mystery of Acceptance

In a world that loves to judge, acceptance is a beautiful thing. It creates an environment where harm can be dealt with without a loss of relationship. In the arena of harm, forgiveness is one component that creates an environment of acceptance. In Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham’s book, The Spirituality of Imperfection, they share a story from an anonymous person they interviewed about the experience of forgiveness. This person had been harmed by another. She reported that over a long period of time she “just could not forgive.” Then one day she did. The interviewer wanted to know, “What the heck happened?” Although the ‘subject’ was unsure, upon a lot of reflection, she made the following connection:

“...I got involved in this thing at work, an affair with a guy in the office - oh, I love my husband, this was really just playing around, it wasn’t serious and I didn’t intend it to last, but...well, my husband found out about it, and he was really hurt and really angry...and you know what? I mean, you probably won’t believe this, but he forgave me!...And it is really good to know that he loves me even though I did that, to know that he’s forgiven me.”

She did not easily make the connection between her experience with being forgiven and her willingness to forgive. But I would suggest that acceptance was also a big part of her healing. What did she say? “It is really good to know that he loves me even though….”

If we are going to resolve harm through the work of amends, we will need to find a place we can run to for support - a place of acceptance.

What are you doing to create a world of acceptance? Whose lead can you follow in this work? Who might you nurture so they can follow you?

Experiences in Forgiveness

I wish I had more experience with forgiveness.

I wonder if we resist admitting wrongdoing because we have no experience with forgiveness; or, the experience we do have is discouraging. I don’t have many memories of being taught or shown how to forgive. Maybe a vague memory of someone instructing me, “Say you are sorry.”

It’s probable that in the moment of harm, asking the harmer to be sorry is a bridge too far. What if we had a different way of resolving harm? One that more comfortably fits this image of Jesus bearing the heavy yoke and us walking beside him. He is doing all the hard work - maintaining a straight line as he plows the field, knowing where we are headed and guiding us to our destination. But we are participating. We learn how to walk with him, not pull against the yoke because we learn that it is easier to cooperate than it is to fight the directional force of the lead ox.

What if instead we learned things like….

• When you hit your cousin, it hurts. Maybe we guide towards empathy: How does it feel when you get hit? Does it hurt? Is it safe to get hurt or hurt someone?

• Instead of simply avoiding the behavior that causes the hurt, could we have a conversation about how to deal with frustration? Envy? Anger? Change?

• Could we talk about how to make a wrong right rather than screaming from across the room, “Don’t be wrong!?!”

• What if we were taught the difference between an unsafe smack and gentle hands?

• What if the adults around us were gentle, calm, clear and delivered right-sized teaching instead of empty threats?

If we have only learned how to be sorry but have not been exposed to the sheer gift of forgiveness, is it any wonder we avoid talking about wrongdoing? How can we do this for each other, as adults? It seems to me that we are all in desperate need of learning skill sets that connect us better, one to another.

I do not know how it works, do you?

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, readers are told that resentment is a destructive force that has killed more alcoholics than drinking. Resentment is a repetitive feeling. It takes the experience of anger and removes it from its appropriate attachment to a specific event and drags it along with us until it turns into resentment. It’s what happens when we fail to deal appropriately with anger and keep bringing our past emotion into our present day living. Anger is a helpful emotion. It teaches us and guides us.

For example, I was angry about an event last week and I noticed it. I got curious. Why did this “thing” elicit such a strong reaction in me? I learned stuff about myself and it was helpful. Turns out the event was not really significant. But the anger that it triggered showed me a whole different area of my life that needed some attention.

Our emotions are supposed to do that for us. Teach us stuff about ourselves. Raise our awareness. Give us cues that help us address issues before they become chronic problems.

Resentment is not helpful. It coats us in a shell with a hardened veneer. It obfuscates reality.

When I feel resentment, I am unlikely to notice my part in the harming process. How about you? Do you have a veneer of resentment clouding your perception?